It continues to move toward divorce

[NoSocks]

Hi all. My uBPD H has gone between so many phases i can t even count. As i continue into my 6 month of individual therapy i am learning things. But what i m learning and implementing only seems to expose his untamed fluxuations.Being seperated for2 and 1/2 months and more of the crazy ups and downs have pushed me further away from wanting to be with him. I m learning in therapy that i need to use my voice, which i need to do in every area of my life. Its teaching me that i can love him but know that we can t be together... .and the fact that him and i dont see eye to eye on anything is more the cause of the end of the breakup not me wanting out. My needs must be just as important... .things that are important to me should be more than just observed... .rather they should be supported and given a place to share them and have than fostered and protected. Instead i m told that i MUST learn to change... .which has in the past given way to all he wants and feels is important. If i didn t comply he would then forcefully... .by any means... .get his way.

[Lucky Jim]

If i didn t comply he would then forcefully... .by any means... .get his way.

Hi NoSocks, What does this mean (above)?  It sounds like an unhealthy dynamic. 

It seems like you are finding your way again, which I view as a positive development.

Agree -- find your own voice -- and listen to what your gut is telling you.

Hang in there,

Lucky Jim

[NoSocks]

That meant physical, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse.

He would cause fights just so he didn't have to do something he didn't want to do.  But the biggest wierd thing he did... .or does, which the psych. Doc's and councilors don't know what to make of it is... .he reciprocates what I do. For instance, in the early days of our relationship if my sister invited us both to my nephews soccer game... .by the following weekend my uBPD H had contacted his sister and told me that she invited us to his niece's dance recital. Something he told me he had never attended before and said he didn't like attending. As he openly admits... just to me of course... .that he doesn't like children. He would like his own... .but thats it.  He's very Sheldon Copper Anti-social that way. There are so many of these as they would occure on a daily basis that it made me begin to think about what I was going to say... .just so I didn't get his duplicate back at me. I haven't read  anyone else having this problem and I have been on the boards for a good while now.   Any thoughts on this?

[Lucky Jim]

That meant physical, emotional, verbal, and financial abuse.

Hi NoSocks, I'm sorry about what you've been through.  If a friend told you about the abuse you describe (above), what would your reaction be?  Maybe it's time to be a friend to yourself?  The sad reality is that things generally don't improve in a relationship with a pwBPD and, in fact, often can get much worse over time.

I am unfamiliar with the "mirroring" behavior that you describe, but the behavior of a pwBPD can often be odd and unsettling.

You state below that your needs must be equally important as his.  I agree and might even say that your needs come first.  Until you make yourself the priority, you will probably remain in the BPD quagmire.  Think about yourself.  What do you need?  What do you want to see happen?  You get the picture.

Lucky Jim

[NoSocks]

Thanks for your input Lucky. The punishment goes on... .I m not the one not going to therapy and I m not the one pulling away from being together and yet I get punished. He doesn t speak to me for days... .even when i try and make contact... .then when he does call he jumps down my neck. Now tonight i was trying to test the waters to see where his moods where at by telling him a was available if he want to see me. He texted back with " rather not. I have plans tonight!" I have never been the jelous type... .which i ve showed to be the case so many times... .as he trys to get me to act like i am. I ve never been that way with him. But he wants to push my buttons as much as he can. BUT ... .if I EVER said that to him... .oh boy... .he would have me dating ... .marrying... .then pregnant with someones child. His co worker who started to want a friendshup with him and then eventually the both of us called my H cell needing to talk to me... .BIG mistake. Needless to say we don t hear from him anymore.

[NoSocks]

My grieving stages are happening... .all I seem to do is want to cry and have him hold me.  Even after ALL the terrible things that hes done and continues to do. I m just soo sad. I wish I could stop this awful feeling inside.

[NoSocks]

I can t believe after ALL that he does he says he can t be around ME because of the dysfunction.What! Its soo twisted... .I feel like I m in a BPD tornado ... .holding on to reality with white knuckle fists. I feel so alone and horribly damaged by him.

[lightswitch]

Hey , Nosocks, I'm familiar with the strange reciprocal behavior.  My exBPDh would do things like that, and to me it seemed like an attempt to one-up other people, or make himself appear to be more than he really was.I saw it as a fear.a fear of being inadequate, or just more frantic attempts to keep up a facade. Additionally,I also saw it as a way to set up triangulation... .like, hey, look at me, I'm so much better than your family members, they're all a bunch of jerks, etc... .a reactive yet calculated set up to prevent people from seeing the real him. He knew he was not right. He remained in serious denial of his illness., I'm glad to hear you're going to therapy. I know that feeling of wanting to be held and go back to the warm cocoon of the good moments. Keep reading up on and focusing on what makes an abusive relationship... .like you described, physical, emotional, financial... .you can't survive and thrive in those conditions, period.

   Stay strong! Maybe you have another safe, trusted person with win you can share your grief, lean on?  I did divorce my ex. Yes, it hurts like no other. Yes, I'm regaining my life.