As a mother of someone with BPD...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have been reading the posts on here and thought I would just add my thoughts as a mother of someone with BPD (undiagnosed).  At least if it is your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife you can walk away hard though that is but when it is your child and you are being mentally abused by your own child that is far worse and you cannot walk away.  I have had so many evil thoughts, something I am truly not normally guilty of that I now feel like a horrible person.  I have been told how thick and stupid I am so often that I actually believe it now.  Had this person not been my child I would have walked away years ago.  But I am trapped in what feels like an evil pact with someone whose life is in such a mess yet no-one gets in to help.  It has destroyed me watching it and I feel as though my once bubbly and happy personality has been removed and replaced with a permanently depressed suicidal unhappy one and I can't seem to shake it off.  I feel selfish and I do feel guilty about banging on about the effect it's having on me, at least I can get away from it occasionally he can't.  I am sorry for going on but it is good to know I am not alone after a decade of not understanding what is going on.  We have been through the depression diagnosis the OCD diagnosis and now the anxiety diagnosis and none of it fits the profile however BPD does.  Sorry for rambling on, my head is so messed up.

[lkic]

I have been reading the posts on here and thought I would just add my thoughts as a mother of someone with BPD (undiagnosed).  At least if it is your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife you can walk away hard though that is but when it is your child and you are being mentally abused by your own child that is far worse and you cannot walk away.  I have had so many evil thoughts, something I am truly not normally guilty of that I now feel like a horrible person.  I have been told how thick and stupid I am so often that I actually believe it now.  Had this person not been my child I would have walked away years ago.  But I am trapped in what feels like an evil pact with someone whose life is in such a mess yet no-one gets in to help.  It has destroyed me watching it and I feel as though my once bubbly and happy personality has been removed and replaced with a permanently depressed suicidal unhappy one and I can't seem to shake it off.  I feel selfish and I do feel guilty about banging on about the effect it's having on me, at least I can get away from it occasionally he can't.  I am sorry for going on but it is good to know I am not alone after a decade of not understanding what is going on.  We have been through the depression diagnosis the OCD diagnosis and now the anxiety diagnosis and none of it fits the profile however BPD does.  Sorry for rambling on, my head is so messed up.

[HarmKrakow]

I have been reading the posts on here and thought I would just add my thoughts as a mother of someone with BPD (undiagnosed).  At least if it is your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife you can walk away hard though that is but when it is your child and you are being mentally abused by your own child that is far worse and you cannot walk away.  I have had so many evil thoughts, something I am truly not normally guilty of that I now feel like a horrible person.  I have been told how thick and stupid I am so often that I actually believe it now.  Had this person not been my child I would have walked away years ago.  But I am trapped in what feels like an evil pact with someone whose life is in such a mess yet no-one gets in to help.  It has destroyed me watching it and I feel as though my once bubbly and happy personality has been removed and replaced with a permanently depressed suicidal unhappy one and I can't seem to shake it off.  I feel selfish and I do feel guilty about banging on about the effect it's having on me, at least I can get away from it occasionally he can't.  I am sorry for going on but it is good to know I am not alone after a decade of not understanding what is going on.  We have been through the depression diagnosis the OCD diagnosis and now the anxiety diagnosis and none of it fits the profile however BPD does.  Sorry for rambling on, my head is so messed up.

Just my 2 cents on this.

You can always walk away, from everybody. Your father, your child, your partner, everyone. The 'excuse' of blood related, is the worst excuse to stay in contact with someone. I also broke with contact with my mother (who is mentally ill). My mother is institutionalized in a mental ward, and there are also children from age 12-18 there (and older) who are left behind by their parents because they simply went apesh!t because their children were driving them insane. Is this bad? The first thing you realize when you get to one of these institutions is that it's all for the benefit of every party (the child, or the mother (in my case)).

Where there is a will, there is a way.

[maxen]

hi lkic. i'm so sorry about the situation you're in. you are clearly wonderfully committed to your child. under no condition should you feel guilty about talking about it though, that's what this board is for, we're here to listen, commiserate, and help if we can.

there is a board for those with children with BPD, have you seen it?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0

[lkic]

Thank you Maxen, I will have a look at that link.  Thankyou also HarmKrakow, I appreciate what you have said, I think it is possible for most people to walk away but I honestly don't think I could without it actually destroying me.  Sad and possibly co dependent, my son actually told me that I had anxiety issues about his illness and recommended books for me .  I am still smarting right now after the prolonged abuse but I know I will get better having withdrawn myself from the situation albeit temporarily in order that I can recover.

[HarmKrakow]

Thank you Maxen, I will have a look at that link.  Thankyou also HarmKrakow, I appreciate what you have said, I think it is possible for most people to walk away but I honestly don't think I could without it actually destroying me.  Sad and possibly co dependent, my son actually told me that I had anxiety issues about his illness and recommended books for me .  I am still smarting right now after the prolonged abuse but I know I will get better having withdrawn myself from the situation albeit temporarily in order that I can recover.

Seek therapeutic help. I know one instance of a father who was in similar shoes like you (autism, not BPD) and he couldn't and he couldn't ... and he couldn't leave her behind.

After doctors, therapists, even ministers, everything, eventually the 'EUREKA' moment came and thus to this day forth it was the best decision of his life. To cut the cord... And go each other seperate way's.

[HarmKrakow]

I'm not saying you should, nor am I pushing you, i'm just saying keep open to every option!

[lkic]

I truly appreciate the fact that you care, thank you.  I guess the time is not right for me to do that yet, perhaps that day will come.  My prayers are that he will recover enough to lead a semi normal life, after all what on earth is normal these days.  It would be much easier to leave it behind a bit if things are looking more normal than they are at the moment.  I was unable to find any help from the medical profession even though my GP knows the full situation all he offered me was sleeping tablets which I  refused and he ended up giving me anti histamines that make you drowsy and he never once mentioned any form of talking therapy although I believe I need it.  I think having no-one to talk to about it is one of the hardest parts of it.  I am so glad I have found this site.

[HarmKrakow]

I truly appreciate the fact that you care, thank you.  I guess the time is not right for me to do that yet, perhaps that day will come.  My prayers are that he will recover enough to lead a semi normal life, after all what on earth is normal these days.  It would be much easier to leave it behind a bit if things are looking more normal than they are at the moment.  I was unable to find any help from the medical profession even though my GP knows the full situation all he offered me was sleeping tablets which I  refused and he ended up giving me anti histamines that make you drowsy and he never once mentioned any form of talking therapy although I believe I need it.  I think having no-one to talk to about it is one of the hardest parts of it.  I am so glad I have found this site.

Prayers give me the idea that you are religious. Although I am not religious, I know that this father was. And one of his biggest struggles, and that from his ex wife's family (also all christian) is that you don't leave behind one of your own. And after many contacts by therapists, shrinks and ministers, and going in and out from mental institutions, for years(!) I think it took around 5 years after the first plan came out but it happened when they found the place where the family and the father himself found (on the basis of religion) the most subtle agreement that from a faith point of view this is the best thing to do. And although it's not a christian mental ward, there is a church with weekly services and she still visits them to this day.

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Join us on [L5] Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0

We have many mother's working through the struggles you face here.  In some cases, a change of perspective on our part and learning communication an other techniques has paved the way for improved family relations. Sometime we make it worse because we don't understand the emotionally complexity of our mentally ill children.

There are no simple answers - but this is a community that will hlp you explore the options that are right for your family.