rage towards my mother even when she's being "good."

[cheerio99]

Hi everybody, I'm hoping some people can speak up and share strategies for dealing with parents with BPD specifically when they are more or less being "good."

My mother--god bless her--has had her really really bad moments, just like I'm sure everyone here can relate to. I know how to deal with those: I become very calm, wait for the crying/yelling/whatever to stop and I make sure not to reward bad behavior or get "sucked in" to the crisis myself by giving her the emotional engagement she craves. I will then try to reinforce better behavior by acting warmly towards her when she's behaving more reasonably.

What I haven't figured out yet is how to relate to her when she's acting better. Sometimes she makes an honest effort not to throw tantrums, honor boundaries, not "take hostages" as she puts it, etc. (she's had 40+ years of treatment for major depression, so she knows a lot of therapy terms)

But even when she makes these efforts, she'll still do little annoying things, like take little jabs at people, say bad things about someone she knows I like, etc. Or, she'll do this thing where she picks out my characteristics and "traces" them as to what I inherited from her vs. from my father. Or she'll just tell these long go-nowhere stories about slights that happened 50 years ago. On their own, these things are obnoxious but not that big of a deal. If a friend did them, I would be annoyed but not enraged.

But in the context of my history with her, I find these little things infuriating. Each nasty or self-absorbed comment makes a little "ping" on my psyche, until after a day or so of being around her, some small thing will push me over into a murderous rage: my heart will be racing, I'll be sweating, and it's all I can do to just maintain a facial expression of calm and force myself not to say anything I'll regret later or just scream and fly across the table and choke her.

I feel awful for feeling that way--she's been trying really hard to improve herself! She's always said she thinks I'll stop loving her someday, and I worry that it's happening. I used to enjoy being around her when she was happy at least, but in the last few years as I've gotten older, I just hate being around her, period.

So if anybody has managed to read this far into an incredibly long post from a newbie and has found some strategies for dealing with the rage you feel towards a loved one with BPD in a way that allows you to enjoy the good times with them to some extent, I'd love to hear them.

[GeekyGirl]

It's hard to spend a lot of time with someone negative or someone who nit-picks. It can be very frustrating.

Is your mother self-aware enough to know or understand that her comments are disturbing you? If she's good (even occasionally) at respecting boundaries, you could try setting one and ask her to keep your conversations light and positive. I've changed the subject with my mother when I've been uncomfortable too. I've kept phone conversations short on occasion too, when I've felt myself getting emotional. Sometimes all I need is to take a deep breath and focus on something else for a moment or two until I'm calm.

I become very calm, wait for the crying/yelling/whatever to stop and I make sure not to reward bad behavior or get "sucked in" to the crisis myself by giving her the emotional engagement she craves. I will then try to reinforce better behavior by acting warmly towards her when she's behaving more reasonably.

This is great, cheerio.  I know how emotionally draining it is to be around someone so negative, but I really like how you're practicing self-control and using positive reinforcement to encourage your mother.

[cheerio99]

It's hard to spend a lot of time with someone negative or someone who nit-picks. It can be very frustrating.

Is your mother self-aware enough to know or understand that her comments are disturbing you? If she's good (even occasionally) at respecting boundaries, you could try setting one and ask her to keep your conversations light and positive. I've changed the subject with my mother when I've been uncomfortable too. I've kept phone conversations short on occasion too, when I've felt myself getting emotional. Sometimes all I need is to take a deep breath and focus on something else for a moment or two until I'm calm.

I become very calm, wait for the crying/yelling/whatever to stop and I make sure not to reward bad behavior or get "sucked in" to the crisis myself by giving her the emotional engagement she craves. I will then try to reinforce better behavior by acting warmly towards her when she's behaving more reasonably.

This is great, cheerio.  I know how emotionally draining it is to be around someone so negative, but I really like how you're practicing self-control and using positive reinforcement to encourage your mother.

Thank you so much for your response!

Her responsiveness to my requests for behavior modification depend strongly on her mood. As I mentioned, she struggles with pretty serious depression. When she's in a good place emotionally, then it's more likely that she will respond positively to reminders about boundaries. She does want to treat people well--the desire is there. She has recently started to acknowledge that boundaries are good for the health of any relationship and knows intellectually that it's reasonable for a person to ask for boundaries. In fact, I was astounded a year or so ago when she acknowledged that her intolerance for other people's boundaries was probably what fueled her estrangement from her sister. She's visited her sister voluntarily for the first time in years, and for now at least they seem to be getting along ok and she seems to be maintaining more realistic expectations about that relationship.

But if she's in a bad mood or her medication is off or something, then she's still prone to become offended by my requests for small behavioral changes. Sometimes I can gauge where her mood is at, and sometimes I can't. And she's also been known to improve for a few years at a time and then have some bad years, so I have no idea how robust this insight will turn out to be.

I also sometimes feel guilty for keeping things "light and positive." When she's upset, she yearns for me to be upset with her (a few years ago she said in tears, "I'm in so much pain I'm bleeding over here, and you just sit over there stone-faced and refuse to bleed with me!". So I feel like I'm betraying her by wanting to stay positive and calm. Maybe that's a good thing to work on--to remember that I'm not actually doing her any favors by suffering along with her... .

[zone out]

Hi Cheerio

It is heartening to read how you have worked out a successful way to deal with your mother's 'bad moments'.  I am going to try and take a leaf out of your book, so to speak.  I too am especially friendly to reward uBPD mother for good behavior but I am going to work at 'not engaging emotionally'.  I might be like a duck peddling away furiously under the surface but I will keep my feathers smooth!

I know exactly what you mean regarding the sniping and barbed comments - the negativity.  My mother has very strong opinions on everyone and everything and I find myself feeling very irritated and trying to change the subject.  Sometimes I can feel irritation (although try very hard not to show it) when 'she is just being herself', not particularly difficult.  I think this stems from always having to 'bite your tongue' so to speak - that breeds resentment which in turn breeds contempt.  When I consider how I interact with friends, other family members, colleagues etc the door is open for differences of opinion and frank discussion - with mother it is either her way or a tantrum.

With regard to your mother wishing you would 'bleed with her' - is this not part of the enmeshment, I think you are doing the right thing by refusing to be drawn in and keeping things light and positive. 

Being in the presence of negativity is totally draining - I often have to go out for a long walk after particularly challenging visits or phone calls.  There is also a technique within reiki for clearing negative energy from your energy field.

This is a great site, keep reading and posting.

Regards

Zone out

[CinnamonRadio]

Oh I'm so glad someone is talking about this!

I too have a BPDMom who has had a lot of therapeutic support and makes an effort.  I'm convinced it's more to gain access to a future grand child than to show any love or respect to me, but I digress.

I definitely struggle with the jabs, and the low-blows, and especially with the distorted memories.  Some of them are just funny.  "Remember how we used to always have a nice turkey dinner at Thanksgivng?"  Ummm... .nope.  Nope, I remember not having enough food, and you telling me to just go make myself some shreddies and water because you were too "busy" too cook, if that's what you're talking about... .lmao!  One of my worst things is that Mother is now in a phase where she's decided she likes to hug and kiss, and it gives me the absolute creeps. 

I also sometimes feel like I might be weird or screwed up for even wanting to have a relationship with someone who was physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child.  I feel like for her, she views the fact that we are getting along as a sign that 'all is forgiven', when it's not ok at all.  It's just that I've accepted that she will never understand the damage she's caused and I've been able to move on without getting any kind of atonement from her.  But from her perspective, I think she feels like we've 'resolved our issues'. 

For me, my greatest challenge is knowing how to define this relationship to myself.  I find myself stuck in-between the rewarding reciprocal relationship I really want to have (but never ever can), and the fact that she's being too nice to just completely cut out.  My T is really great though, he will often remind me not to worry, that eventually she will rage again... .  At least then it feels "normal".  Oy!

[cheerio99]

Hi Cheerio

It is heartening to read how you have worked out a successful way to deal with your mother's 'bad moments'.  I am going to try and take a leaf out of your book, so to speak.  I too am especially friendly to reward uBPD mother for good behavior but I am going to work at 'not engaging emotionally'.  I might be like a duck peddling away furiously under the surface but I will keep my feathers smooth!

You know, I kind of learned the not-engaging thing all at once. For the longest time, especially as a teenager but even as an adult, I had no idea how to resist my mother's tantrums. I thought I had to stick it out and "process" things with her so that we could be on good terms again.

But one time a few years ago, I was trapped at her house with no car for a week at a time when I think she had missed a week of her medication for some reason, and she was also going through a divorce, so she was in bad shape (I don't know what I was thinking when planning this visit!).

It was the weirdest thing, but by day four I just felt cold and numb. I used to feel so sorry for her, but after four days of non-stop B.S. I was just done. She raged and sobbed for four solid hours on the fourth day (I was watching the clock--I'm not exaggerating) and I just sat there and didn't react at all, not even feeling any pity, just contempt as you put it. I think my lack of reaction was actually what made these tantrums so nasty and long-lived: she's used to getting a certain reaction from me and not getting it was driving her crazy.

When I felt like I couldn't take it, I tuned her voice out on purpose by meditating silently and just focusing on my breath as much as possible. I got really attuned to just the pattern of breathing in and out, in and out. I also tried to break down the time I had left to deal with her. In the afternoon, I knew her schedule and she had to go to work eventually so I knew I would have a break. At night, I would pretend to go to bed and just shut the door to the guest room. I also had a contingency plan that if I actually snapped or if she wouldn't let me sleep or something, then instead of murdering her I was going to walk a few miles to a hotel, which she couldn't really stop me from doing. At most, I figured the entire thing could go on for a week, and then I'd be back home thousands of miles away. My therapist had told me either before or right after the visit that I could handle anything for a few days, and she was right. I just kept repeating to myself: it's only time, and I can get through a few hours/days of it.

So getting through that awful week really turned out to be a game-changer for me. In a way, I'm grateful to her for having been that unreasonable for that long, to where I actually had to develop a new coping skill to stay sane. And so far since then, she hasn't actually thrown a full-on tantrum at me and it's been three years (or about 9 visits). Of course, I now never visit without someone else there like my husband or a sibling (she doesn't get that bad in front of other people usually), and I never visit without access to my own vehicle. And none of this would have played out the same way if I lived close-by and couldn't escape to my own world at the end of the week.

I hope if such a thing happens again, I'll be able to disengage with more of a sense of patience and equanimity and less contempt (what a great word by the way!). And better than that would be if I can avoid her when she's in those moods altogether. But in case you or someone else might find parts of it useful, that's how I learned to disengage during her tantrums.

[zone out]

Cheerio

Thank you for this insight.  You have helped me clarify my situation.  Like you, I also spent years trying to deal with mother's tantrums.  I tried reasoning, pleading - all to no effect.  Since joining this site I have become more emotionally detached and I think she is really craving for the attention she used to get with me in an absolute panic fussing over her.  She has probably gotten more extreme in her behavior, lashing out with crazy accusations.  :)uring one very bad episode a few months ago she even seemed to 'scare' herself with her behavior towards me.

I am going to try your idea of tuning out her voice and meditating slightly, perhaps even a mantra.  I think the detachment will have a positive benefit eventually and the tuning out will help me deal with her in the meantime.

I try really hard not to harbor resentment - I don't want to feel contempt and I think the key to this is as you say "to disengage with more of a sense of patience and equanimity" - what wise words!  I think a lot of the resentment comes from the feeling of being drawn into her warped psyche.

All best wishes to you.

Zone out

 

[lauren2013]

Cheerio - WOW. I feel the EXACT same way with my mom. It's almost like she has hurt me one too many times in the past and all of the sudden I just don't care about her anymore.  Don't get be wrong - I am still terrified of her reactions and she still has this incredible POWER over me, but I don't feel like I love her like I used to, if that makes sense.  I just feel like I hate her all the time and every little thing she does bothers me.  I just had a baby and she was saying something about how all microsomal DNA comes from the mother so she has her DNA in a way (since I have my moms) and it made me SO MAD.  Like she was trying to connect with my daughter or be a part of her or something and she absolutely is NOT in my mind.  I want my daughter as far away from her as possible.

I just posted something else and at the end of it I said something about how I often think about the day that my mom passes away and I don't think about it with sadness... .I actually feel a huge sense of relief.  I can't believe how sad it is that I would even say that.  But sometimes it feels like that is the only escape.  I desperately want to cut ties with her (at least emotionally) because I really just don't care about her anymore and I am so sick of being hurt, manipulated, jerked around.

My dad is still with her (god knows why).  I've tried to get him to think about leaving her (I know - so bad), but he just stays.  He's completely co-dependent. She emotionally abuses him, though.  I hate staying at my parents' house b/c I just watch/hear it all the time and it makes me sick. she doesn't talk to him in a loving way... .she talks to him in a mean, degrading way.  My poor dad.  But you know what, I can't save him and I am not responsible for their happiness, soo, if he is staying with her that is his choice and there is nothing I can do about it.

Let's stay in touch on this topic.  I have a feeling we are going to have to help eachother BREATHE!

[supergirl2]

Most everything written here could have been a page from my own journal. I echo the same sentiment.

[Drained Daughter]

I love love LOVE this topic!  I think it is one of those things that people without BPD in their lives would find very hard to get.

After a certain point of living with a BPD, once you've realized there is a problem and learned about the disease, I think there is a normal step where you try to assess and question whether you even like the person when they are not raging. 

You spend so much time trying to prevent or stop the raging where you just think, if only she would be normal again it would be so great.  My mother also has addiction problems so I also thought, "If only she'd stop using it would be so great."

Then she is (not raging and not using) and you come to realize that even when they are not raging they are still not normal people.  Mine is endlessly negative, judgmental, and reliving past wrongs (like people have already mentioned). 

For me, I just realized I don't even like her (not to mention basically not loving her).  It ends up just being gratitude for some of the good things she did for me when I was a child, FOG, and a general feeling of sadness when she hurts herself that keeps me involved at all.

I also feel like I don't cut her a break like I would when other people do low level annoying stuff, but jeez I spend so much time overlooking all of the really terrible crap she does, that I think I'm just too tired.

[imataloss]

This is a topic that I can definitely relate to.  After trying to have a decent relationship with my 90 year-old uBPD mother for most of my life, I no longer have it in me to make the effort because I know it's pointless.  Every time that things seem to be going well and I let my guard down, she eventually comes right back at me with her irrational, demanding, critical, negative behavior.

So I attempt to do the minimum to keep things civil between us and to have as little contact with her.  I dread going over to her apartment and try to get out of there as quickly as possible before a disagreement erupts.  In the past few years I've come to define ours as a business and not a personal relationship (if she needs transportation for a doctor's appointment I provide it, if she needs food or toiletries I go shopping for her, etc., etc.)

I can sense that she's trying to get along better with me, probably because I'm an only child and with no other close relationships she realizes that she has to depend on me to meet her needs.  But I no longer have it in me to cut her much slack, even though she's now a physically frail and fragile old woman.

Practically everything she says and does is a trigger for past events and the way she emotionally and verbally abused my poor father and myself.  The floodgates of awareness about her and her inappropriate behaviors opened up for me when my Dad developed terminal cancer 20 years ago.  It was then that I came to the realization that she'd held us "emotional and psychological hostages" over the years.

My relationship with her became extremely turbulent during the 2 years that my Dad was dying.  I swore then that I was finished with her after he passed away.  But then something happened and I just couldn't do it.  Initially I mistakenly thought that I could possibly get along with her without him in the mix.  WRONG!

As others have posted on this thread, I sometimes question if it was really as bad as I recall.  But all it takes is a raging episode like I experienced from her last Friday to erase those doubts.  I also feel guilt for not trying harder these days.  I used to wonder if I'd have regrets upon her death, but now I don't see that happening.  All these years with her have taken their toll on me.  At 60 years of age, I'm ready to move on and not have to deal with this chaotic and troublesome relationship any longer!

Sorry for this extra long post but I always feel better after sharing here.  I usually come back to this forum when there's turbulence in the relationship.  It helps so much to realize that my feelings and frustrations are shared with others experiencing something similar.  We all deserved and deserve so much better now!

[zone out]

Cheerio - you really did start a great thread, every post I read I am noddling in agreement ... .it is really useful for us to be able to share our thoughts and coping strategies.

Imataloss - I so identify with that sense of dread, strangely enough I have been using your idea of a business relationship between my mother and myself for a while - it is a sort of role play, I think myself into as I am driving over.  Either that or she is a 'project' in my indepth study of difficult old ladies.  The harsh 'treatment' I get from her seems to have less impact when I don't think of her as 'mother'. 

[Drained Daughter]

WOW ZoneOut & Imatalos, I'm ROFL!  I also use the business relationship/"special project" approach too!

At one point my husband was asking my why I keep buying my mom clothes (among other things) when she is such a jerk all the time.  I explained to him that at least I could take some pleasure from treating her like my living doll and getting cute little outfits for her!  (you have to picture that my absolute hellion of a mother is only 4'11" and 100 pounds soaking wet, with a cherubically round face)

Twisted, maybe, but you definitely have to find enjoyment where you may in your relationship with your BPD relative.

[ursulajane]

Thank you for these posts.  I need to come to this site more often.  This subject resonates so strongly with me!

I have only posted a couple times as I feel guilty talking about my mother this way.  She quotes the Bible to me about "respecting" your mother.  My 90 year old mother lives with my husband and me and my husband is a saint!  I have been saying for years "I don't need her to die but just go away!"  Unfortunately for her to go away she will have to die.  Won't leave the house to visit any one including a sister in the same town and then complains that she spends all her time alone. 

This morning I said "Good morning!" - which I HAVE to be sure to say or she calls me on it by saying later "well Good morning" in a nasty tone.  She didn't respond to me today so I didn't say it again (she is also hard of hearing but won't get a hearing aids as she will be dead soon -has said that for 15 years!) when she says to me "well good morning" and I said "oh I said good morning but I guess you didn't hear me." Her snide remark was "well if I didn't respond then obviously I didn't hear you!" She can be SOO nasty and vile.  Stores up her venom and then when she can't stand it anymore spews it all forth - on me usually because I am in sight - and then she seems to feel better meanwhile I am nauseous and think I am developing an ulcer and am so hypervigilant that I have to tell myself to breathe.

I try to follow what everyone says here - all good suggestions - mantra, being aware of triggers, meditating and focusing on other things but since I have no respite I get sucked back in again and again and again.  There is no recourse - not a home, not a senior center, not a friendly visitor, not my sister or her children stopping in to visit... .she refuses it all.

This past weekend I went to visit a very sick member of my husband's family and had a niece stay with my mother.  She refused to say goodbye to me or have a safe trip.  Didn't talk to me when I got back and when I went into her web to ask if she was angry at me her reply was "no I'm used to spending all my time alone!"  She is angry at my sister for caring for an uncle out of state who just came out of a nursing home because "I am her responsibility not him!"  doesn't get it when I say that she is healthy and he isn't well and if she were sick my sister would be here for her too.

I am SICK and TIRED of needing to provide CONSTANT validation when it doesn't stick.  I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I am sorry I didn't mean to make this post all about me but I often don't know where to go with the anger, sadness and rage I feel.  I need to grieve the loss of my mother before she actually dies because I have been parenting her all these years not the other way around.  I am angry at her and sometimes can't even stand the sound of her voice.  Living with her may kill me first if I don't get a grip. 

I have outlets and friends who live an hour away where we can spend the weekend but since I don't hear the end of it before we go or after we get back it almost isn't worth it.  Feel like the fly caught in the vicious spider's web.  I need to stop as I feel as if I could type for days.  I probably need to resume therapy but know what I will be told - "don't engage her!"  Hard to do when she baits me every day ... .most of the day.

I should call myself "tired beyond repair" because I am just exhausted... .emotionally and physically and every which way.  Keep asking God why her won't just take her.  Then feeling like a horrible daughter.

See can't seem to stop circling this drain.  I will continue to read and hope to be able to gain strength from all of you!

[zone out]

Ursulajane

This is a very good thread started by Cheerio.

I have not been on the site this week as my (uBPD) mother has been taken to hospital but I just felt I had to reply to your post.

Please do not feel guilty for posting and being on the site - the support helps you deal with the BPD in your life and in turn helps them as well.

In the space of 5 days my mother has gone from forgetting the odd day of the week to living in her own world - seemingly sudden onset of dementia but they haven't ruled out an infection yet.  She has been very challenging especially over the last 6 months  and without this site I could not have coped... .even the knowledge that there was a reason beyond their control for the strange behaviour helped take away much of the hurt.  Evidently in her case the BPD was probably masking some of the early onset symptoms.

One of the last lucid things she said to me before she retreated into this surreal world was a comment that she had felt lonely and unhappy when I wasn't with her.  Prior to gaining the knowledge that I have now, that comment would haunt me - but I know it is the illness talking, I visited or talked to her on the phone every day but nothing is ever enough and the BPD dislikes being alone.  So I can put it in context.

You have provided your mother with a good home - but nothing is ever enough, all we can do is our best while keeping boundaries in place to protect ourselves.    Take care and keep in touch.

[foodie]

I think many of feel the same way.  I often times wish that I could feel more love towards my mother, but I am afraid that it is permanently dead.  I do love her viscerally, I suppose, in the way that you always love family, but I loathe her deeply and feel also a very visceral repulsion and hatred.  I am afraid that too much damage has been done to me, and I honestly do not think I can ever recover, deep down.  Even when she's "good," I cannot get back to a loving place. 

[foodie]

Cheerio - WOW. I feel the EXACT same way with my mom. It's almost like she has hurt me one too many times in the past and all of the sudden I just don't care about her anymore.  Don't get be wrong - I am still terrified of her reactions and she still has this incredible POWER over me, but I don't feel like I love her like I used to, if that makes sense.  I just feel like I hate her all the time and every little thing she does bothers me.  I just had a baby and she was saying something about how all microsomal DNA comes from the mother so she has her DNA in a way (since I have my moms) and it made me SO MAD.  Like she was trying to connect with my daughter or be a part of her or something and she absolutely is NOT in my mind.  I want my daughter as far away from her as possible.

This is honestly SO bizarre and therapeutic that so many of us have the EXACT same story.  I have been telling my husband recently that I feel like such a monster because I honestly don't think I love her anymore, or care at all.  I have never thought I'd get to this point... .but it's totally unavoidable!  And I feel guilty! 

I also have small children and anytime she "identifies" with them I want to freaking VOMIT.  It is so traumatic to think about her feeling connected to my own children. 

[ursulajane]

This thread is so helpful I have re-read all of the posts several times. 

I would love some suggestions about how to handle an uBPD elderly mother who will change her mind about what she wants/expects repeatedly.

I ask her what can I do to make her days better... .does she  want me to watch some TV with her?  She says "no need ... .you watch TV with your husband I am fine."  The next day she will tell me she spends all day alone and she wishes she had never relocated to move with me.  She left every one she knew up north.  When I suggest we find a way to help her return to her home town if that's what she wants she says "why... .I don't know anyone up there any more they're all dead! But I bet you wish I would move back!"

Two weeks ago she said as long as she has a roof over her head and knows someone is there for her at night she is fine.  Last week when I went into work late and was in our family room on the computer for a couple hours she got aggravated because "it's like a morgue in here!  The least you could do is let me know when you're going to be downstairs for a long period of time." 

I unfortunately don't learn and tell her she just told me about not needing anyone around and I shouldn't have to tell her when I go from room to room as long as she knows when she is in the house alone.  She pulls the "age" card... ."Well I'm 90 years old.  You should be more thoughtful.  You just don't have any compassion for old people.  You NEVER used to be like this."  When I am in a bad way I tell her that I wasn't ever this way because I never had to live with her without my father as a buffer.  When I am nice I try to not say anything and walk away.

When I walk away she accuses me of not caring and says loudly "I wish I were dead and I bet you do too!" 

When I tell her I can't win with these conversations she says "I didn't know we were in competition!"

She claims she can't remember what she says because she is old... .but she has a keen memory and can remember EVERY slight done to her from last week to 40 years ago.  She told my older sister several years ago "I never could make you cry!"  So sick.   

She is negative negative negative.  When I try to turn things around she calls me a "goody two shoes" or "Pollyanna." 

I am almost afraid to speak in my own home.  I know it will lead to a fight but then when I don't talk I am accused of avoiding her. 

Any ideas for how to find a little inner peace.  I am so emotionally drained from all of this.  I have lost all the oomph I used to have - I am letting her suck the life out of me and my marriage.  She won't change and I have to but I don't know how to start when I am dealing with such erratic behavior.

[sophiegirl]

oo Ursulajane, I could write an essay in reply but ours stories would be almost identical. I live with my husband & young kids. We built a self contained unit next door, she is 88 and moved here about 5 years ago because she 'needed to be with family, she had no real friends left, most of her real friends had died'. Now she pulls the same cards as your mother if we go out for the evening. We got respite care so we could go away for the weekend, shes been a couple of times and hates it. At Christmas we are all going to meet my husbands sister and family at the airport and will be gone 3 nights and told her we would get a house sitter and she is furious. This year has been really awful with her and I was reduced to rock bottom but finding this site has strengthened my resolve and been my turning point. Yes I deserve happiness, this is my home and my life and I am allowed to enjoy it. I have stopped lying to her to protect her from truths she doesn't want to hear. I don't love her or even feel pity for her anymore. The result? She is no longer eating, just sits in a chair watching tv and not eating. I dutifully take food to her on a plate but that's it. These are her problems and trying to solve them for her empowers her but just sucks the energy out of me. Great topic thanks and great to be able to share this with other people who understand. If I told anyone in the 'outside world' that my mother dying would be a relief, I really don't think they'd understand. I dread the funeral - I am an only child - will I be expected to stand up and say nice things about her? I don't know if I can trust myself not to tell the truth.

[imataloss]

I can relate to the topic of this thread more than any other since I started visiting this site in July.  I can identify with each poster's dilemma in dealing with their BPD mother.  But ursulajane and sophiegirl, I can't even imagine living in the same house with my 90-year-old mother.  It's bad enough living 3 miles away and visiting at her apartment every 2 weeks or so!

Yesterday I experienced a breakthrough in dealing with her that I want to share.  Took her to the mall to go shopping, her all-time favorite activity.  (You'd think a 90-year-old woman with 2 closets stuffed full of clothes and shoes would have enough to last what's left of her lifetime!)

On the way home from the mall she started saying negative things about my aunt, her sister, who lives in the same city.  Since my father died, this aunt is the only person I can confide in who completely understands what I go through with my mother.  This aunt is the complete opposite of my mother and my mother treats her the same way she treated my dad, like a piece of garbage.

So I calmly asked my mother to stop saying bad things about my aunt, and she totally refused and just kept going at her.  After about 3 repeated requests for her to stop, I shouted at her to shut up.  From there it quickly escalated with her attacking me and bringing up past events.  I responded by saying hurtful things to her, but all of them honest and truthful.  I'm at the point where I'm not willing to tolerate much of her BS at all, regardless of the consequences.

By the time we arrived back at her assisted living apartment I had retreated and was no longer participating in her verbal assault.  But she wasn't finished and continued attacking me in a loud voice.  She tried to run over me with her walker (that's happened before).  But the clincher was when she told me that she wanted to spit on me!  What kind of person says something like that to another person, much less to their only child?

I then responded by telling her that she is a wicked person, and telling her to "get back in her cage" after opening her door.  Upon leaving I whispered in her ear that she no longer bothers me at all.

So here's the breakthrough:  I feel almost no sense of remorse, guilt, or sympathy for her as I usually do after an episode like that.  Actually I feel pretty damned good!  It feels like I've finally broken free from her spell.  I feel a sense of peace and well- being.  I thought by today I'd regret it all but so far not.  At 60 years of age my personal welfare is more important to me than hers!

I have no idea how this will eventually play out but I'm not that concerned about it at the moment.  I can't see myself going total NC (she has no one else who's willing to help her, plus she doesn't want to be bothered by another person when she has me).  But our relationship will definitely be different (hard to imagine it any more distant and strained than it already is).    I have no respect left for her and she has no relevance to my life.

I've taken the advice of 2 friends whom I've told this story, and made an appointment for tomorrow with my long-term therapist who's absolutely wonderful.  I'm not completely "out of the woods" yet, but hope my story will help others see that drastic measures may be necessary to get out of this quagmire.  Bless you all as we struggle through the challenges of having a BPD person in our lives.

[sophiegirl]

ooeerr Imataloss! go you.

Has she been in touch since? I suspect many of us have found this site when at a very low point, I know I did. Its interesting that a few of us have reached a point where we're saying what we think and lost the guilt, pity etc. I let rip a couple of weeks ago at mother when she was being remarkably thoughtless and selfish and she hasn't been the same since, just subdued and sickly, I really don't think that was the response she was expecting. I ought to feel worried about her but I just don't feel anything except repulsion.

The other interesting thing is that so many of our mothers say and do really similar things. Even use the same expressions. Like others I've been amazed at how many almost identical stories there are. Its a bit like getting flu you can guarantee the shivers. Up till I found this site I kept the problems with mother quite secret, I thought I was the only one dealing with this behavior and somehow I really might be the cold, ugly, fat, uncaring, selfish daughter I'm lead to believe I am. But hey I'm not! finding this site has been quite empowering.

back to your post Imataloss - The worse thing about having a uBPD mother on the doorstep is going anywhere. We can't spontaneously accept weekends away or sleepover at friends houses as she refuses to be alone. I have now reduced my visits to her to just 5 mins a day, I pop in, don't ask her how she is take some milk or food over and leave. I can't stand the smell of her or her house any more. Now if I've had a tough day at work I don't go over, I may ring her and ask if she needs anything that's it.

A while back I missed two days visits as I was working late. She rang me up and said accusingly that I hadn't been to see her. I told her I had been too busy and she said 'oh, you're too busy to be bothered with your own mother, (etc etc) and I said well if you wanted to see me why didn't you come over (her front door is exactly 10m from ours) and she said 'I don't see why I should!" A roll your eyeballs no win situation.

all for now x

[imataloss]

No sophiegirl, I haven't heard from my mother since her blowup this past Wednesday.  And I've had no inclination to call her either.  I've remained strong in my resolve to distance myself from her even farther.  Like I said, that awful encounter we had on Wednesday was a breakthrough for me!

My plan is to let her know that I can only be in her presence if a 3rd party is present (that will probably be my partner who's very supportive).  I had a good session with my therapist yesterday who thought this would be a good strategy.  She confirmed that I've had a breakthrough, and as a result my relationship with my mother can't be the same as before.

I'll probably call her within the next week if she hasn't contacted me, mainly to check on her welfare.  As I'm sure you're aware sophiegirl, there are additional considerations when you're an only child dealing with an elderly BPD parent.  If my mother does call me before I call her, she'll probably do as always and pretend that nothing has happened.  She seems to have reached the realization that at this stage of her life she's a LOT more dependent on me than I am on her, cause I depend on her for nothing.  And I think that infuriates her!  But I don't think I'll play along like nothing has happened this time.

So that's where I stand, still no guilt or remorse.  It's wonderful!  Actually I'm thinking of her less than I usually do (thoughts of her are usually always in the background of my mind). 

Thanks for everyone's feedback and support.  Would welcome advice or pointers from anyone who's gone through this process of distancing.  After my recent posts on this thread and the responses I've received, I truly do feel a part of this community.  Cheerio99, thanks again for starting this topic, come back and join us!

[chickadee]

I think many of feel the same way.  I often times wish that I could feel more love towards my mother, but I am afraid that it is permanently dead.  I do love her viscerally, I suppose, in the way that you always love family, but I loathe her deeply and feel also a very visceral repulsion and hatred.  I am afraid that too much damage has been done to me, and I honestly do not think I can ever recover, deep down.  Even when she's "good," I cannot get back to a loving place. 

Thank you for posting this foodie!  It's a relief to know that I'm not the only one who feels exactly like this.

[roses65]

my mom's psychiatris said when she pushes your button say"I am sorry you féel that, way. It stops her in her tracks. Just have to keep responding that way.

[cheerio99]

Wow, I didn't see any new replies to this for few days and so I stopped checking it--looks like others had more to say!

I just read through them all and I can't remember who said it, but somebody mentioned taking pleasure in getting clothes for her mother as something she can enjoy even though her mother has BPD. I really like that. Most people are not all bad--even people with severe mental illness are capable of some amount of positive interaction. And I think taking pleasure in those things is a good way of (1)  connecting with the person, and (2) alleviating guilt from NOT connecting with the person.

I think (2) is especially important, at least for me. I often feel both incredibly sad and aggrieved, but also guilty, that I can't enjoy my mother's company the way a daughter should enjoy her mother. Part of the guilt is because I know how much it would hurt her to hear me say that, and part is because I really do feel that I'm being ungrateful.

But if I can think back to some concrete examples of times I DID enjoy something with or about my mother, then I can look back to those things and think, well, it's not like I've been totally ungrateful. The more I can create good experiences that we both genuinely enjoy that aren't twisted or toxic, the more I'll have to fall back on to alleviate the guilt. So if that means buying your mother clothes, then as long as you're holding yourself to reasonable time and budgetary limits, I say go for it.