Hi jadedcat,
you certainly did not let your wife down. It is very common that people arriving here are exhausted as they have been supporting their loved ones for a long time and were faced with lots and often increasing demands .
As HopefulDad said a big part is regenerating yourself. Equally important and maybe even the first step is stopping to bleed energy. Right now you employ some all too common strategies that cost you a lot in self esteem, energy and other resources. They are common as they give you a short term reprieve or they may work sometimes and if one is exhausted and desperate one tends to cling to what worked once.
She fantasizes about us moving to another country and starting a business together but if I voice anything other than instant excitement about her idea, then I have let her down.
Faking enthusiasm is a natural coping strategy. Showing your true emotions would be invalidating and triggering. But lying about your own emotions is invalidating yourself, hurting yourself and is eroding your self esteem as you are not acting in accordance to your believes.
There is an alternative that is healthy for both sides! Read up on validation, you can find links in the
LESSONS ON THE STAYING BOARD. The key is NOT TO FOCUS ON YOUSELF but on HER when responding. The rationale is that she wants to be emotionally understood - the factual understanding is secondary. Instead of answering
- yeah, your plan moving to the moon sounds great.
answer
- you are very excited about this move to the moon.
The first is lie going against your best judgment. The second is true. And often she will sense something is off in the first one and just continues to push her point "We must do this next month.". In the second case she may feel understood, regulate a bit and start then wondering "How much will be the one way UHaul for that distance?" i.e. thinking her plan a step further and seeing some minor problems, talking a bit more rational.
I've learned at these times not to engage for my own emotional protection and I can usually see these episodes coming from a ways off, but i am powerless to stop them.
You can't stop them, only she can. So don't blame yourself. It may however be prudent not to stick around when she is starting to abuse yourself since... .
She will then say pretty hurtful things about me, before eventually cycling to criticism of herself and concluding that she is unworthy of being liked, that I should run away.
She got a problem with herself. And you being around delays her recognizing it and just leads to unnecessary suffering on both sides. Read up on boundaries (for links see the LESSONs pointer above).
How are your children dealing with the situation?
