Struggling-Found out through the Grapevine she is seeing someone else.

[MyKryptonite]

I want to start by apologizing, I went on a bit of a rant earlier that was appropriately flagged my a moderator. I was so angry and hurt, still am. Some of you may or may not have read the rant before it got pulled, and I am sorry for anything that was inappropriate in it.

I was talking to a friend today that is still friends with my uBPDex. this weekend this same friend mentioned a posting my ex had put on Facebook, but changed the subject quickly. Today I pressed for information thinking it was more blasting me for being an SOB and a horrible person. What I wasn't expecting was the news that she was seeing someone else or that she had posted on Facebook how awesome he is and how he has done so many sweet things for her like take out the trash, do her dishes, cook for her, take care of the dog at night so she doesn't have to go out alone after dark, etc etc. All things I had done for her. . . It hurt and it sucked and I was angry, and enraged. I was angry that I was so quickly replaced, that 2 1/2 months ago she could not live without me, that she claimed she was begging me to stay (by alternately crying and lobbing insults) that when we were together she said if anything ever happened to us or our relationship she thought 6 months was the MINIMUM amount of time before starting to date so as to be respectful to the other and relationship. I wasn't just angry with her, but I was angry with myself because she still has so much control over me, so I vented and ranted here. I'll re-post if anyone would like to read/see/comment on the raw reaction, but writing it out helped a lot even without feedback. I hurt. So what did I do?

Well I mentioned before a few weeks after I moved out she dumped off in trash bags many things, in fact probably almost everything she could find that might remind her of me. Many of which I have no use for. I went through them sorted them pulled out things that were mine or that I wanted to hold onto to remember the good that was in the relationship before this illness took it's toll, and boxed the rest up and stored them. I moved them from my house to my new apartment a week ago. After this news and the ensuing angry reaction I wrote a letter. Used an abundance of "I" statements, "I'm sorry it didn't work out, I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough. . . " I also told her I kept some things but did not feel it was my place or responsibility to dispose of the rest of it so she could do with them what she wanted. I told her While I knew our relationship was irreconcilable, and she may not believe it I did love her. I felt better after writing this. I then boxed up the things into one box, threw out a few things that were gifts to me, attached the note, left the box on her doorstep and drove home to my new place. I felt so relieved when I was done. I felt more closure than I thought I might, then the thoughts began to race about what the possible reactions may be, will she lash out, or accept this as a final word and leave me to live my life. As stupid as it may sound I worried what if the tape didn't hold, and the note blew off the box? And then I just felt sad, sad for her, sad for me, sad for our life plans and dreams. I would have encouraged her to chase all her dreams, and allowed her to do it as she saw fit. She encouraged me to chase my dreams, but only the way she saw fit and as it suited her. I want MY life back but I have to find a way to get back to the dreams I had before her, that became dreams for our life together, and make them mine again instead of ours.

[ShadowDancer]

Chill man... .CHILL!

[patientandclear]

I'm sorry Kryptonite.  It is always super hard when you learn that news.  Especially when the things your ex wants in a r/s apparently are exactly what you were providing.  Many on this board have had the experience of seeing an online posting by a BPD ex listing all the qualities and interests they want in a partner -- and it's their former partner to a T!

They don't understand why it didn't work before.  Their theories are mostly rationalizations and projections.  They think they just had the wrong partner.  It's awful, but it's so predictable.

I'm sorry, I know it's still very hard to go through.

[hurtbyboderline]

Sorry your having to go through this. My exBPDGF mentioned something on a FB post that I read about seeing someone else. It momentarily hurt. Why only momentarily? Because when we were together I caught her cheating several times. And I highly suspect there were many more affairs that I didn't have proof of. My thinking is she was sleeping with others when we were together & that's a lot worse in my mind than sleeping with others when were NOT together. Most of the time they have back ups already lined up before a relationship ends. Plus mine never let go of any of her ex's. The only way contact ended with an ex was if the guy refused to cooperate. Just remember your exGF will treat her new BF JUST like she treated you. It won't be any different for him. It's not about you when they do all their borderline stuff, it's about THEM. THEY have a very serious mental illness. You didn't break her & you can't fix her... .  zzz

[Bit Lost]

This has made me angry too reading this... .how, just how do they find it so damn easy to replace us? I don't know how they find it so easy! It sickens me to my stomach quite honestly. I can't even imagine moving on with someone else so quickly. However I do know they will just end up treating that person the same way as they have treated us. I don't know if I've ever been replaced but then he lives so far away I'm glad I don't know what he's up to anymore, all I do know is that he has kissed other women but then we weren't together and I was fine with that, I am an adult and I understand that things will happen. What I didn't like was the fact he felt he had to hide it from me  for months and still carried on treating me and speaking to me like I was something on the bottom of his shoe. I hate liars and I hate people that hide things from me especially treating me the way he had been. That isn't the life for me and it's not the life for anyone.

[MyKryptonite]

Thank you for all the support. I woke up and cried this morning but different then before. I believe hey are tears of sadness, validation and closure which is sad in it's own way. The back story: A year ago I planned behind her back to fly one of her best friends, who had never come and visited, here for a visit in December. It rocked her world I NEVER saw her so happy and excited. When things got tense leading up to our first break up in January I was banned from having any contact with her friends, and was told I could only be trusted if I un-friended all of them from Facebook, which I happily did to try and work on the relationship.I have had no contact at all from this individual since late January early February NONE. I woke up today, and I had notification from Facebook that he changed his Facebook profile picture to one of my pictures. It was a picture from the trip. My interpretation of this, knowing what I know of him, and knowing he would not directly contact me as it would be viewed as a betrayal to her, tells me that she got the note, and the items, and that in his opinion (not that it should matter but we all like/want validation especially in tough times), it was an appropriate and loving gesture. I know I will never hear it directly from her, him, or anyone else from her circle. But that is the only interpretation I have for his act and the timing, I am NOT looking for any other interpretations.

A friend told me recently I will find someone who recognizes how great I am, truly appreciates it and cherishes me as much as I cherish them. It's tough, but I do believe that. I am a compassionate and loving man and in closing I would like to share my final written words to my ex-, I burned all the hard copies I made, and I am about to delete the word document so these words will be the last record I have of this loving and compassionate letter:

". . . so I assume this will be our last contact. With that in mind I wish you everything you could ever want out of life and more. More love, more happiness, and more joy. While I wish it could have been with me, it was not meant to be. I do not know if you can believe me and I know our relationship in any form, even as friends,  is irreconcilable I did and do love you and right now I cannot imagine a time when that will not be true.

Wishing you everything,

'My Name'"

replies are welcome and thank you for being supportive and letting me share.

[Vexx]

". . .  since this will be our last contact, I'll take this opportunity to wish you everything you could ever want out of life and more.

All the best,

'My Name'"

If you absolutely had to write a note, then this would have been perfect. I feel that you gave away your power with the note you wrote.

[Somewhere]

And on the Good Side . . .  YOU GOT AWAY!

Pity the New Guy.    

[MyKryptonite]

If you absolutely had to write a note, then this would have been perfect. I feel that you gave away your power with the note you wrote.

Actually Vexx for the first time in a VERY long time I felt and feel like I stood in my power. Respectfully, People who know me personally the nearest and dearest and consistent in my life, would understand that statement. There is not NEARLY enough time or space to explain this here but I feel at peace and detached. The thoughts I had about her today and the possibility that this gesture may have sent her into a rage were met with minimal sadness fro her and what I know her road ahead will be, but not the blubbering tears so desperate to find a way to "save" her. She has her path and I respect that and I no longer have to walk it with her. Tonight for the first time since the break up I have gone through some things, found a stray item here and there that I had bought for her, or a memory comes to mind and I can smile for the good with no desire to create any more good memories with this woman. I calmly rationally listened to my gut and followed my heart, did what I  needed to do for ME, I truly do wish her the best. I just know that I deserve the best too, and she is not that for me.    Love to all. I do NOT encourage ANYONE else to take the actions I did, but I know me, I knew what I needed, and this decision was made from a place of peace after I went on my rant yesterday. Thank You. I will let you all know if I need support because I can ask for what I need again, I have given myself that permission again. I hope to primarily focus on helping others hear when I can. Good night and be well.

[redbaron5]

At least you heard it through the grapevine, My disaster had the audacity to call me and tell me directly.