Should you leave your BPD? Thoughts from someone who did.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

yes thank you   and I did!

finally,  - glad you found this place, finally! 

Be sure to make an intro post of your story on L1.

[finally]

yes thank you   and I did!

finally,  - glad you found this place, finally! 

Be sure to make an intro post of your story on L1.

[Fathom]

one thing is for sure... I love him but I love me more!

Hi Finally! I'm glad to see you posting. And about that... .That statement is the best I have heard in a long while! 

[innerspirit]

one thing is for sure... I love him but I love me more!

Hi Finally! I'm glad to see you posting. And about that... .That statement is the best I have heard in a long while!  

Here too.

Not just a cliche, loving someone and living with them are two very different things.  I wouldn't have believed it, but it sure was a whole lot more intense than not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.  (Uh -- unless I was the one who forgot to do it.)

[briefcase]

Great post, Canadaguy98!  It's also good to hear that you've got your life back on track.

I guess I qualify as a guy who pretty much followed this format too, but without really expressing it as clearly as you did here!  So far, I have stayed in the marriage though.  I regained control over my life and ulitmately learned what my boundaries were in the relationship.  Just doing those things improved the relationship to the point where it is now more enjoyable than not.  I still think a better relationship is possible with someones else, but I also have three kids and have been married for 16 years now.  It's an ongoing process and I constantly take a fresh look at whether this is what I want--but it's firmly my decision to stay or go now.

Thanks!

[innerspirit]

I guess I qualify as a guy who pretty much followed this format too, but without really expressing it as clearly as you did here!  So far, I have stayed in the marriage though.  I regained control over my life and ulitmately learned what my boundaries were in the relationship.  Just doing those things improved the relationship to the point where it is now more enjoyable than not.  I still think a better relationship is possible with someones else, but I also have three kids and have been married for 16 years now.  It's an ongoing process and I constantly take a fresh look at whether this is what I want--but it's firmly my decision to stay or go now.

Thanks!

Thanks Briefcase, for sharing your example of regained control, better defined boundaries, ongoing process and fresh perspective.

Which, beyond the stay/leave decision, is really about a healthy life, isn't it.

[computerology]

Hello all.  I am the original poster of this topic, i lost that email account and havent been around here for a very long time.  In looking for my old account name i found this thread, and it was so good that i figured i would bump it.  It really is good advice for those considering staying or leaving a BPD partner.

I stumbled back upon this site when looking for info on escaping maternal narcissm and going no contact - and realized that my narcissitic mother is what caused me to be vulnerable to falling in love with, and hanging on to, a BPD partner.  Ive made a post in L6.

I truly feel for those in the throes of dealing with whether to stay with or leave a BPD partner.  I took a lot of care in writing this original post.  I do hope it helps some of you just arriving to sort out your situations and make your decision.  It can be heart wrenching.  Hopefully my old post helps you find abbit of clarity in your day to day struggle to find inner peace. 

I cant stress enough, the vacation from the BPD partner to sort your head out.  Camping, fishing, anywhere where you cant be expected to be reachable by cell phone.  Sometimes in the daily cut and thrust you really do sort of lose your mind, and getting away for 4-5 days can help you make sense of things where you cant when your fearing the next episode, blowout, or explosion.

[diega]

One thing I'd add is while considering what course to take, please know that years can go by.  I waited and waited for a miracle. ... . Chances are you've already experienced a number of things that could otherwise be considered "deal-breakers."

So true.  You live from one crisis to the next, and by the time you are just getting used to things being normal for a few days and basking in the oasis, the next crisis comes along.

I always had had a rule for myself - a girl breaks up with me in a fight and thats it for me, I'm done.  My own sense of values is that if someone is going to pull out the nuclear option in a fight once, they will again - and that in a real relationship that's worth fighting for that option should never be on the table.

Well my BPD had me in such a FOG that she had threatened to leave me and walk out at least five times.  I wrote out a contract of things that I WOULD DO so that SHE WOULDNT THREATEN THAT anymore.  In hindsight, it was nonsense.  Why should I be itemizing a list of things that I wont do anymore so she wont threaten to leave me anymore?  In the end, she would nitpick on that list so horribly and (as we all know) conveniently forget things I had done or not done so she could show me that I failed to live up to my obligations.  Instead of threatening to leave she was threatening not to accept or remember my actions.  It just transferred the problem somewhere else.

Months went by (and for some of you I know it's years) and those months were totally wasted.  Giving 110% of my energy to try to keep the peace, keep some normalcy for a while.  In the end, I was more concerned about losing her furniture than losing her.  The tranquility after she was gone was deafening.   The freedom to just do whatever I wanted felt weird.

That relationship taught me some really significant lessons.  Never again will I let a significant other tell me what I can and cant do.  Never again will I allow my own identity or sense of self to be dominated by someone else.  If someone is treating me badly, I'll tell them to stop and if they dont I'll just leave, or hang up the phone, after telling them why I'm about to hang up.  If someone crosses one of my boundaries, I'm going to tell them exactly what they've done and rectify the situation immediately.  In summary; never again will I find myself dragged well out of my comfort zone negotiating over my own boundaries.

I had some issues with that before in previous relationships before the BPD.  Of course normal women never really took the ball and ran with it like the BPD did, although from time to time it was a problem. 

My current girlfriend sometimes tests my boundaries, or pulls "trips" on me.  I just say to her now (something that I never really would have done before the BPD), "Listen, you are treating me really badly and I dont deserve it.  I love you but I'm not going to sit around and be berated.  Do you want me to leave?  If not then maybe lets have a constructive conversation.  I hear that you are upset and I want to know your viewpoint but coming at me like this is not constructive."

If she keeps it up, I do leave.  I just say, "Well I guess we can talk about this tomorrow then when you're not so grouchy."   If not, then we either change the topic or the tone of the conversation. 

Sometimes people want to just run roughshod over you in a relationship, regardless of the state of their mental health.  They learn it from dysfunctional idiosyncrasies in their parents relationships.  I have had girlfriends who's mothers lorded over and dominated their fathers and/or stepfathers, so naturally the girlfriend feels that once she's in a stable permanent relationship, she should be doing the same.  I dont like being lorded over.  Period.  Adapt or its over.

[/quote

that must have been some furniture!

[myself]

Compassionately eliminating pain and problems = 

[maria1]

Love this post- thank you Canada guy/computerology

I love the way it applies to staying or leaving. A good friend of mine years ago said, when working out where you are in a relationship, just think, does he make you happy more or less than 50% of the time? Applies to all relationships, BPD or not!

You didn't mention whether you wee in love with your ex; just that you'd miss the furniture and the great stuff she offered you!

[Vanityvanity]

I haven't seen him for 16 days - tried to do No Contact. He contacted me a couple of times in odd ways - ie, wrong number, text to ask if I sent him a text. I was OK for a while but yesterday I just crumbled - absolutely went to pieces.

The thing is, I am autistic, and very alone - a couple of friends I see once in a while, no family - I mean that literally. I had got used to living alone, over the decades, but I never enjoyed it. Now after the drama of the separation, I can see the road ahead and it makes me feel so lonely. I find it very hard to speak to people, let alone make relationships. It was hard with him, but it'd be harder alone (I know that isn't a good reason to make contact).

Also, while I knew he had some vague diagnosis of personality disorder, we never talked about it and I didn't investigate it till we broke up. Now I find it answers most of my questions about him. There are a a lot of forums where PD people are describes as satan incarnate - I took comfort there for a while - but I think the stance here is better.

When I read about BPD symptoms - the unstable emotions, the terror of being abandoned, the black-and-white thinking - I could be reading about autism. Indeed, for many years, before I even really knew about autism, let alone had a diagnosis, I used to say I feared people because I was terrified of being overwhelmed or abandoned. So I think that he and I are very similar in that respect.

But does that mean we could learn to live together, or does that mean we'd just hurt each other over and over again?

I want him back but I don't know if I can do it. I have to accept the bad-tempered, not-listening thing may be his default state. I have to accept he'll march out of here and say it's over. I have to accept that his emotions are forever strung out, at fever pitch, and my own are the same because of autism.

Yet what else? Learning to live a dry, lonely life again, with books and cats? Or maybe hooking up with someone else who had a PD, or autism - both things the person cannot help, both of which are difficult.

I read something in the Guardian on Saturday - about how there's all this torrent of good advice on the net and in books, but sometimes the best thing to do is do nothing. Keep a watching brief. When I am calmer (and being here helps) I can do that.

Sometimes I also think of what is called, in the autism community, "sperging out" - simply being who the hell you are and damn the trying-to-be-normal, trying-to-be-nice. It's such a colossal strain, you know, tring to act non-autistic, having to make eye contact and speak to people and pretend you're relaxed and happy with people to avoid hurting their feelings, when all you want to do is go  home and go on the net - just "being normal" is exhausting.

Just some thoughts, anyway... .

[ugghh]

Canada guy/computerology

Thank you for the bump of this old post.  This past Wednesday before Thanksgiving my uBPDw again kicked me out of the bedroom and pulled out the I want a divorce, set me free card.  After 2 years of therapy for me, I decided that was the last time.  I didn't know what it was called, but I do now - I hit the tipping point.

Like many others, it wasn't a bang but just something inside of me that clicked and said enough is enough.  She flew through major dysregulation for a couple days, alternating between demanding that I help her fill out the divorce paperwork so she could turn it in to her lawyer to begging me not leave and to go back to marital counseling.

She keeps imploring me to go back to a different marital counselor since she cut off the one we we were going to a year ago.  She said she wanted to go to one who would immediately focus on dealing with feelings and emotions, and not let us get distracted by arguments about the kids or dishes like the last one.  I started to waver until I talked to my therapist and he bluntly said, so she wants to go to counseling but only under the conditions she sets - hmmm sounds like manipulation.

I have been sleeping on the couch ever since.  Today I took a day off work to fix up some stuff around the house and I had more energy than I have had in years.  I realized just how much I missed the peace and quiet of being by myself with my own thoughts.

[Bulgakov]

I really appreciate this thread. I'm in the process of detaching. Like some of the other posters above, I don't think I can just up and leave right away, although I want to. I might be in luck as she wants to move out of the state. She might even do it before the lease is up. She says she wants to make the best of things until her departure, but she obviously goes back and forth on that. I try not to think about the previous 6 years as I look forward to what is hopefully less than 9 months from now. Then, I shall travel without a concern for what she thinks I'm up to. Right now, as long as I am with her, I can't travel far enough away to feel comfortable and at peace.

[hithere]

Good thread!

I left my BPD almost 2 years ago and am currently married to a wonderful woman! I don't visit the forums anymore but dropped in because of the support request.  Here are my thoughts.

- She is sick with this BPD, is it right to leave her because of this disorder?

I found that living with a person with BPD was very damaging to myself, I was stressed all the time, overweight and unhealthy mentally and physically.  Living in fear of the next blow-up while hoping for things to change was the most insane thing.  I know she was sick and I know it was hard for her but I still feel if a BPD wants to change they can participate in the processes.  She was never willing to take real steps to help herself and all I had to look forward to was a life of misery.  I could not sacrifice my happiness forever for someone that could not give me barely anything in return.

- Maybe I can help her get better, if I am patient?

That is the dream that each of us nons have and we tell ourselves this to make it through each day... .but the reality seems to be that very few BPD's get better and the price you have to pay to 'be patient' is enormous. I think you have a better chance of hitting the lottery numbers for millions.

- Inside she is a really good person, I remember from when our relationship first started, maybe with time I can help her find that person again?

I won't say whether BPD's are not good people or not but the person you saw at the beginning of the relationship was a glimpse of yourself, so you probably are a good person.

- Things are really awful sometimes but sometimes things are really good, should I leave just because she can't control her temper?

I told myself this as well... .but the truth is that the destruction that a BPD spreads throughout her friends and family is much worse that simply losing her temper. And the really good times, I found were much more fleeting and far between as the relationship went on (I was with her for 4.5 years). Plus in retrospect I wonder how good the good times really were, they were much better than the bad times but it is all relative.

- She is very demanding but she is actually making me into a better person, is this really such a bad thing?

If left unchecked a BPD will destroy everything you like or love about yourself.  For me BPD was like a black cloud eating away at you from the inside, it destroys your self esteem, your health and makes you feel scared, angry and depressed.

[Cipher13]

This is one of the best threads I have seen in a while. Maybe the best for me personally.

Quote

- She is very demanding but she is actually making me into a better person, is this really such a bad thing?

If left unchecked a BPD will destroy everything you like or love about yourself.  For me BPD was like a black cloud eating away at you from the inside, it destroys your self esteem, your health and makes you feel scared, angry and depressed.

If I had know about BPD within the first 10 years of my realtionship I just wonder where I would be and if I would have my family and frineds. They will destroy everything. Its not imediate. Slow enough and convinsingly enough throughout that time that you won't truly know until its too late.  Example for me. I had a great realtionship with my family. I had a small set of good friends. 12 years later... .I have not talked to any friends since my wedding day. I have not been able to see my family in 7 years. I missed my brothers wedding and I have a niece an nephew I have never seen before yet live 4 hours away and I am told they ask about me when they see my picture at my parents. I still have secret email contacts with them while I am at work. It is not good enough but its better than nothing.

[ugghh]

Update.  2 days ago I posted about how peaceful my day alone was.  Yesterday I saw my therapist in the afternoon and had an awesome session.  I also realized that over the last couple of years that in about 95% of our sessions I would come in shaking my head and and relating the latest chaos that my uBPDw had brought to my family.

Yesterday evening uBPDw and I jointly attended a wake for an acquaintance and then went to dinner together.  She clearly was attempting to begin yet another recycle.  As we sat in the restaurant I realized that I am done.  Within an hour we were having the conversation that I never was able to find the strength to have - where I told her that I found the situation to be hopeless and yes I suppose that I did feel divorce was the best option.  She summarily demanded that I pack a bag and leave the house - which I had already done.

After a few more horrific texts and emails last evening, she was in prime rage this morning, starting off by telling my D20 that she would not pay her tuition, followed up by locking me out of the family bank account, albeit unintentionally.  A few more demanding, accusing emails and texts later, I made it through the day.  The evening concluded with an email from the stbX stating that she had reviewed her old emails and indeed confirmed that I never loved her.  She also stated that she that she wished me well in the future but hoped that would understand what love is before I "take another innocent life."

Then she apologized for not leaving me years ago when I showed my faults, intimated that I am secretly homosexual and closed with a jab that I am a bad lover.  Then she went on again to wish me peace and tell me she thinks that this will be the best thing that happens to both of us.

Yep, I did the right thing.

[popeye6031]

Update.  2 days ago I posted about how peaceful my day alone was.  Yesterday I saw my therapist in the afternoon and had an awesome session.  I also realized that over the last couple of years that in about 95% of our sessions I would come in shaking my head and and relating the latest chaos that my uBPDw had brought to my family.

Yesterday evening uBPDw and I jointly attended a wake for an acquaintance and then went to dinner together.  She clearly was attempting to begin yet another recycle.  As we sat in the restaurant I realized that I am done.  Within an hour we were having the conversation that I never was able to find the strength to have - where I told her that I found the situation to be hopeless and yes I suppose that I did feel divorce was the best option.  She summarily demanded that I pack a bag and leave the house - which I had already done.

After a few more horrific texts and emails last evening, she was in prime rage this morning, starting off by telling my D20 that she would not pay her tuition, followed up by locking me out of the family bank account, albeit unintentionally.  A few more demanding, accusing emails and texts later, I made it through the day.  The evening concluded with an email from the stbX stating that she had reviewed her old emails and indeed confirmed that I never loved her.  She also stated that she that she wished me well in the future but hoped that would understand what love is before I "take another innocent life."

Then she apologized for not leaving me years ago when I showed my faults, intimated that I am secretly homosexual and closed with a jab that I am a bad lover.  Then she went on again to wish me peace and tell me she thinks that this will be the best thing that happens to both of us.

Yep, I did the right thing.

Well done for having the strength to do this.

I might well be having one of these conversations soon myself