loving myself after loving a narcissist

[livednlearned]

Today, I realized how important it is to love myself. People keep saying "love yourself." But I didn't really get it. It was getting all tangled up in how self-loving N/BPDx was, and me not wanting to be like that.

Then I was driving today, thinking about how I feel ok loving myself. That it's ok. It's actually super important to a healthy relationship. I don't feel guilty about it, because it's a different thing than N/BPDx loving himself. Even though he was a narcissist who needed so much praise and adoration and narcissistic supply, he didn't really love himself. That's why he needed me. To feed his hungry ghost.

So for a while I was really doubtful about this whole loving yourself thing, because it was so repulsive seeing up close someone who was narcissistic, seemingly in love with himself. But that's the Big Deal -- he didn't love himself at all. And I didn't love myself. It wasn't love!

Someone here shared a quote here, "Amazing things happen when you dare to be great."

Today I was thinking, "Amazing things happen when you dare to love yourself."

I'm going to be ok! Loving myself isn't about being narcissistic, it's about being ok with me. Just plain ol' LnL, flaws and all. That's the only way I can really be in a healthy relationship. Love myself so new guy can be his own great self. And same with S12. And everyone else, including you 

Ta-dah!

[Surnia]

Hi LnL

What a great moment. Great insight. 

So for a while I was really doubtful about this whole loving yourself thing, because it was so repulsive seeing up close someone who was narcissistic, seemingly in love with himself. But that's the Big Deal -- he didn't love himself at all. And I didn't love myself. It wasn't love!

And yes, it is great to feel self love growing. 

[heartandwhole]

Ta-dah!

Right on, LnL, you've found the pot of gold !  Thanks for sharing it with all of us.   

[dharmagems]

I too also realized that people can hurt me if I allow it.  In fact, more and more I am learning to not take unwanted and uncomfortable behaviors personally.  I have practiced that soo much this year.  I've run into some N/BPD people this year, starting a new life, and there were some that I could have gotten into the drama with... .and with all this new knowledge of depersonalization and it's not personal to me, I've protected myself... .and loved myself.  And loving myself, is about really listening to my needs all around, physical, emotional, spiritual... .It's quite a job coming from a codependent mindset.  I'm starting to learn to treat myself as the parent I've never had.  I've also starting to see that forgiveness is about loving yourself.  It has nothing to do with the other person that hurt me, and that includes the N/BPDs in my life.  And I forgive myself for all I did in reaction to all my hurt emotions.  Even if I am up and down in this time of recovery, and I don't get it right all of the time, I truly forgive and love myself. 

[maxen]

i am soo jealous, lnl. when will i learn how to do that?

[livednlearned]

i am soo jealous, lnl. when will i learn how to do that?

If I knew how to share it, I would 

I kinda did the "fake it till you make it" thing for 2 years. I kept trying to figure out what it meant to be healthy. Actually, getting healthy started with S12. I wanted to know what it meant to raise an emotionally healthy child, because clearly, a codependent mom and alcoholic N/BPD dad is not the secret sauce.

I just kept listening to what people were saying. It never really made sense, but I did stuff people suggested. Like setting boundaries. Asserting myself. Putting myself first. Ignoring the negative tape in my head as much as possible. Digging into the FOO, being brave about what I saw. Leaning into the yucky stuff. I didn't realize until after I left N/BPDx how easily I lied to cover up the bad stuff. It just rolled right off my tongue. I had to come clean with people and be real, and let the consequences be what they may. Talk about scary. 

And you know what? Nothing super bad happened. Mostly good things. Everything people said seemed to be true, about how it feels better to be real. I guess I was carrying around a lot of shame, more than I realized. And I didn't really believe that I could unload it. I thought I should carry it because it was mine, I made it, I deserved it. That seems so silly now.

Wow, has it ever been a slow process though. Growing and healing is slow business!

[livednlearned]

I too also realized that people can hurt me if I allow it.  In fact, more and more I am learning to not take unwanted and uncomfortable behaviors personally.  I have practiced that soo much this year.  I've run into some N/BPD people this year, starting a new life, and there were some that I could have gotten into the drama with... .and with all this new knowledge of depersonalization and it's not personal to me, I've protected myself... .and loved myself.  And loving myself, is about really listening to my needs all around, physical, emotional, spiritual... .It's quite a job coming from a codependent mindset.  I'm starting to learn to treat myself as the parent I've never had.  I've also starting to see that forgiveness is about loving yourself.  It has nothing to do with the other person that hurt me, and that includes the N/BPDs in my life.  And I forgive myself for all I did in reaction to all my hurt emotions.  Even if I am up and down in this time of recovery, and I don't get it right all of the time, I truly forgive and love myself. 

You describe the feeling and process so well, dharmagems. About becoming a loving parent to yourself, about forgiving, and learning to depersonalize, learning to protect yourself and love yourself. And yes, it is still an up and down process, some days better than others. I work in an area where I suspect there are many, many narcissists (academia). Sometimes I find myself being tugged into old patterns. Some days I resist it, and some days I don't. But it's ok, now I have this high water mark inside me, and know what it feels like to feel healthy and good and whole.

Loving myself while being imperfect... .that's amazing for me.

[fromheeltoheal]

I also struggled with how to love myself not because I didn't know how, but because I didn't know what that meant; of course when I was much younger I thought it meant masturbation.  Child.  But what is love?  That question has perplexed people through the ages.

But it's become clear lately, or at least it works for me, to give myself what I want from others.  :)igging and reading up and processing after my escape from borderline hell, where I was getting exactly what I didn't want or need, and considering the 'understanding driven' person described in schema therapy, what I need is empathy, validation and compassion.  Well, I know what those are, and it's a lot easier to give myself those than whatever 'love' is:

Empathy: listen to my body and respond to it, not try and outrun it with thoughts or put other people first.

Validation: self-validation is the cure to self-doubt.

Compassion: be gently with myself.  No blurting time tested phrases like 'you idiot'.  No ignoring my needs in favor of someone else's.  Focus on taking care of my comfort, health, rest, nurturing.

So there you go.  Good topic!