Forgiveness Letter

[BPSurvivor7588]

My therapist gave me an assignment to write you a forgiveness letter. I will never send it to you... .and really it isn't for you at all. I've put it off for so long. Partly because I don't want to forgive you but mostly because you don't deserve forgiveness. The best part is that it doesn't even matter to you. I found out what you are. And although it has helped me cope... .it's been hard not to get mad at myself for everything I wasted on you. I gave you all of me. The deepest darkest parts. I was so vulnerable, so raw. Every nerve was exposed. Waiting for you to cover me up, reassure and protect. You were never even capable of such a fiet. All my life I have made myself an object to men. My form of self defense. Overlooking my depth and self worth and pretending to have none. Then I find you. An actual living, breathing inanimate object. You precisely transformed me into my pretense. Abolishing my self worth. Over clouding my depth. I wasted time and money and tears on you. But what I regret wasting the most on you was my trust. The term beating a dead horse doesn't even begin to describe. You said it yourself, you're a parasite. You are anguish. You are pity. You are sorrow. You are disgust. You were my pretend. And now you are my nothing. You are hit__ hit_.

Eventually I will get to the point that I don't wish bad things on you. I wont want you to die in a fire or catch every STD known to mankind. I have already overcome my need to make you see. I have already accepted you are empty. I already couldn't give two sh**s about what goes on in that pathetic mind of yours. But eventually all you will be is that one regret so many years ago. In normal circumstances, with a normal human being, this would be the part where I say something about how much you will regret losing me. And how someday you will see what a catch I was. Fortunately for me and my sanity, I know that day will never come. For now I just get the satisfaction of knowing that you are so miserable you can't even comprehend what misery is. You are empty and will remain so. I have bigger shoes to fill and a much more fulfilling life to live. I no longer need your affection, attention, reassurance or your approval. I'm done with you.

I guess there wasn't really any forgiveness in this. But why waste the space or time. When you wouldn't even understand what I would be forgiving you for? You're f***ing pitiful and thankfully that is how you will stay. Good bye. I wish I could say it was a pleasure... .any of it.

[Jbt857]

As you say, Survivor, not a lot of forgiveness there.

But thanks for putting it out there. You have a great turn of phrase. 

Do you feel better for writing it?

[BPSurvivor7588]

I wrote it quite a while ago. I had to hold on to the angry in order to get through the letting go. It helped so much to just get it out. There was so much pent up from not being able to get through to him. Since then my anger has settled into mild discontent. I think of him less and less.

[Learning_curve74]

Wow... .that letter says a lot BPSurvivor. Like you said, not much forgiveness in there, yet you were honoring your feelings which is great. I can't speak for others, but I know one of the reasons that I suffered in my BPD relationship was because I ignored to many of my "negative" feelings when I probably should have paid more attention to them.

Thank you for sharing.

[fromheeltoheal]

An actual living, breathing inanimate object. 

The reason that is so hilarious to me is because it's perfect; thank you very much!

Lot of anger in there, and as you say, you wrote it a while ago.  Detachment from a failed relationship with a borderline has stages, like the stages of grief.  I was massively angry for maybe 8 months, and it was lucky for me that no one crossed my path in the wrong way during that time, or I'd be in jail.  Then that morphed and waned into physical sickness, no energy, lethargy, fever, chills, aching joints, the physical manifestations of core trauma that had to work their way out, and also physical symptoms of depression.  That lasted the summer.  Now I'm feeling what feels like acceptance, I am able to forgive her, for me, I don't think about her much and the emotions have waned.  I've now got enthusiasm towards the future and clear direction, actually much clearer than when I met her, and I thank her for that. 

So it's a process.  The letter you wrote was mostly anger, but you said it's a little dated.  Where are you now in the process?

[Turkish]

That's a good letter. Very honest about what you are feeling.

Wow... .that letter says a lot BPSurvivor. Like you said, not much forgiveness in there, yet you were honoring your feelings which is great. I can't speak for others, but I know one of the reasons that I suffered in my BPD relationship was because I ignored to many of my "negative" feelings when I probably should have paid more attention to them.

Thank you for sharing.

My negative feelings boiled under the surface. My X felt them, and it triggered her into thinking I "abandoned" her... .which in a sense she is right. So she abandoned me in reality.

[Jbt857]

I wrote it quite a while ago. I had to hold on to the angry in order to get through the letting go. It helped so much to just get it out. There was so much pent up from not being able to get through to him. Since then my anger has settled into mild discontent. I think of him less and less.

I wish I could tap into some of your anger reserves. I seem to feel a lot of sadness and grief, not so much anger. In my life in general, I don't tend to get angry - frustrated, yes, but not angry, so I don't know whether it's something I will feel.

Thinking of him less and less is great - keep going! I can't wait to get to that point!

[bruisedbattered]

That was a beautiful letter    I wish Id had it to copy, paste, and send off my ex a month ago.   I too had/have tons of anger issues ive been dealing with over the last few weeks, and fortunately the asss who have crossed my path since then were saved by the grace of God, and my fine thread of tolerance I have lingering.   I used to be such an easy going, down to earth, loving, and enthusiastic man.  Since my xBPDgf took me down to hell with her, Ive managed to claw my way out of the inferno, but unfortunately brought my own personal demons back with me.  Those demons weigh heavy on my conscience, soul, and heart.     Forgiveness however meaningless it might be to them, is the only way we will ever get on with our lives.   Not only do we need to forgive them, but we need to forgive ourselves.  The latter for me being the hardest part.       

[BPSurvivor7588]

 I wrote that letter over nine months ago. So I have come a LONG way. In the end of the relationship I had completely lost myself. I was not longer an individual with my own thoughts and opinions. Things got really really ugly. And once it was over I spent a good three months of severe depression. I was so heart broken, there was no anger, and all I did was blame myself. Then I got this huge boost of energy. I was still really depressed but all of a sudden I was able to brush things off that would have normally ruined my day. I was more successful at work, I could accomplish things quickly. It was like this high. I attribute it to the massive amount of energy I had been wasting on all the stress in my relationship. After a while I got used to it and my "high" became my normal and I crashed a little. I was still in this muck of self pity that I couldn't (wouldn't) pull myself out of. I kept reaching out to my ex and rekindling. Then this major big blow up occurred. And that was it. I was done being the victim. So I got angry. REALLY angry. And held on to it until I didn't feel that hurt. A lot has happens since then but I am now almost to my year mark NC. And I'm not angry anymore. I am a better person than I have ever been. I am surrounded by amazing people and have even started a very healthy wonderful relationship. As awful as everything has been, I wouldn't take it back. I have learned so much.

[fromheeltoheal]

A lot has happens since then but I am now almost to my year mark NC. And I'm not angry anymore. I am a better person than I have ever been. I am surrounded by amazing people and have even started a very healthy wonderful relationship. As awful as everything has been, I wouldn't take it back. I have learned so much.

WooHoo!  I can relate to a lot of that, and good for you!  And what brings you here now?

[BPSurvivor7588]

I'm actually looking for in info on L4 because there is a whole other set of issues that arise once you enter a new relationship. So I am hoping for some guidance and "what to expect" information. I just wanted to post this letter somewhere that people would understand and appreciate it. And hopefully maybe help others understand what took me so long to fully grasp.

[ShadowDancer]

For me, at the end of the day, the one who needed, and could use, my forgiveness... .was me.

[slimmiller]

Anger is also very useful in healing. It fuels our desire to move on and prevents us from just sinking and wallowing. It helps to burn it off and lets us start to say, 'I deserve better', 'I will never ever again put up with that kind of treatment'

And above all, it helps to stir life and passion deep inside. It helps to rebuilt. We have to be careful though, that it does not get destructive to ourselves or others

Keep healing and be good to you

[Waifed]

Anger is also very useful in healing. It fuels our desire to move on and prevents us from just sinking and wallowing. It helps to burn it off and lets us start to say, 'I deserve better', 'I will never ever again put up with that kind of treatment'

And above all, it helps to stir life and passion deep inside. It helps to rebuilt. We have to be careful though, that it does not get destructive to ourselves or others

Keep healing and be good to you

I too wrote a forgiveness letter about three weeks ago.  I have since rescinded it.  I think time will allow me to forgive again but for now I am pretty ok with hating the b*tch.  I truly think she is the lowest form of life on earth.  Her lack of boundaries leads to the lack of morals which is just absolutely disgusting.  I pity her.  I have as much anger towards myself for allowing this to happen.  I think I will forgive myself soon enough  

[Naddred369]

BPsurvivor7588

I think your forgiveness letter is amazing. Its real, its raw and its full of emotion.

The sad thing is if id sent that to my exBPDgf she wouldnt even feel the blame or anger or frustration.

She wouldnt feel the emotion in those words.

She wouldnt understand it at all!

Its like banging your head against a brick wall!

Hope things are getting better for you.

[Turkish]

I too wrote a forgiveness letter about three weeks ago.  I have since rescinded it.

I won't. I told her the other night it is up to each of us separately to figure it out. I'm not engaging with the emotional disorder, through which almost every word and action is filtered. I only wrote her that one response on the computer, stating the facts behind my discard, and that she would do it again and a gain, and that it sucked that I would always be some kind of emotional Caretaker in the background because of our kids, and that it was good for whoever else, because the responsibility lay with me. That's all she's going to get out of me. No response from me when she said I was "more interested in painting the house" than her. This isn't 90210 or Melrose Place, it's real freaking life.

Her lack of boundaries leads to the lack of morals which is just absolutely disgusting. I pity her.

That is an interesting view... .care to expand upon that? I think I know what you mean... .never thought of it from that angle.

I have as much anger towards myself for allowing this to happen.  I think I will forgive myself soon enough  

That's where most of us need to go.

[BPSurvivor7588]

BPsurvivor7588

I think your forgiveness letter is amazing. Its real, its raw and its full of emotion.

The sad thing is if id sent that to my exBPDgf she wouldnt even feel the blame or anger or frustration.

She wouldnt feel the emotion in those words.

She wouldnt understand it at all!

Its like banging your head against a brick wall!

Hope things are getting better for you.

My therapist had me write it in hopes that I would fully grasp what you just said. When she told me to write it, she said to write it knowing full well that he would never actually read it. When I turned it in to her she asked me what his reaction would be if he did. That's when it all clicked. There is no maybe. There is no someday. He is empty, and will remain so. I don't wonder what he is thinking or what he is doing. I know that I cant spend the time, energy or emotion because there is no return.

[Trick1004]

BP,

I wrote a letter to my ex in my journal about three weeks after the bu that is very similar to yours. It really helped me see the person I had been dealing with the past three years and how she was sucking the life out of me.

I just re-read that letter six months later, yup everything I wrote still stands and I want nothing to do with her in the future.

Here's the last line of my letter:

Have fun, and just know that I will relish knowing the pathetic life you couldn’t give up and I am certain you are returning to.

Thanks for sharing,

Trick