Here we are in another cycle

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Well here goes another cycle with my DIL. Son has slowly tried to get in contact with his father, myself and his sister and DIL has kicked it up to full blast assault. She is on facebook at every opportunity posting pictures of our grandchildren. When we respond with a positive she ignores it and responds to everyone else. She is pumping the grandkids with lies of reject, saying we bad mouth their family, just about any disgusting thing possible she is doing it. It is so bad that family members that haven't seen it before are starting to witness her bizarre behavior. She has gotten them in such financial difficulties that they now live with her mother (UDBPD). Since their moving in the verbal and written assaults have ramped up. My son is an adult non-medicated ADHD individual who seems to have a true flaw in his character that allows him to overlook, ignore, condone what ever term one would use to sum it up with "disappoint his father and I." One needs to understand he bad mouthed her for the first 8 years of their marriage but didn't leave her. He enables her and overlooks her down right mean character. I have read everything I can get my hands on to understand how someone like this is made. I have tried sympathy, validation, empathy and overlooking direct verbal assaults to find a ground to exist on with her. But I have reached a point that I am sick and tired of her becoming an issue that consumes our lives and takes any happiness we have from us. For now our three grandchildren are lost to us, but I hope someday they understand that we loved them and wanted them in our lives. We just couldn't get through the nasty barrier (their mother) and our son. Sorry for all the negativity but maybe it is a grieving process on losing my son and grandchildren. I know anger is one of the stages. Thanks for listening.

[cpatlew]

Well here goes another cycle with my DIL. Son has slowly tried to get in contact with his father, myself and his sister and DIL has kicked it up to full blast assault. She is on facebook at every opportunity posting pictures of our grandchildren. When we respond with a positive she ignores it and responds to everyone else. She is pumping the grandkids with lies of reject, saying we bad mouth their family, just about any disgusting thing possible she is doing it. It is so bad that family members that haven't seen it before are starting to witness her bizarre behavior. She has gotten them in such financial difficulties that they now live with her mother (UDBPD). Since their moving in the verbal and written assaults have ramped up. My son is an adult non-medicated ADHD individual who seems to have a true flaw in his character that allows him to overlook, ignore, condone what ever term one would use to sum it up with "disappoint his father and I." One needs to understand he bad mouthed her for the first 8 years of their marriage but didn't leave her. He enables her and overlooks her down right mean character. I have read everything I can get my hands on to understand how someone like this is made. I have tried sympathy, validation, empathy and overlooking direct verbal assaults to find a ground to exist on with her. But I have reached a point that I am sick and tired of her becoming an issue that consumes our lives and takes any happiness we have from us. For now our three grandchildren are lost to us, but I hope someday they understand that we loved them and wanted them in our lives. We just couldn't get through the nasty barrier (their mother) and our son. Sorry for all the negativity but maybe it is a grieving process on losing my son and grandchildren. I know anger is one of the stages. Thanks for listening.

[GeekyGirl]

I'm sorry, cpatlew.   That sounds very painful.

One needs to understand he bad mouthed her for the first 8 years of their marriage but didn't leave her. He enables her and overlooks her down right mean character.

For whatever reason, though, your son has chosen her as his partner. I can only imagine how tough that is for you, and how difficult it is to understand (I wonder why my father chose my BPD mother, but that's another conversation).

Have you heard of Radical Acceptance? (Radical Acceptance for family members). That might be helpful for you to read.

It's certainly part of the grieving process to be angry. If you want your son and grandchildren in your life, are you ok with keeping your door open to them, even if it means that you have to include your DIL?