I can't sleep

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm in my first week after finally moving out after eight years of having left and come back to her nearly 30 times, with 3 of those for over two weeks.    Police called on me 9 times, but no arrests as I did absolutely nothing.  Most of those came back with a suicide alert bringing me back pronto.   

It was only two weeks ago we were planning a party at our new home and now I'm displaced in a tiny apartment on an air mattress in a sleeping bag.  Meanwhile, she's on Match.com just a few days afterward.  It's just seems so unfair.  I want to make her life as big of a hell as mine!   I despise her.   And I want her to pay attention to me.  I know its good that she isn't because while she's preoccupied wholly with the soon to be sex talking with these men, she'll leave me alone.  How long does it seem to take to stop feeling I need attention from here when its really over and you've done everything to prevent communication?

I want to preoccupy myself with dating too.   It would distract the pain and loneliness that overwhelms me.  But I can't go down that path.  That would be so personally destructive and not good for any new partner.   So not a good idea there either.   

Im signing up for meetups and just getting out.   And working.   It helps.  But when I come home, it all crashes on me and makes it hard to get to sleep.  I've tried counting, nature sounds, and falling asleep to the TV.  Nothing gets me to sleep quickly.  But finally I do.  This is in contrast to before when I could easily get to sleep in 15 minutes when I first feel sleepy. Then bam, maybe 90 minutes or two hours later, I wake up.  But unlike before when I might wake up, go to the bathroom, and then go right back to sleep, I WAKE up.   Right now I'm at one of those times.   It will take another hour before I can sleep again only to repeat the cycle at least 2 or 3 times more reducing the quality and quantity of sleep.  This sucks because it impacts the entire day, so that not only am I less productive, I don't feel great during the day.  It's like the entire day is shrouded in the fog.  I'm exhausted!

During the acute phase, what kinds of things do you think I can do about the desire to go back (this is NOT going to happen), about the loneliness, the hate, and the problems with sleep?  Did you have these kinds of issues as well?  Is this common?

Sleepless in KC

[TakingWingAtLast]

I'm in my first week after finally moving out after eight years of having left and come back to her nearly 30 times, with 3 of those for over two weeks.    Police called on me 9 times, but no arrests as I did absolutely nothing.  Most of those came back with a suicide alert bringing me back pronto.   

It was only two weeks ago we were planning a party at our new home and now I'm displaced in a tiny apartment on an air mattress in a sleeping bag.  Meanwhile, she's on Match.com just a few days afterward.  It's just seems so unfair.  I want to make her life as big of a hell as mine!   I despise her.   And I want her to pay attention to me.  I know its good that she isn't because while she's preoccupied wholly with the soon to be sex talking with these men, she'll leave me alone.  How long does it seem to take to stop feeling I need attention from here when its really over and you've done everything to prevent communication?

I want to preoccupy myself with dating too.   It would distract the pain and loneliness that overwhelms me.  But I can't go down that path.  That would be so personally destructive and not good for any new partner.   So not a good idea there either.   

Im signing up for meetups and just getting out.   And working.   It helps.  But when I come home, it all crashes on me and makes it hard to get to sleep.  I've tried counting, nature sounds, and falling asleep to the TV.  Nothing gets me to sleep quickly.  But finally I do.  This is in contrast to before when I could easily get to sleep in 15 minutes when I first feel sleepy. Then bam, maybe 90 minutes or two hours later, I wake up.  But unlike before when I might wake up, go to the bathroom, and then go right back to sleep, I WAKE up.   Right now I'm at one of those times.   It will take another hour before I can sleep again only to repeat the cycle at least 2 or 3 times more reducing the quality and quantity of sleep.  This sucks because it impacts the entire day, so that not only am I less productive, I don't feel great during the day.  It's like the entire day is shrouded in the fog.  I'm exhausted!

During the acute phase, what kinds of things do you think I can do about the desire to go back (this is NOT going to happen), about the loneliness, the hate, and the problems with sleep?  Did you have these kinds of issues as well?  Is this common?

Sleepless in KC

[Jbt857]

Hi Dpenderg,

I struggle sleeping too, even now, 8 months post b/u.

I have a free app on my phone called Headspace - it's a mediation program and there is one for sleep which I use most nights. There are other free meditation podcasts for sleep. It's the only thing that I find helps me.

I think the biggest thing that helped was acceptance that these kind of things, not sleeping etc, were bound to happen and to just let them be. It's very easy to be become over focused on them, which makes it a bigger problem.

As for the breakup, you are still really early on. Just give yourself time. You are doing the right things with Meetups and getting out, and also right not to date. It wouldn't be fair on whoever you dated.

Take a look at the workshops on here, buy books, educate yourself on BPD. I know a few here have taken to learning new languages or new skills. Plan for the future.

We all heal in our own time. If we could put a timer against it, it would sure be a lot easier!

[TakingWingAtLast]

jbt

Thanks for the note    Not looking forward to potentially months of sleeplessness.     Ill give the app a try.  Perhaps it will be better than the nature sounds app.

Ive always slept well.   Except when I acutely stressed!

Thanks!

dpenderg

[Eric1]

I struggled really badly when we first broke up. Couldn't sleep or eat & would wake during the night, then not be able to return back to sleep. It's natural, so don't think theres anything wrong with you. It's the body being in shock.

What helped me was herbal sleeping pills, not prescription, but ones you can walk in and buy. They're not the strongest, but it was more of a placebo effect.

[Pretty Woman]

Dependerg,

   Are you in therapy? After 8yrs and all those recycles you need to be.  I will tell you it helps. It helps you sleep. You have gotten so used to the push and pull and you are desiring a "pull". Your ex has you where she wants you my friend.

Everyday I am feeling better.

As my therapist says, if we were healthy we never would have been attracted to this relationship.

She is absolutely correct.  We are NOT healthy.  The only way to get through this lies inside you. Not her.

[Naddred369]

Hi Dependerg,

Ive been out of my 5 year R/S with my exBPDgf for 6 weeks ish!

The first 3 weeks I didnt sleep at all,when I did my dreams were absolutely shocking!I had to convince myself the dreams weren't real.I think it was panic attacks! Id wake at 03:30 everday.

BUT, as I had been through this before with the same woman I didnt fight it, didnt get overly stressed about lack of sleep, just tried meditating and mindfull breathing as I lay there. It didnt make me go back to sleep but it stopped the panic attacks.Try to avoid alcohol, it really ruined my sleep patterns.

Now, I sleep like a baby but wake up exhausted (sleep debt), no more bad dreams either. I just think about her non stop all day,lol.

It does get better, well, it did last time!

Here's hoping!

[TakingWingAtLast]

Dear Earth Angel,

Yes, I am in therapy and for now twice a week.   And you are quite correct that I'm desiring a pull.   I "wait" for something from her.   It is quite maddening!  And yes, she most certainly does have me where she wants me.

I had an "Aha" moment, when I realized that I wasn't far enough out with the dissolution of a 22 year marriage when I met her.  I simply wasn't ready and was most vulnerable to my exBPDgf.   How could I have been so incredibly stupid and naive?  I was told!

Thanks for the hug!   Even virtual hugs are appreciated!

Sleepless

Dependerg,

   Are you in therapy? After 8yrs and all those recycles you need to be.  I will tell you it helps. It helps you sleep. You have gotten so used to the push and pull and you are desiring a "pull". Your ex has you where she wants you my friend.

Everyday I am feeling better.

As my therapist says, if we were healthy we never would have been attracted to this relationship.

She is absolutely correct.  We are NOT healthy.  The only way to get through this lies inside you. Not her.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Naddred,

Thank you for your note.  I suspect that based upon the 90 minute pattern that I enter into a dream state and I get woken up.   Luckily, I rarely remember my dreams, and this is no exception.   

The panic attack is exactly what it feels like because I wake up quite thoroughly.   And it takes a bit to settle down.    Another user (see above) here suggested meditation app for the iPhone, and I did find that I was able to get back to sleep faster.   And that's a really really good thing! 

Thank you for your post.

Sleepless

Hi Dependerg,

Ive been out of my 5 year R/S with my exBPDgf for 6 weeks ish!

The first 3 weeks I didnt sleep at all,when I did my dreams were absolutely shocking!I had to convince myself the dreams weren't real.I think it was panic attacks! Id wake at 03:30 everday.

BUT, as I had been through this before with the same woman I didnt fight it, didnt get overly stressed about lack of sleep, just tried meditating and mindfull breathing as I lay there. It didnt make me go back to sleep but it stopped the panic attacks.Try to avoid alcohol, it really ruined my sleep patterns.

Now, I sleep like a baby but wake up exhausted (sleep debt), no more bad dreams either. I just think about her non stop all day,lol.

It does get better, well, it did last time!

Here's hoping!