BPD and the Holidays

[babyspook]

My stbxBPD has managed to ruin every major holiday since we first met.  We were together for more than two years and in that time she's shown her true violent nature to my family on both Thanksgivings in which she got stupid mad and walked out.  I've never had a Christmas with her; a few weeks before she'll start a fight with me and move out and re-engage with me a few days before New Years Eve.  She got drunk, emotionally snapped, and kidnapped my 6yr old daughter last year on the 4th of July.  She got mad and left me again this year a week before the 4th of July.  The only holiday left unscathed is New Years Eve only because that's the day we met.  I'm sure she'll want to re-engage with me again in the next few weeks for that one.

Can anyone relate to this?  Anyone else experienced ruined holidays at the hands of a pwBPD?

[Spartan999]

Yes.   I absolutely experienced holidays and birthdays to be some trigger,  as if their sensitivity heightens.    I've never been able to put a finger on it,  but I believe for most,  sabotaging a special occasion is one of their hallmarks.    I dated a girl for 13+ months,   and she ruined her birthday,  I did not share it with her,  ruined my birthday,  ruined Christmas,   threatened new years right up until the last minute... .Had no problem backing out on travel plans, despite any pre-expense and effort I had made.    .   And typical for the non,  I was desperately trying to repair damage I had not done.   A relationship of futility.    This ended right New Years this year... .  I got contact around memorial,  and 1 day before her birthday in June... .no follow up ever again, or in between those dates.   So my birthday passed in August no contact,  Thanksgiving no contact,  and I'm sure Christmas no contact... .  I believe shes rebounded enough times by now, that I am pretty much in the statistical history books.

    To digress,  I will make one more note.   When she contacted me before her birthday this year (apart 5 months by then, sight unseen),  and I reacted positively,  she still took no more than a few moments to keep me and my comments superficial and was pointing out WHY we were no good... .(I should have been making those pragmatic statements in reality,  an enormous paradox !)     and said her friends 'did not even know she was talking to me'.   5 months out,  she is indicating in her words how a BPD paints you black and associates shame should they 'go back' to someone they dumped.   EVEN if she wanted to,  there condition overpowers it.   Call it pride if you want to call it pride,  but its something more clinical with a BPD.         I experienced a  typical 100% textbook life cycle  ,  serious infatuation,  unpredictable rages,  sabotaging behaviors,  all blame on me,  every reunion had to start by my efforts,  and eventually the death roll,  and it was not pretty... . 

And textbook non-BPD,  I think about her EVERY single day.   Yearning for yet another crumb of validation.   But I recognize it,  I understand it... .the 2 miscellaneous contacts that appeared to start out as validation,  set me back painfully with her ambivalence.    I still suffer the symptoms of a co-dependant, but through knowledge comes the ability to not pursue the pain,  no matter how great the involuntary urge... .     But, yes,  holidays and birthdays,  were definetly SABOTAGED mercilessly.   

[GreenMango]

Yep.

Any holiday was a disaster - bdays, major holidays etc.  The moodiness, impulsivity, hostility and insecurities were on high.  Something always went down before during or after.  I started going to my family alone during Xmas season.

You can end up with a lot of new rules when in these relationships to manage the cyclical crisis points.

But I look at it differently now.  I like holidays and enjoy the time whereas the other person didn't have holidays and when his family got together the pattern was chaos and drama - family insults and mean spiritedness.  Very different backgrounds in this respect created lots of drama between us.  Getting a good handle on the clinical part of this disorder can give some insight on the typical manifestations of the behavior.

It helps to depersonalize yet I'd be upset about the kidnapping thing.  Since you have kids boundaries (theres a workshop on them) are going to be essential.

[LetMEgoPLS]

Can anyone relate to this?  Anyone else experienced ruined holidays at the hands of a pwBPD?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Every single holiday w my uBPD STBX is MISERABLE! There's also some sort of blow out. If not, he spends the day lazing around in bed while I entertain & try to be festive with out 3 children. It's so hurtful to feel so alone on occasions that should be festive & fun for all of us.

He honestly made an effort on Thanksgiving as he's in a "trying to win me back" period and I was shocked that he took on a big part of the cooking, but then as we sat down to eat, we loaded our plates & he suddenly needed to go out for a smoke. Right now? Ugh. Whatever.

But yes, holidays here are awful.

[Waifed]

Holidays were a joke.  She was afraid to be around people she didn't know so we would get together after we met with our families.  Of course she cheated on me on Good Friday this year.  Isn't that special.   

[Pretty Woman]

I feel like it was right around any major holiday or event.  She dumped me on New Years Day, or this last (and final) time the day before Halloween... .a week before my birthday.

What I noticed is she would be pretty agitgated during those times. Once she kept me on the phone for three hours. I was late to a friend's party she was supposed to go with me to. She dumped me that night.

I was a complete wreck at the party.

I started not planning too much in advance. Looking forward to my next relationship where I know they will not bail right before a wedding or something.

[santa]

Any big event spells disaster with these people. Mine has a fit about her birthday because she and her crazy mother both share the same birthday. Every holiday is a mine field with them.

[Eric1]

Birthdays, holidays, Christmas, you name it, she hates it.

She despises Christmas because she hates her dad. She ruins birthdays. She ruins holidays.

The first Christmas I ever spent with her was traumatic. I spent the day at my parents, didn't drink so I could drive over to her parents. When I got there everything was great. We were all drinking and having fun. Her mum went to bed, which left me, my ex and her brother. We carried on drinking Tilly ex fell asleep. Being a normal boyfriend, I tried carrying her to bed. Worst mistake ever. She woke up, raged at me, ran me through the gauntlet, then made me sleep on her bedroom floor. What a perfect way to spend Christmas night. She woke up in the morning apologising. But, that pretty much set the bench mark for our relationship.

It takes time, but once we found people who can return our love without all the drama, we wi be happy again. These people aren't worth our time.