Question my T asked me: What did you expect?

[oblivian2013]

I was telling my T about how she said her father drank and verbally abused her, her first husband slapped her around, her ex-boyfriends all drank and mistreated her, one punched and tried to smother her, she was raped by her gynecologist, etc. She slapped me with a PFA and 2 years no contact last August. I was surprised, as I thought I always treated her really well. Although I do drink and she hated that, the judge asked if I had ever harmed her. She said "No".

My T asked me, "Why did you think it would be different with you? What did you expect?"

I was speechless. Why did I think it would be different with me?

He said that she has always had turbulent relationships and when she found someone who treated her well and life was peaceful, she couldn't deal with it or something to that effect, as my head was swimming by that point. What do you think?

[ShadowDancer]

What we "expected" was for them to see the fact that we are righteous honorably battle scarred White Knights.

What "we" didn't realize was the fact and truth in the matter is, that was not a fine suit of tempered steel, twas only tin foil.

[Ironmanrises]

My T asked me, "Why did you think it would be different with you? What did you expect?"

I was speechless. Why did I think it would be different with me?

He said that she has always had turbulent relationships and when she found someone who treated her well and life was peaceful, she couldn't deal with it or something to that effect, as my head was swimming by that point. What do you think?

Your answer is right there. You treated her well and due to her disorder and all that it entails, your ex couldn't handle it. Fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment, the cruel bane of us nons on here. You thought it would be different with you because you thought your love for her would save her from all of that. A sign of a noble and kind heart. It was not so different with mine. I too thought I could save her with my love and all my understanding. It had no effect. She left me twice. You tried my friend. There is no winning against that. I went through 2 rounds of that. I failed miserably in that regards. Hang in there.

[DownandOut]

My T asked me a similar question, and the more I thought about it the more hurt I was. But it was good, I needed that pain to realize that it was her, not me. My T asked me why I felt that I was more special than anyone else she had dated previously. I answered honestly, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that even though I feel special in some way because of what I have to offer in terms of love and respect and loyalty, I am not the only one in the world that can offer that. I'm sure that some, if not all, of her exes had great qualities that would make them unique and special and good for her. Regardless, we all met the same fate. No one was "special" enough for her, but we were all special to her in some way. Coming to terms with the fact that I may not be any better (not saying i'm not good, just not "better" than these other guys has been one of the most difficult, yet profound things I've had to deal with through all of this.

[ShadowDancer]

My ex said during the end, "I think I told you too much". I said, "Yes you did".

This is the part that is so revealing for us. After these relationships end not only do we deal with the ghosts of our own and their decisions and actions within "THE" relationship we are the ones who end up with the comparative ghosts of "ALL" their past relationships.

This foisted knowledge is unjustified and unfair.

[mitchell16]

I thought it would be diffrent with me because mine always was able to explain away her actions from the other relationships. She had an affair on her first ex husband because he watched porn and would have sex with her. at the time I didnt think how she handle it was right but she claimed they went to therapy and she said herself she didnt handle it right. So i wrote it off as it was just a screwed up mistake. Husband number two, become an alcholic and a crack addict and cheated on her all the time so she left him. Boyfriend before me was to jealous, possessive and controlling bad temper.

of course now go to me, I wa sto jealous, controlling and possessive. Why? because When she gets drunk she want to flirt and act very inapprperiate with other men wit me sitting there. if I say anything Im to jealous, possessive and controlling.

I never thought I was diffrent but i did believe her bs of why those otehr didnt work out. Until It happened to me too.

sombody mentioned a white knight. Mine actully texted me once and asked was i her white knight. at the time I thought it was cute now it give me shivers when I think of it.

[Waifed]

My T asked me, "Why did you think it would be different with you? What did you expect?"

I was speechless. Why did I think it would be different with me?

He said that she has always had turbulent relationships and when she found someone who treated her well and life was peaceful, she couldn't deal with it or something to that effect, as my head was swimming by that point. What do you think?

Your answer is right there. You treated her well and due to her disorder and all that it entails, your ex couldn't handle it. Fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment, the cruel bane of us nons on here. You thought it would be different with you because you thought your love for her would save her from all of that. A sign of a noble and kind heart. It was not so different with mine. I too thought I could save her with my love and all my understanding. It had no effect. She left me twice. You tried my friend. There is no winning against that. I went through 2 rounds of that. I failed miserably in that regards. Hang in there.

I don't know that you failed.  You succeeded in providing her with the love that is expected in an intimate relationship.  The relationship was unfortunately doomed before you first met her because of her inability to process and properly react to the fear of abandonment and engulfment.

[Octoberfest]

"Why did you think it would be different with you?"

I thought it would be different because I had no indication that SHE was the one with the issue. I met her when she was 21... .she told me she had been engaged once and pregnant, but she caught her fiance in bed with another woman and left him and aborted the child, in addition to the fact that her fiance abused her.  She told me that she had been raped in high school.  She told me that another boyfriend had abused her and sexually abused her, burning her vagina with lit cigarettes.  More and more BF's abused her, lied to her, cheated on her, etc.  She came off to me as a complete and total victim- a sweet girl who had seen the ass end of life all along, been a magnet for really bad guys.  I was a good guy, I was going to treat her right, and we were going to be happily ever after because she was going to value me so much after the things she had been through.

It was not until 9 months later, when we split for good after many, many ,many instances of lying and cheating, that I realized the ONLY common link in my BPDex's narrative, between all of the different colleges, and states, and towns she had been in, and guys she had been with, is her.

[fromheeltoheal]

she has always had turbulent relationships

That's a trait of the disorder; had I known then what I know now.  Plus she was very good at playing 'poor me' to begin with, another trait of the disorder, and the naive Knight in me ate it all up.  As Octoberfest says, the only thing all of her relationships have in common is her; live and learn.

[GreenMango]

This is a great question.

"Why did you think it would be different with you? What did you expect?"

Oblivian what did you tell the therapist?

[RecycledNoMore]

Thats the problem, I didnt ' think' at all, I got so wrapped up in a distorted view of what I thought was " love" , I ignored my own misgivings, I enabled abuse, I justified bad behavior, all because of my own deluded thought process thats basically said " love will make it allll better"

Ugh.

[oblivian2013]

GreenMango-

I didn't tell him anything, I'm still confused.

I believed we were in love and I was treating her right.

I put her name on the deed, paid all the utilities... .

Bought her eyeglasses, shoes, etc.

She was very appreciative.

But then there were the silent treatments

when I didn't know what she was thinking

She raged at me for drinking, it was my achilles heel

I said maybe we should discuss a divorce

I knew nothing about abandonment triggers

She went on a SI, psych ward, IOP hospitalization tour for six months

She returned home and started packing her stuff

slowly, over a month. I helped her pack.

She said we had an unhealthy relationship and

She needed to learn how to use the coping skills she had learned

She said we would have no contact for a month

then we might start dating again

as long as I got treatment, which I was doing,

but it was not happening fast enough for her

She said the onus was on me

I fell into a major depression

I was taking care of her dogs for five months while she was in treatment

At last I asked her to take her dogs to her new confidential apartment

Her eyes glazed over

She continued removing everything of hers from the house

I put her stuffed animal in a box to go

It was cuddling next to my stuffed animal

I know that hurt, I seriously regret that

I played some Mavericks TexMex music

Because she is from the southwest and thought she would enjoy it

She didn't and left without saying goodbye, she was furious

Two days later she arrives with a police escort to remove the last of her stuff

I kissed her goodbye and she didn't resist with the cop watching

I thought things would still work out

But then I learned about BPD

She said she was going to return my car after she was finished moving

I asked about it three weeks later and she files a PFA against me

What the hell was I thinking? All I can think of is the sex was great

when it happened... .

It went from almost twice a day the first year

to three times in six months towards the end

and she could be the sweetest person at times

But she knew that her abandoning me was the ultimate revenge

She did it before and had it down to an art

[babyducks]

Oblivian,

I am so sorry you went through all that.   The thing with the car... .oh that's just unfreaking believable.  It never fails to amaze me how the thought/cognitive instability of a pwBPD plays out.

My T asked me, "Why did you think it would be different with you? What did you expect?"

I was speechless. Why did I think it would be different with me?

He said that she has always had turbulent relationships and when she found someone who treated her well and life was peaceful, she couldn't deal with it or something to that effect, as my head was swimming by that point. What do you think?

What I expected was that I had found a partner with enough emotional maturity and stability to work with me towards a common goal.

I thought it was going to be different with me because I seriously underestimated the seriousness of this disorder and how difficult it is to eradicate.

I thought it would be different with me because I really believed BOTH of us would be working to make things better, and the truth was only one of us was.

I understand what your T meant when he said when she found some one who treated her well she couldn't deal with that.   I suspect its very complicated and has many layers but for me, just when things got what I called quiet and peaceful, my EX found them to be empty and hollow.   Literally if things got too quiet in the house,... .my EX would need to turn on the radio or the TV and it was always to something loud and raucous.  I think my EX needed the outside world to match what was going on inside her... .so she would stir things up somehow.

That's probably over simplified but that was my experience.

babyducks

[frustrated b/f]

Because I thought I was special! Probably my own narcissistic tendencies wouldn't let me see it.

[maxen]

"Why did you think it would be different with you? What did you expect?"

i thought it would be different because we were a bit older (49 and 41) and therefore wiser; because we had successful professional lives that i though indicated maturity on her part (and mine  ); because we took a vow before a roomful of people, and God, in a fully formal ceremony; because we both wanted married life so much; because we had shared interests.

but what happened was the extreme version of patterns from her entire life. her need for validation was endless; her other-blaming was endless; her irresponsibility with money was worse than i knew; her alcohol consumption was worse than i knew; she frequently created messes and ran away; in the end she exploded our life and ran away. my T spotted the BPD quickly and said that it could never have been different, it's characterological. and, get this, i firmly believe it will be different with her new partner.

[Aw511]

I thought I was different because he told me I was... .I trusted him.

He couldn't handle being loved... .

[Phoenix.Rising]

He couldn't handle being loved... .

This, to me, is the absolute worst part of this horrible illness.  It almost seems cruel because I believe they want it as bad as we do.