Divorced from uBPDxh two months ago and he is engaged.

[love4meNOTu]

Just needed to talk to people who would understand.

My ex husband, we've been divorced for two months now, separated for six. He just announced to all that he is engaged to another and has moved in with her.

None of my friends or family want anything to do with him because of the emotional and verbal abuse nightmare he subjected me to, and yet none of them are surprised that another victim has signed up to be his punching bag.

Am I surprised? Yes and no. I was the only woman out of countless women in eight years since his last divorce who was stupid enough to marry him. When I called it quits and threw him out, I hoped he would eventually come to some sort of realization of how he hurt me and the kids, get some help and get better. That didn't happen, and it never will. I've finally reached acceptance.

How do I feel about her? I can't imagine any woman would be ok becoming engaged to a man who has been married three times and divorced for two months. We know here on this board, the neediness, the clingyness, the suspicion and threats. Once we married, it escalated to an unbelieveable level.

She has no idea what she's in for. In this case, I can't help but feel sorry for her. God bless her, she's gonna need all the help she can get. Wife number four.

He's a nightmare. And I no longer love him in any way, shape or form. I don't even hate him. I feel nothing.

[RecycledNoMore]

Its your time to shine now love, Ive often had those same thoughts about my exs new " love" , she dosent know what shes in for... .

Take care love.

[love4meNOTu]

Its your time to shine now love, Ive often had those same thoughts about my exs new " love" , she dosent know what shes in for... .

Take care love.

Thank you. Your post brought me to tears. I will shine. I will be ok. I will love again.

[Octoberfest]

Hi love4menotu,



When my BPDex supposedly got engaged to the guy she was cheating on me with (the instance that caused me to finally leave her) 3 months after knowing him, I nearly lost my mind, even though it was ME who had walked away.  My BPDex has been married once before and engaged a few other times all at the ripe old age of 22.  It shouldn't have come as a surprise, but it sure did.  The truth? All fabrication, she was never engaged to him.  Now she IS engaged, so a greasy, fat, bar trash mall store manager that I have referenced in a few other threads.  Will it last and go through? Who knows.  Funnily enough, on his facebook page it is public that they are engaged, meaning you can see it without being friends with her.  On hers? Hidden, even if you are friends with her.  It was the same way when we were in a relationship, and it is that way because she has a habit of being involved with several people at once.

I guess the only consolation here, which you have mentioned, is that the next person is not going to be able to fix them, nor the person after that.  It isn't a failure on our part as non's that our BPDex's did the things they did and destroyed our relationship. It can seem like the furthest thing from at times, but given the situations we found ourselves in, it is a blessing to be free of our BPDex's.  We have a chance to rebuild and have healthy, happy lives.  They do not have that opportunity.

I understand being bothered by the face that your BPDex is engaged to be married already, even when you are adamant you don't want them back.  If nothing else it speaks to their lack of remorse and or greif at the loss of the relationship.  It seemingly cheapens the experience and the hard work that you put into making it work.

L4m, please disregard my input if you would like.  I have never been married, and I count my lucky stars I got out of my relationship with my BPDex without any children or marriage or legal obligations.  Knowing the pain that I experienced in only 9 months, I can't imagine the pain that some of the members here have experienced for YEARS of marriage.  I am sorry that you experienced the pain that you have. I know that I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But as rNOm said, it is your time now 

[peas]

We know here on this board, the neediness, the clingyness, the suspicion and threats. Once we married, it escalated to an unbelieveable level.

Thank you for the dose of reality. I needed to read that. My ex uBPDbf wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry him, but we ended seven months into our relationship and never even reached an engagement. All I ever thought about during the relationship and after the breakup was that marriage would solve his insecurities. I really believed once he "had me" officially he'd understand that I was committed to only him, wasn't going anywhere, and he could relax (I must admit, the same could be said of me: I was looking for someone to commit to me and I could rely on for companionship). Looks like marriage, as in your case, can make BPD or other neuroses worse.

[BuildingFromScratch]

My ex stopped loving me because "sorry, this is what always happens, I just can't get it back". So I cried for 6 months and then ended it with her. She proceeded to stay living with me and my parents for 2 years even thought I told her to leave a million times (I know now it was because she had to find another person to suck the soul out of, since her soul was nearly empty without anyone else). She went to bars, and interest groups and found some poor sucker. Ran off with him and got married not 6 months after moving out.

[ShadowDancer]

I went through the whole gamut of processes as well. Like superman with the speed of light (weeks) BOOM she was in a new relationship and living with the guy and had assumed a whole new "biker" persona. I was devastated. (As Neil Young sings "Unknown Legend" in the background  )

As I slowly got better and quit crying in my beer a few truths dawned on me. First, was he a "better" man than me? Well it took her 12 months to weasel her freeloader self into my home and she was out within six months at my demand. He may very well be the "better" man I suppose but he sure is not as sensible with the "launch".

She has been married 3 times and has lived with only who knows how many other men. I counted 6. So that makes playing house with at least 9 known to me. Her new guy is 10 years her senior and married 4 times and who knows how many he has played house with. I have been married once and have lived with 3 when I was much younger. All parted ways as friends without acrimony except in this case. She robbed my house.

The hard truth is same attracts same. Water does indeed find its own level. But... .that's all under the bridge now. I won't be taking another bath with that one. I get to be a "better" man. At least "better" than then.

[Octoberfest]

I went through the whole gamut of processes as well. Like superman with the speed of light (weeks) BOOM she was in a new relationship and living with the guy and had assumed a whole new "biker" persona. I was devastated. (As Neil Young sings "Unknown Legend" in the background  )

As I slowly got better and quit crying in my beer a few truths dawned on me. First, was he a "better" man than me? Well it took her 12 months to weasel her freeloader self into my home and she was out within six months at my demand. He may very well be the "better" man I suppose but he sure is not as sensible with the "launch".

She has been married 3 times and has lived with only who knows how many other men. I counted 6. So that makes playing house with at least 9 known to me. Her new guy is 10 years her senior and married 4 times and who knows how many he has played house with. I have been married once and have lived with 3 when I was much younger. All parted ways as friends without acrimony except in this case. She robbed my house.

The hard truth is same attracts same. Water does indeed find its own level. But... .that's all under the bridge now. I won't be taking another bath with that one. I get to be a "better" man. At least "better" than then.

I've noticed that it has only been after I've stepped off the crazy train that I have even began to appreciate just how unbelievable, absurd, sad, out of control, and bathit crazy my BPDex and her life are.

[ShadowDancer]

Octoberfest,

Your statement brings to mind the Hunter Thompson quote from his book Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. "We can't stop here... .this is bat country".

[love4meNOTu]

I went through the whole gamut of processes as well. Like superman with the speed of light (weeks) BOOM she was in a new relationship and living with the guy and had assumed a whole new "biker" persona. I was devastated. (As Neil Young sings "Unknown Legend" in the background  )

As I slowly got better and quit crying in my beer a few truths dawned on me. First, was he a "better" man than me? Well it took her 12 months to weasel her freeloader self into my home and she was out within six months at my demand. He may very well be the "better" man I suppose but he sure is not as sensible with the "launch".

She has been married 3 times and has lived with only who knows how many other men. I counted 6. So that makes playing house with at least 9 known to me. Her new guy is 10 years her senior and married 4 times and who knows how many he has played house with. I have been married once and have lived with 3 when I was much younger. All parted ways as friends without acrimony except in this case. She robbed my house.

The hard truth is same attracts same. Water does indeed find its own level. But... .that's all under the bridge now. I won't be taking another bath with that one. I get to be a "better" man. At least "better" than then.

Oh my shadowdancer. Your relationship ended as fast as my marriage did.

My x had been married twice before, told me they both had cheated on him. I was wife number 3, and he spied on me every single day. Broke into my facebook, linkedin, aol accounts... .trying to find EVIDENCE that I was also cheating on him. From the day I met him I never even looked at another man. So it had me completely confused as to where it was coming from, I mean we all have baggage, but geeze, if you had such doubts about me dude, why did you marry me?

Well his wife number four is in for it. God help her. As soon as she marries him, she is in for it.

The truth is, he was digging for info on me because he could sense me pulling away. I felt that he had serious issues, and I was thinking I should not have married him so quickly. I was afraid that he would have an affect on my children and I just could not let that happen.

So it had to end, the terrifying way he escalated at the end still makes me shake in terror. But he complied with the dissolution very easily, he completely caved. I didn't give him anything. We just walked away from each other. Now I know why he caved, he had another set up and since that is the only way he knows how to cope with pain and disappointments in life, it is what he did.

Good god, I hope someday I can get over this and quit ruminating about what I might have done wrong. Like his anger and childishness is my fault. It's not. Part of me hopes that he gets what is coming to him in this life, but I think that retribution will never come for me. And I know thoughts of revenge only hurt me, and will continue to hurt me.

Letting go is a process, I'm trying to do so every single frickin day.

[Octoberfest]

We know here on this board, the neediness, the clingyness, the suspicion and threats. Once we married, it escalated to an unbelieveable level.

Thank you for the dose of reality. I needed to read that. My ex uBPDbf wanted to marry me and I wanted to marry him, but we ended seven months into our relationship and never even reached an engagement. All I ever thought about during the relationship and after the breakup was that marriage would solve his insecurities. I really believed once he "had me" officially he'd understand that I was committed to only him, wasn't going anywhere, and he could relax (I must admit, the same could be said of me: I was looking for someone to commit to me and I could rely on for companionship). Looks like marriage, as in your case, can make BPD or other neuroses worse.

I must say, my BPDex seems to operate much the same way.  At 22 she has been married once, and engaged a few other times.  Now currently engaged to a guy she has known for 4 months. It truly seems to me that she thinks her life is going to be all better once she is married to someone.

I was passed a pretty funny story a few weeks ago.  A few weeks before that, my BPDex went on a vacation to Ireland, but before she did she gave her old iPhone to her best friend (who was around all 9 months we dated as a room mate, so I know her).  My BPDex got a new iPhone, but being she was in Ireland she didn't want to use it to text or call back to the States.  Apparently there is some feature on apple devices called "iMessage" or something that is different from normal SMS texting and is linked through all of your apple devices through your apple account.  Well, my BPDex's apple account was still active on the old iPhone that she gave to the best friend, so the best friend saw all of the messages she was sending to people while she was over in Ireland.  What did she find?  My BPDex was sending the EXACT SAME long, romantic, gushing messages along the lines of "I am so happy to be with you, you are my soulmate, you came into my life and I am so blessed, etc" to not one, not two, but THREE different guys.  The greasy, fat loser bar trash guy she is engaged to, the actually respectable guy that she was cheating on me at the end (the instance of cheating that finally made me walk away), and some 3rd guy who is near 30 and has a kid ( and may be married).  The best friend saw this, showed it to the other best friend of my BPDex (the one who is a lesbian, who my BPDex was cheating on me with also during our relationship, and with whom she got a matching tattoo because they were going to be best friends forever), and both unanimously agreed my BPDex was insane and dropped their friendship and all communication with her because, "she lies to people and she really hurts people". 

I don't think my BPDex is ever going to be able to fill the void.  But she is sure gonna try with another/more marriages, because God knows she isn't the problem.

[love4meNOTu]

Does it make sense to me now? That my uBPDxh never loved me?

Why do I still struggle with this. But let's think about this... .if he loved me so much, and said I was the love of his life, and married me six months after we met (He'd been divorced for 8 years, just like me)... .

Did he feel pain? Did he have to fill the hole inside himself immediately with someone else?

Why do I FEEL THIS IS SO COMPLETELY UNFAIR. I hurt every single day, and he gets of scott free?

Struggling, really struggling today.

help me please to understand

[ShadowDancer]

Does it make sense to me now? That my uBPDxh never loved me?

Why do I still struggle with this. But let's think about this... .if he loved me so much, and said I was the love of his life, and married me six months after we met (He'd been divorced for 8 years, just like me)... .

Did he feel pain? Did he have to fill the hole inside himself immediately with someone else?

Why do I FEEL THIS IS SO COMPLETELY UNFAIR. I hurt every single day, and he gets of scott free?

Struggling, really struggling today.

help me please to understand

Dear one take heart. The "feeling" that he gets off "Scott Free" is a common myth. He has been this way long before you met him and will be long after you are gone. Personality Disorders are a curse that just keeps on giving... .and taking.

One very simple concept has helped my along the road of loving myself in spite of my "mistakes", which is, "For the grace of God there go I'. Be blessed in your pain for it is REAL.

There is a little book called the Velveteen Rabbit... .

"Real is not how you are made said the Skin Horse, it is a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, you then become REAL".

":)oes it hurt said the Rabbit"?

"Sometimes said the Horse for he was always truthful. When you are real you don't mind being hurt".

"It doesn't happen all at once said the Skin Horse. You become. It takes a long long time. That's why it does not often happen to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But those things don't matter at all, for once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand".

Very sweet and oh so very true.  

[Bananas]

There is a little book called the Velveteen Rabbit... .

"Real is not how you are made said the Skin Horse, it is a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, you then become REAL".

":)oes it hurt said the Rabbit"?

"Sometimes said the Horse for he was always truthful. When you are real you don't mind being hurt".

"It doesn't happen all at once said the Skin Horse. You become. It takes a long long time. That's why it does not often happen to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But those things don't matter at all, for once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand".

Very sweet and oh so very true.  

Thank you for posting that SD, that was my favorite book as a child.  I made my Mom read it to me over and over.  I didn't relate it to my situation until now. 

love4me,

my ex was married just three months after we broke up.  i know how you feel and i am so sorry.  i know it doesn't feel that way right now, but we are so much better off being able to feel our pain and move through it instead of burying it.  can you imagine walking around with all that stuff?  all that stuff that they will take into the next relationship, and the one after, and the one after... .

 you are in my thoughts

[suffering_parent]

Not even divorced yet from my wife and I heard she is engaged.    Been apart for only 4 months.   I just filed the divorce last week and haven't served her yet.

She told me before I went NC that the marriage wouldn't last and she planned on being married 10 more times because she enjoyed being married.

It blows my mind she wants ruin so many peoples lives!

[Octoberfest]

There is a little book called the Velveteen Rabbit... .

"Real is not how you are made said the Skin Horse, it is a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, you then become REAL".

":)oes it hurt said the Rabbit"?

"Sometimes said the Horse for he was always truthful. When you are real you don't mind being hurt".

"It doesn't happen all at once said the Skin Horse. You become. It takes a long long time. That's why it does not often happen to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But those things don't matter at all, for once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand".

Very sweet and oh so very true.  

Thank you for posting that SD, that was my favorite book as a child.  I made my Mom read it to me over and over.  I didn't relate it to my situation until now. 

love4me,

my ex was married just three months after we broke up.  i know how you feel and i am so sorry.  i know it doesn't feel that way right now, but we are so much better off being able to feel our pain and move through it instead of burying it.  can you imagine walking around with all that stuff?  all that stuff that they will take into the next relationship, and the one after, and the one after... .

 you are in my thoughts

You are an incredibly strong person bananas.  I am sorry you had to deal with your ex being married so soon after... .I think no matter how far you are in your healing, something like that happening that soon is sure to be difficult for anyone.  Also, +1000 to the bolded comment.  It is so very true.  It seems like hell.  It has certainly been the realest hell I have yet to experience. But we can FEEL.  We can actually FEEL things, which is a gift. 

In my first session, after I got done telling most of the story, my T told me something remarkably wise and accurate.  She said, "It may not seem like it now, but this is probably the best thing that has ever happened to you."  I still struggle some days with that notion, but by and large it is true. 

[Clearmind]

How do I feel about her? I can't imagine any woman would be ok becoming engaged to a man who has been married three times and divorced for two months. We know here on this board, the neediness, the clingyness, the suspicion and threats. Once we married, it escalated to an unbelieveable level.

Yes and it shows this women has some learning in her future - some learning about herself.

[love4meNOTu]

I can't thank you all enough. I've been in horrendous pain... .and the worst part? I'm doing it to myself.

ShadowDancer - a beautiful allegory that I will remember, I thank you. That story always made me cry as a child, it has a new meaning now.


Bananas... .three months after? You know exactly what I am feeling. Torn between horrified and shocked... .feeling sorry for new victim.

Octoberfest - your insights keep bringing me peace.

Suffering Parent - I've only been apart from mine for six. But four months? That's a whole new level of callousness.

Clearmind - Yes, I do feel for her on some level, I do. If she ever contacts me I will try to help her.

Please tell me from those who know, will they do the same... really do the same to their new partners?

It wasn't just me?

[Clearmind]

Bpd is a pattern of relating.

You seem to blame yourself for his behaviour towards you. Have you dug down into the reasons for this?

[ShadowDancer]

No it was not you entirely. Much of it was the script. Their script. The play? It's called "MiMi and it's all about MeMe". You were the co-star in the supporting role of enabler. Your understudy is now wearing the costume you once wore.

As to your comment you will "help" her when she appears, and she surly will, I caution you, she must learn to help herself as must you, or all is lost.

A good Captain would never risk the entire crew by turning broadside into the teeth of a storm to save one mate who has willingly jumped overboard into the night... .EVER!,... .irregardless of the heavy heart and the pitiful cries in the dark.

[Bananas]

You are an incredibly strong person bananas.  I am sorry you had to deal with your ex being married so soon after... .I think no matter how far you are in your healing, something like that happening that soon is sure to be difficult for anyone.  Also, +1000 to the bolded comment.  It is so very true.  It seems like hell.  It has certainly been the realest hell I have yet to experience. But we can FEEL.  We can actually FEEL things, which is a gift. 

Thanks Octoberfest.  I needed to hear that, sometimes I still feel weak! 

Bananas... .three months after? You know exactly what I am feeling. Torn between horrified and shocked... .feeling sorry for new victim.

Please tell me from those who know, will they do the same... really do the same to their new partners?

It wasn't just me?

Yes.  I pretty much just felt like the walking dead in the beginning.  It wasn't just you.  Please don't ignore his behavior and don't ignore your feelings.  You know something is off.  But I know how you feel.  I like to ask myself, because I still have those nagging feelings from time to time, "Bananas, how much proof do you need?"  when just today a new coworker told me she was warned to stay away from him, "that he is not right in the head". 

[blurry]

 My wifes BPD didn't get worse after marriage, it stayed exactly the same, all patterns, behavior, ect. I kinda thought being married would somehow make her think for a minute before leaving, buy me some time to correct my own reactions to her inconsiderate, disrespectful, selfish behavior, and somehow figured it would start getting easier and last longer between her bouts of depression or cold spells. Guess i thought marriage would somehow help fix things. Well, I was wrong as wrong could be.