Some things never change, yet he questions why it upsets me

[exhausted85]

2 days ago I moved out, since July my (UDBPD) partner has been one minute saying he loves me, the next he didn't, he think he's in love with some one else, then he isn't, he has been feeling this for almost 2 years but kept it hidden. For the past year though he has put me through, in his own words, emotional abuse, where he would ridicule me and put me down to make himself feel better, and his own life feel better ( he admitted this in July) Over the past year. Mid September I just couldn't take it any more, walking on egg shells all the time, was I living up to his standards, was he in love with me today or was he in love with someone else. After 7 years together to find out he has been going through this cycle for 2 years was crushing, and in September I called it a day. I didn't know I had the strength, but I guess I was pushed to my limit.

2 days after I moved out he writes this on a forum about another woman, he knows we both go on but assumed I wouldn't see;

I need to get my head sorted around this girl and just want to write this down somewhere.

So I think I'm 'in love' with you but I'm not sure. It's very strange and completely new to me. I guess it's more like an infatuation and I really wish I didn't feel this way. Part of me regrets ever meeting you. I feel we have a deep connection but at the same time we are quite superficial. Even though you have been completely honest with me from the start about not finding me attractive I still feel you are kind of leading me on. I think you like the attention and the ego boost that it brings. I think I have become a kind of surrogate boyfriend that gives you attention and affection while I'm pretty sure you are having sex with other people.

You are constantly telling me how amazing I am and how much you love me, and if we don't see each other for a couple of days, you make a big fuss over how much you have missed me. We can and do talk for hours and it is easy and effortless and I seem to be the one you come to when you are upset or you need someone to lift you up.

You are always touching me, giving me big long hugs, hand holding, hair stroking which you don't do with other people. Other people around us have noticed and assumed we are a couple.

I am completely at your mercy, you have the capability to make me ecstatically happy or utterly miserable.

I don't actually know why I am so obsessed with you, you are attractive but not anything amazing, you can be immature. overly emotional and over dramatic. But you are also incredibly intelligent and very very funny and I adore spending time with you.

Worst of all I think you know what you do to me and enjoy the power it gives you, and you just use me to make you happy.

TL:DR I hiting love you and I hiting hate you and I just wish I could turn these feelings off. hit.

When I confronted him about it, he turned it around on me questioning why I was upset, saying he couldn't help his feelings and why was I heartbroken by this. I explained that unlike him, I loved him until the day we separated and still obviously do as it's been only just over a month and I only moved out 2 days ago. He tried to talk his way out of it, playing the sympathy card that it was just a crush and that it meant nothing and he was just upset of our breakup. He still continued to try make me out as the bad guy in al of this. I lost it I have to say, a whole year of grief and anger and all the things i wanted to say to stand up for myself for so long poured out of me. He apologized, said he is a decent guy and acts decently and that yes I do have a right to be upset.

I just feel numb now, not 2 months later, 2 days after I move out, he has such strong emotions for someone. Shows her more emotion however... .stalker like, than he ever showed me. I've always found peace and comfort here so had to make a post. If only to get my head clear.

sorry for the wall of text but so much has been kept quiet for the sake of peace between us it feel good to be able to speak it.

[fiddlestix]

Exhausted, I am glad you felt comfortable posting here.  We can all relate to the boomerang love you have experienced.  It is so painful to be jerked around by someone you thought you could trust after 7 years.  He sounds very mixed up and confused.  It is probably good that you have gotten out.  Be aware that he may try to lure you back in with sweet talk and promises.  Be careful    Keep posting here so we can support you.

Fiddlestix

[exhausted85]

Yea, I messaged him for the last time last night explaining what he;d done, how messed up it is and that it's not healthy and urged him to seek professional help. I told him that it's not healthy for me to keep someone who has hurt me like this in my life and until he was a stable person again that I'd be breaking off all contact. Removed him from everything.

I just dont understand how they move on so fast. We were together for 7 years, and he becomes this infatuated with someone within the space of weeks. It just seems crazy to me. But I;m doing my best to move on, but the wounds are deep and they hurt and I;m so grateful to this place that there is other people out there who understand.

[Lady31]

Exhausted,

He is infatuated with this other woman because he can't have her.  That is it.  He could have you.  He is not capable of true love toward you or any other person.  He is drawn to whomever can recreate the trauma bond from when he was a child. 

I read some material from a therapist who appears to specialize in this and her writings actually have hit home more than any other material.  I don't think I can post her stuff here as it appears the board has had an issue in the past bringing her stuff here - but a key point is this:

The MORE you love them - the LESS they love you.

Of course your relationship stopped feeling like love to him - you were not giving him the same trauma bond chaos that he equates with love.  She is ONLY holding his attention because he can't have her.  He really doesn't love her either.

This is not about you.  And he is not picking her over you because of you or her!  Only because he can't have her.

[exhausted85]

That actually makes a whole lot of sense. When things were bad we were almost happy. When I was paying my fair share of rent, had a job I loved, was happy in everything else. That's when this really turned and the emotional abuse and control started.

Needed to hear I wasn't being replaced so soon, but I still just can't get over how quick though. Roughly about 3 weeks after we split but were still living together, but I've seen many posts now with the same thing. Hard to get your head round