Does intimacy trigger crisis?

[izzitme]

I have been keeping a journal of my interactions with uBPDbf for the past several weeks in order to identify patterns of behavior in us both in order for me to take responsibility fairly for what I own and clearly see what is truly him.  All of his complaints against me I have changed and have been successful in my effort.  His recent complaint and in the top 3 most painful things anyone has ever said to me is that I am a miserable human being who is never happy with him and that I am depressing to be around.  Just typing this is giving me a sick feeling in my stomach  :'(  I even asked my ex husband whom I was married to for 16 years if he experienced me this way and he said no and not to believe it. 

Anyway, my self esteem plummeted and this is when I decided to try this experiment of journaling.  I notice that whenever I am getting close and feeling connected there is some crisis that cuts me off and turns the focus on him solely.  I have never met anyone that has the amount of bad stuff happen to them as does my bf and I'm wondering if he is orchestrating it himself.  He lives in a constant state of chaos and I am curious how much of it is truly reality.  Is this a trait of BPD?  Does intimacy trigger such fear that it causes them to create drama to avoid it?  I know everyone is different but is this a basic trait?

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[hergestridge]

Yes, it seems intimacy triggers crises. My BPDwife for 20 yrs and I are happier the less we interact. "Quality time" is a trigger. At heart she knows this herself, but there's a lot of guilt and shame on her part, especially since we became parents. To me it seems an untreated borderline person can't handle trust and intimacy. There's no reciprocity. They see it as a negotiation, not a meeting of minds. They give their best shot and see how far they can push you. That's natural for them. And if you're like me (which is propably why you're here) the you're a doormat in no time.

But can we have fun? Sure. Sex, excercise- and wildlife related activities (makes her exhausted and at peace) plus lots of fun conversation. As long as it doesn't get too intimate, too demanding, too real.

[izzitme]

Thank you for the reply Hergestridge.  I understand how activity can replace true heart to heart intimacy.  That is why I think that my bf is always in a crisis that he needs my help with.  He is still keeping me around in an intimate albeit self centered one sided way by being the damsel in distress.  He is getting some need met without having to really meet any of my needs.  He lists all my faults and says that these are the reasons why he can't get close to me but lately I have been doing/not doing everything on his list.  I wrote him a note saying some personal stuff and his response was complaining about a crisis at his house.  Our whole 3 year relationship has been based on getting him through a crisis and now he is manufacturing one by completely renovating his house.  I feel that it is always going to be something. 

[hergestridge]

The complaning is very typical, but I never get used to it. In an intimate relationship it's just inapropriate to "complain" on your partner, but that what many borderline people do. The first time I saw it in my wife was when she went to a psychotherapist for the first time for her anxiety problems (8 years ago) and just totally painted me black. The therapist suggested divorce (of course), but my wife didn't want that. She explained to the therapist flat out that she was just trying to score some sympathy and now wanted to talk about her real problems. How did I get to know about all this? My wife told me all about it. I was crushed. It was like

"BTW, I used to to really hate you, but it's ok now that I got it off my chest. That stupid bhit thought it was for real and almost called social services, haha... "

(By then my wife had totally idealized me for ten years, alienated all my friends and lived with me in isolation. The first opportunity she gets to badmouth/backstab me - it all just pours out. She doesn't even seem to understand that it should be wrong or remarkable in any way! I started to understand that she had a problem)

I have tried to explain to her again and again that "complaints" had no place in a friendship or a romantic relationship. A complaint is something that follows a bad business transaction. And even then it's a last exit that leaves everyone unsatisfied.

Actually, we have an counseling session tomorrow. We're going to talk about stuff we feel we can't talk with eachother about. I swear this is what it's going to be like:

- I will talk about her unwillingness to adress various issues in our relationship, and the consequences of her moodswings on my life.

- She will bring up stuff like I should mow the lawn more often, that she's fed up with eating in front of the TV, that I should give her more compliments etc.

Then she will seek support from the therapist - against me!

I feel that her unwillingness to engage on an emotionsl level or intellectualise in any away about our relationship gets in the way of progress. It allways ends up being about some trivial stuff like the lawnmowing for her. She finds her slight injustice there and so she can keep the fight going. Intimacy is a place far down the line and she's never been there.

[izzitme]

Though I am glad that you already know what to expect going in to the therapist, I am sorry that you have to experience it that way.  You are equipped with all of the communication tools from this website and I would try your best to implement them all during your session.  This way the therapist sees that you are healthy and emotionally intelligent and your wife won't be able to rile you up and then point to your reactions as the reason why she can't get close.  I myself am gaining so much self-esteem and growing emotionally from the lessons here and having positive interactions with my bf.  I feel good about myself when I'm not reactive and I'm expressing myself with honesty.  Turn it into a game that only you are playing.  That sounds crass but whatever it takes to stay protected.  Post here tomorrow and let us know how it goes.