A realization...

[Aw511]

In therapy yesterday I came to a realization... .

I am compassionate, sometimes too compassionate. I have hurt people I really cared about in my life due to things that were "out of my control" at the time (anger, alcoholism). Because of this, I have been blessed with the ability to forgive people, maybe a little too easily, as I know my actions during those years were only a result of my intense internal pain. I live every day to make up for the hurts I caused by making sure I no longer hurt people the way that I used to.

Because of all that, following this horrible experience with my exBPD, whom I tried so hard to love, I kept telling myself he is sick and yes he hurt me, but its because he is hurting inside. What I realize now, is that while that may be true, it does not give him an excuse to do what he does to people. I realize now that telling myself this was just a defense mechanism to keep myself from accepting the truth. He may be suffering from something he can not control, but he is CHOOSING not to get help, thus continuing the horrible cycle and destroying more peoples lives. He chooses not to seek therapy, and chooses not to take medication. He chooses to self-medicate with alcohol and prescription drugs. He chose to lie to my face. He chose to cheat.

He may be sick, but what he did and continues to do is evil. I will no longer make excuses for him. There will always be a part of me that hurts for that lost little boy inside him, but not the man he became.

[Surnia]

Hi AW511

Great insight! 

There will always be a part of me that hurts for that lost little boy inside him, but not the man he became.

And I can relate with it very much.

Reminds me a saying from my time on another board here: Keep your side of the street clean. Not both sides. 

Thank you for sharing it, AW511

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes.  I loved the beautiful girl inside mine, but hated all the crap on top of that, and hold her completely responsible for her actions.  Although I also know she doesn't have much idea why she does what she does.  Sad.

But the saddest part is I could see that beautiful girl, but I couldn't get to her.  She got my best, it was more than good enough, and that's supposed to be enough.  Nope.  Not only that, I got abused for trying.  Well not really, I got abused by someone with a disorder, who gave me a peek into what it's like in her world full time.  Sad.  But she's still responsible.