Clarifications to my questions please, that can be printed on a mallet

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

That she is a high-functioning BPD with NPD traits - *a thought* I wonder if she was using the PTSD as an excuse for her behaviour, and either unwilling or unable to accept the fact that her disorder was more, much more than that?

It was her insistence that we remain friends, not mine, so you would think that she would do something friendly like sending me an email, especially as she knows how big a deal conquering my fear of flying was for me recently. But nothing is forthcoming. She knows how lonely I am, but nothing by way of encouragement. I feel like she's getting back at me for making her feel abandoned when I would just walk away from her behaviour.

Mind you, there's been nothing saying that she no longer wants contact with me and to stop just turning up at her house unannounced (which I did all the time), even when she was with the former Mr X.

My jealous head tells me that because the new Mr X lives 200 miles away, then she will have the best of both worlds. Not too close for the engulfment, and she doesn't feel abandoned because she knows her true love will come running when she asks - either that or she knows that despite the distance, there is someone who loves her, and whilst they are apart because of the distance, her heart continues to beat fast knowing that every so often they will be together and all will be well.

But, if that is the case, how does the engulfment/abandonment fears manifest if or when he decides to divorce his wife and set up home with my ex? We'd never lived together, so I wouldn't have a clue if being under the same roof would make things better or worse.



She also said I wasn't strong enough as a person, and had issues of my own to be able to have a relationship with her. And of course, the new Mr X is strong, as well as being kind, considerate, would never abandon her and just about everything else that she is looking for and couldn't find in me

And a final thought - would listening to music that we enjoyed together bring a twinge and make her think kindly of me?

Don't worry you kind lot - I'll get there eventually! 

[houseofswans]

That she is a high-functioning BPD with NPD traits - *a thought* I wonder if she was using the PTSD as an excuse for her behaviour, and either unwilling or unable to accept the fact that her disorder was more, much more than that?

It was her insistence that we remain friends, not mine, so you would think that she would do something friendly like sending me an email, especially as she knows how big a deal conquering my fear of flying was for me recently. But nothing is forthcoming. She knows how lonely I am, but nothing by way of encouragement. I feel like she's getting back at me for making her feel abandoned when I would just walk away from her behaviour.

Mind you, there's been nothing saying that she no longer wants contact with me and to stop just turning up at her house unannounced (which I did all the time), even when she was with the former Mr X.

My jealous head tells me that because the new Mr X lives 200 miles away, then she will have the best of both worlds. Not too close for the engulfment, and she doesn't feel abandoned because she knows her true love will come running when she asks - either that or she knows that despite the distance, there is someone who loves her, and whilst they are apart because of the distance, her heart continues to beat fast knowing that every so often they will be together and all will be well.

But, if that is the case, how does the engulfment/abandonment fears manifest if or when he decides to divorce his wife and set up home with my ex? We'd never lived together, so I wouldn't have a clue if being under the same roof would make things better or worse.



She also said I wasn't strong enough as a person, and had issues of my own to be able to have a relationship with her. And of course, the new Mr X is strong, as well as being kind, considerate, would never abandon her and just about everything else that she is looking for and couldn't find in me

And a final thought - would listening to music that we enjoyed together bring a twinge and make her think kindly of me?

Don't worry you kind lot - I'll get there eventually! 

[Lady31]

Hey House.  Here's my 2.

First, she is unwilling nor does she care to look at what's wrong with her.  She's perfectly fine getting the pay off just the way it is - why would she try to change?

And currently you are still giving her part of the pay off.

2nd - I would be sure the new Mr. X's wife is fully aware of what is going on, if they are in fact in a relationship.  Others may disagree with me here - that's cool, we all have our opinions.  This is not to split them up so you can "have her back" - you need to run like all get out away from this person.  It's because his wife has a right to know.  I would have wanted to know.  As my Pastor says - we don't play those reindeer games.  

Lastly - Yeah, he's SUCH A GREAT CATCH - you couldn't dream of comparing to that stud.  (Sarcasm) He's a lying, cheating game player while he has a wife (and kids?) at home. Did I mention selfish and low?  Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade brother.  As far as her comment regarding you being strong enough as a person - I'm betting she really does feel that way about you.  And the reason she does is because she has been allowed to get by with all kinds of crappy behavior and she still has you around as a "friend" to meet her needs.  She sees it, and that is how she sees you.  Could this part of the analysis be true?  You have to ask yourself that question.  We have all been there - but what are you going to do about it?  Or are you okay with it?

You ask how it would play out with them - the same round and round the merry-go-round.  That dog doesn't have any new tricks - throw her a frickin' bone and exit left.

You are too good for this.  Let it ring loud and clear.  Bet money she will be painting you whiter than white and trying clamp down for dear life to your "friendship" when you start demanding respect, walk away and stop playing her little game.  Now at that point, you still don't go back - you let her choke on her bone.

[seeking balance]

She also said I wasn't strong enough as a person, and had issues of my own to be able to have a relationship with her.

How did you feel when she said this to you Swan?

[houseofswans]

She also said I wasn't strong enough as a person, and had issues of my own to be able to have a relationship with her.

How did you feel when she said this to you Swan?

Hi SB,

I told her, admittedly by email, that I WAS strong, but because of the hurt I'd experienced in past relationships, I'd put up armour between us. Armour that should never have been there, not with her, and that what had caused me to keep walking away was because of misunderstandings, as opposed to anything major... .

[houseofswans]

Hey House.  Here's my 2.

First, she is unwilling nor does she care to look at what's wrong with her.  She's perfectly fine getting the pay off just the way it is - why would she try to change?

And currently you are still giving her part of the pay off.

2nd - I would be sure the new Mr. X's wife is fully aware of what is going on, if they are in fact in a relationship.  Others may disagree with me here - that's cool, we all have our opinions.  This is not to split them up so you can "have her back" - you need to run like all get out away from this person.  It's because his wife has a right to know.  I would have wanted to know.  As my Pastor says - we don't play those reindeer games.  

Lastly - Yeah, he's SUCH A GREAT CATCH - you couldn't dream of comparing to that stud.  (Sarcasm) He's a lying, cheating game player while he has a wife (and kids?) at home. Did I mention selfish and low?  Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade brother.  As far as her comment regarding you being strong enough as a person - I'm betting she really does feel that way about you.  And the reason she does is because she has been allowed to get by with all kinds of crappy behavior and she still has you around as a "friend" to meet her needs.  She sees it, and that is how she sees you.  Could this part of the analysis be true?  You have to ask yourself that question.  We have all been there - but what are you going to do about it?  Or are you okay with it?

You ask how it would play out with them - the same round and round the merry-go-round.  That dog doesn't have any new tricks - throw her a frickin' bone and exit left.

You are too good for this.  Let it ring loud and clear.  Bet money she will be painting you whiter than white and trying clamp down for dear life to your "friendship" when you start demanding respect, walk away and stop playing her little game.  Now at that point, you still don't go back - you let her choke on her bone.

Thanks for that Lady, I think I understand what you are saying... .

[houseofswans]

PLEASE, can someone give me an answer to all the bold questions.

It IS important for me to understand these and be able to move on... .

[seeking balance]

She also said I wasn't strong enough as a person, and had issues of my own to be able to have a relationship with her.

How did you feel when she said this to you Swan?

Hi SB,

I told her, admittedly by email, that I WAS strong, but because of the hurt I'd experienced in past relationships, I'd put up armour between us. Armour that should never have been there, not with her, and that what had caused me to keep walking away was because of misunderstandings, as opposed to anything major... .

Ok - but how did you feel when she said that?

Regarding the stuff in bold you wrote - it is pretty much all about her, not really you.  You have 150+ posts, so you probably are pretty well versed in the actual facts about BPD itself, right?  As such, we can guess the triggers of our ex's, but at some point, we kinda have to accept we are here because we believe a person we were involved with is disordered... .and sort of radically accept it was dysfunctional and it is over... .then we must focus on ourselves.

What can we do to help you focus on you - you are really the one we care about here - you are the one we are here to support - how do you feel?  What do you need?

[Lady31]

I wonder if she was using the PTSD as an excuse for her behaviour, and either unwilling or unable to accept the fact that her disorder was more, much more than that?

Possibly.  If she has never been in therapy and learned what behaviors she has that would NOT be attributed to PTSD, she may not know the difference.  Still, it doesn't matter.  If one sees that they have major issues and cause a lot of hurt, the right response is to figure out what can be done about it, rather than just deciding it's PTSD (or something else) and doing absolutely nothing about it.

I feel like she's getting back at me for making her feel abandoned when I would just walk away from her behaviour.

Mine used punishing behaviors and what you are saying is entirely possible.  Even one of my exh's friends told me when he would go over there and hang out and would ignore my calls while there, the friend got the feeling that he was trying to punish me and "get me back" for whatever his latest and greatest upset was!

there's been nothing saying that she no longer wants contact with me and to stop just turning up at her house unannounced

Don't get what this is about.  Like are you looking for some hopeful response since she hasn't cut you out totally yet? Bottom line on this is you still serve a purpose for her.  If at some point in the future the "friendship" she has with you no longer serves her or gets in the way enough of another relationship she forms, this will cease for sure.

Mr X lives 200 miles away, then she will have the best of both worlds. Not too close for the engulfment, and she doesn't feel abandoned because she knows her true love will come running when she asks - either that or she knows that despite the distance, there is someone who loves her, and whilst they are apart because of the distance, her heart continues to beat fast knowing that every so often they will be together and all will be well.

This could actually play both ways.  What keeps the pwBPD drawn to a person is the attempt to "get love" - that chase feeling/unattainable feeling is what they grew up equating as love and therefore that is what continues to draw them.  Once they HAVE the consistent love given to them the FEELING of love dies and they lose interest and need something else to mimic their core trauma.  So - the distance, and the fact that he is married - could potentially draw out the time before a final discard bc she can never truly have him fully in this scenario.  It will NOT stop the chaos making though, as these obstacles will trigger her abandonment and make her reach out even more desperately to "obtain" his love.  It could be when she starts this craziness that he cuts her off and there wouldn't be continued cycles.

how does the engulfment/abandonment fears manifest if or when he decides to divorce his wife and set up home with my ex? We'd never lived together, so I wouldn't have a clue if being under the same roof would make things better or worse.



If he divorces his wife and moves in with her - then the pressure for the cycles is more intense naturally bc of the closeness.  Also, once she "has him" she will then need to push away and the feelings of longing will die off, at least for a time unless it's recreated to have a new "reunion/chase/high" again.

And of course, the new Mr X is strong, as well as being kind, considerate, would never abandon her and just about everything else that she is looking for and couldn't find in me

I'm sure she said many of these wonderful things about you starting out too.  Also, her feelings are not REAL.  She CAN NOT/is not CAPABLE of continually feeling this way about him or seeing him this way.  This WILL change.

would listening to music that we enjoyed together bring a twinge and make her think kindly of me?

Nope, not based on the music alone.  Her feelings toward you (and anyone else) are based on whatever cycle she is in and what her NEEDS are.  If she is in the stage of seeing you as weak (like you mentioned) and has security you are there, that does not invoke her core trauma love equation - so she will feel no longing for you.  If she is in a stage of distance from you and perhaps not having that core trauma high not working currently with other guy, then her NEED to feel that again may cause her to feel an emotional spark and think of you during a song - but it will be because she NEEDS something that isn't being filled currently, and you are SET UP to fill it.  (Filling it is NOT giving her the love and security she so desperately needs - filling it is her being able to have what has always felt like love for her with you - her core trauma abandonment.  Which of course is unhealthy and unfulfilling for you.)

[houseofswans]

Thank you, Lady 

That has helped me a lot!

However, I'm not quite done yet - see separate topic... .