Just joined

[Endersmum]

Hi. I have decided to take the plunge and join this site for some much-needed support and advice. Our OS was diagnosed with BPD last autumn while h e was away in his first term at university. We discovered about three weeks before he left that he was self-harming. Up till then we had put his mood down to the usual teenage stress of exams, but looking back we maybe should have realised there was more to it. But he has always been quiet, sensitive and considerate, and hadn't acted out in any obvious way.

We gave him the option of deferring his university place but he was determined to go. He talked to a very sympathetic local doctor, and has found a good doctor where he is studying. But he is over 300 miles away for months at a time.

During that first term he had a consultation with a psychiatrist who diagnosed BPD, and came home for Christmas to tell us. Since then we have been fortunate to have found a clinical psychologist who works with him via skype learning DBT skills and schematic therapy.

He is also on medication to help with the fatigue.

We try to speak once a week on Skype, but the conversations are more and more difficult at the moment. He was quite settled while at home this summer, but is more and more unhappy with the course he's on, and resists asking for help from his tutors. He was always passionate about the area he has chosen to pursue, but is now bored and disillusioned with it.

I often end up letting his dad talk to him because I find it so hard to see how sad and monosyllabic he has become. Last night I realised he wasn't even listening to me but checking out other stuff online at the same time.

I have had my own struggles with anxiety issues and had some psychotherapy earlier in the year. My dad took his own life when I was 18 so I find that hugely difficult. Our YS (16) is largely unaware of his brother's situation, but knows he isn't happy. My friends who I would normally turn to all have children the same age who are friends of my son, so I can't talk to them. My mum is dead and would have been a huge support, but my in -laws know nothing.

So that is our situation. Our beautiful, kind and sensitive son is deeply unhappy and I need some help in supporting him when we are separated for months at a time.

He has never been in trouble with the police, is a perfectionist who finds it hard to let go, and has a small number of good friends both at home and at university.

Thank you for letting me share this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Endersmum



I'm so sorry to hear that you're having a difficult time with your son. BPD is not easy to deal with neither for the person who has it nor the family. Your son sounds wonderful and also troubled right now. I'm glad you've come here for support, though. There are many other members with sons and daughters with BPD and they're a great gang, supportive and understanding. We also have many articles and workshops available to help you in your relationship with your son.

What does your husband say about all this?

What's his relationship like with his son?

What does your son think about his therapy?

Again, welcome here. I hope you keep posting!

[peaceplease]

Endersmum,

  I am glad that you found our site, sad at circumstances that brought you here.  I am sorry that your dad committed suicide when you were 18.  I am sorry that you can not confide in your friends, as their children are friends with your son.  It is really hard when you have nobody to confide in.

A parent's greatest wish is for their child, whatever their age, to be healthy and happy. When a child suffers from BPD, often not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness severely affects everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety.


I would like to invite you to join us on the parents board.

Suggested Reading for members who are supporting a son or daughter with BPD

We have many supportive members on the parent board.  I have a daughter, age 29, that I highly suspect has BPD.  So, I can understand how difficult it is having a child with BPD.  No matter what the age, theyw ill always be our children.

I hope to see you on the parents board.

peaceplease

[Endersmum]

Thank you both for your replies. Peace please, I will certainly explore the parents board. Scarlet Phoenix, my son has a really good relationship with his dad, who is more able than I am to keep a clear head and look for a helpful way forward. He tracked down the therapist initially. We have both read Valerie Porr's book which is very helpful, although our son is a very introverted person so he tends to turn in on himself rather than get angry with the world.

We are working hard to get to grips with the whole validation concept. It's hard when conversations are so short during term time, and easy to say the wrong thing.

I can see that there are aspects of my own personality that must have had a bearing on him growing up, but we have always been a very loving family. I'm sure that is common for so many parents on here, and almost impossible to explain to anyone else.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi again, it's good to hear that your son has a solid relationship with his dad. And you already know about validation, that's great! Don't be discouraged because you're struggling with it, it'll get easier with time. I recommend that you go over to the Parenting a son or daughter suffering from BPD board and give examples of conversations where you struggled with this. They're great at helping.

Getting educated and understanding the disorder is important, and I see that you're already doing that. So for now I'll leave you with this book which is highly recommended:

[Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified - Robert O. Friedel, MD

[Thursday]

endersmum,

First, welcome to the parenting message board. Glad you found us, glad you are letting us get to know you and your situation.

It sounds like your son has a very loving and caring and intuitive Mom. I am also happy to hear that your son is capable of finding something he is passionate about! I think those are two absolutely positive pieces of your puzzle.

It is, in general, very hard for Moms to transition from having their child at home and getting used to having them far away. On top of this challenge you are worried about his recently revealed diagnosis. I wish there was a way to help you relax or at least feel more at ease. The fact that he is doing Skype DBT is amazing to me... .sounds like he has found great care for his mental health issues... .maybe feel more at ease by letting this sink in a bit. He IS getting care even if you are not right there with him.

Do you think writing letters to your son might help open a new channel for communication? Emails? You could include something like a little video that he might like or mail him something he would appreciate from home and include a letter. Open some sort of door for him.

The pwBPD in my life is my dBPDSD22. Over our years together I found that talking to her while driving was an effective way to talk... .she was intimidated by eye contact and since I was usually driving her somewhere she knew our time wasn't going to be "forever" and there was an escape on the other end.

But in our hardest times together I was a letter writer. I would leave them in her bedroom on her bed. I could bring it up later in the car... .

Maybe you can start a dialog in a similar manner, one you can build on, something that keeps you from having to sit and hear the monotone answers or from having to witness his not  giving you his full attention (and no disrespect meant but your son is still a teen and teens are so well known for texting or whatever during the most solemn conversation!)... .something to serve as a buffer to help both of you get there.

I'm also glad to hear that your son has such a good relationship with your DH. Can you ask DH to be an advocate for you with your son?

I say again, your son is lucky, so lucky to have such a caring and loving Mom in his life. Be gentle with yourself... .

Thursday

[Endersmum]

Hi Thursday. Thank you so much for your reply. You are right that there are some big positives. I'm trying to get used to judging what is just normal behaviour (his brother would do just the same things sometimes like texting when we talk but it doesn't worry me because he's here and doesn't have BPD), and what is detachment.

Certainly our most relaxed communication seems to be via short texts, so that is probably the way to go for now. He has worked so hard to make the DBT a success and has a therapist who he says 'gets' him but doesn't take any of his b******t. Since he went back to uni at the end of Sept he's been having fortnightly sessions by Skype and I think he has found that harder than weekly. But I am very much aware that mental health care for young people is in a very poor state here, and we are incredibly lucky to have been able to get something in place for him. And that he got an early diagnosis soon after his problems became obvious.

I am very grateful to have found this group. It's been a whirlwind year, and I am finally starting to realise that this is not going to go away anytime soon, if ever. I suppose I am starting the process of accepting that the future is not the one we had all imagined.

Thank you for sharing some of your own situation. Letters sound like a good way to go. And I know he and his dad talk quite a lot when they do the 300 mile drive at the beginning and end of term. It is definitely easier to talk while driving or walking.

Almost every day I seem to meet someone with a child who has gone away to study, and they are full of stories of excited phone calls home and how wonderful it all is. I feel I have to pretend all the time, because my son has chosen not to tell anyone but his closest friend here.

It is a huge relief to know that other people understand, although we would all wish that it wasn't so. At the end of the day all we want is for them to be happy.