is the violence really intentional?

[zkirtz]

I have read this post:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0

over and over again.

It is so tough for me to swallow. Is the violence really intentional? It always happens during impulses.  When I acted passive agressive. When I acted as if I blamed him for anything. Or when I was too rough while saying no. This all made him think that I wanted to leave, whereas I just wanted some help with the dishes e.g.

My ex has a history of being abused. He grew up in the first 12

years of being battered by his father and he saw his mum being battered. He never lied about his BPD. He just said it to me and hoped I would cope. I even went to his therapist together with him.  He was diagnosed for 10 years already.

There were gradually more and more of these episodes, all taunted by understandable circumstances. No sleep. Too drunk. Argument with someone else.

When it got particularly bad, he would say things like:

":)o you cry for that? I start to respect my mother all of a sudden. She has been through way more than you".

He used to compared my suffering with his own suffering and said it did not mean much. It started of with explanations and even more explanations. His temper always occured during strange nightly episodes, when he could not fall asleep. He sometimes did not sleep for months in a row.

I just can't believe it.

Is it really intentional? Is it?

Is it something he could have stopped?

[Lady31]

zaz,

Yes, I do believe that this is something many nons have a hard time accepting, and because of our ability to make excuses in our minds for their behavior & look the other way a lot of times, you may find some that think that it is out of their pwBPD's control.

This was very eye opening for me.  Read books on abusive relationships and it will really start ringing true.

Let me put it this way:  If your pwBPD can control their abusive response to you while in front of other people, and it happens almost entirely where others can't see - then that is glaring proof they are quite capable of controlling themselves.  They make the CHOICE to let their behavior become abusive behind closed doors.  Also, they will feel comfortable doing this in front of other people they don't feel inhibited by.  For example, my exh knew his mother would never stand up to him, would never say anything to anyone else, and would excuse his behavior - so he had no problem being abusive toward me with her present.

Also - people don't abuse other people because of outside circumstances - they abuse people because they are abusive.   Too much to drink will not cause a non abusive person to be abusive.  They are abusive because of a WAY OF THINKING/BELIEF SYSTEM - and the drinking allows that to come out more easily.

I noticed that during the earlier instances of rage and abuse, my exh would feel very sorry and distraught.  The more time lapsed, and the more occurrences, his “remorse” was less and less apparent.  The more he could see what he could get away with, the more comfortable he was doing it.  I was the one that allowed this escalation because I didn’t set boundaries.  Did I deserve the abuse, NO!  But I was responsible for myself and the fact that I did not walk away when he didn’t stop.  Anyway, this is very common, abuse usually escalates over time.

[letmeout]

My abuse counselor told me the first time I saw her that There is NO excuse for ABUSE. Mental illness doesn't cause abuse, an abuser causes abuse. Being abusive is something they want to do. Alcohol doesn't cause abuse either, although an abuser may try to use that as an excuse for their abuse.

All abusers follow the same pattern; almost like they are clones. Sadly, the abuse always escalates over time. The only thing you can do to save yourself is to  get away from them.

Escaping isn't always easy; they don't want to take the time it takes to retrain another person to take their abuse. They will go to extremes to try and keep you. You have to be strong and resilient. Take comfort in knowing that your abuser will find another victim eventually and leave you alone. 

Been there, done that.

[RecycledNoMore]

Wow, that is a similar story to my uBPDex, he was physically abused by his mother( she was actually jailed when he was about 3, for the manslaughter of her own abusive father) , she was physically abused by me uBPDexs dad, anyway, I know its horrendous the cycle goes on n on, anyway, he used to compare me to his mum all the time, hed hurt me then laugh and say, " that ant s**+ my mum can take a beating better than you" , as if it was some sort of fked up competition,r@ lady31³yup he could restrain himself in front of police, or in court,or in front of family and people we knew, he had to keep the mask of normality on he CHOSE to keep it on,behind closed doors or in front of strangers though, he didnt giv a crap, and same here, over time the abuse got worse, and the aplogies became few and far between.