Seeing my BPDexh tomorrow... In turmoil

[Jbt857]

Hi,

So, tomorrow I have to face my BPDexh.

I've not seen him since the end of August, when he paid me a visit to tell me I'd been replaced (and how wonderful she is). Since then, we've been NC except for some email communication last week to arrange tomorrow.

He is coming to collect the last of his things (which he heavilyresisted) and sign the last of the paperwork. From then, I have no reason to ever see him again. However, he's volatile and so I cannot avoid him coming here and us seeing each other in person, as that's how he wants it. Until I have that paper signed, I have to keep him pacified.

I had a really rough few days last week, then the last few days I've been feeling a little better again.

Now, I'm starting to stress about how I'm going to deal with seeing him. My brain knows exactly what to say, do and how to handle it, but my heart... .I'd be lying if I said I didn't still love him. (Yeah, I know... .  ) I have no clue about his current situation and I don't really want to. From the little I do know,he's still making bad choices and avoiding taking responsibility for himself. My plan is to keep to the business in hand and not engage in debate, discussion or chat. But I don't know I trust myself to actually be able to stick to that. And I certainly don't know how to protect myself from being right back in that dark place after seeing him.

Guess I just needed to get that out there. Any advice, thoughts, suggestions or support would be great. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Would having a third person there help?

You never know, my exes contact attempts after I left were so ridiculous that it just validated my decision to leave that much further.  You might be pleasantly surprised.

[Waifed]

A third person would be great. Also don't give him the satisfaction that you are still hurting. I can think of a lot of other things but they would probably get you in trouble

[Jbt857]

I only have a few trusted friends down here and unfortunately the timing means they aren't around.

@fromheel - yes, I hope I get that validation. Once tomorrow is done, I can finally block him on fb and really draw a line. I have moved forward a lot since our split, and even more since I last saw him, so despite being very low last week, I hope I've come far enough to see the wood from the trees.

From his email comms last week, it's clear he is still blaming me for everything and not taking responsibility for his life. So I doubt I'm going to get a recycle attempt. I just don't know what to expect, and that's what is making me nervous.

@waifed - you made me smile - much needed, even though I have a pretty good imagination myself! 

Thanks guys - even just posting about it helps.

[seeking balance]

From my experience, I found that when I stressed it really was not nearly as bad as the scenario I thought.  I also couldn't have predicted some of the bad stuff and I survived.

The point I think I am trying to make is, just breathe... .know your exit strategy if conflict arises, but from the stories on the boards you are much more likely to have a "no show" than major drama.

The last contact I had with my ex to exchange stuff lasted all of 2 minutes.

You will likely feel very sad afterwards, and that is normal... .if you don't, that is ok too... .just keep breathing.

Peace,

SB

[love4meNOTu]

I understand too well.

I hadn't seen mine in four months, but saw him in divorce court.

I didn't look at him, didn't speak to him. I know you don't have this option... but I would encourage you to be "boring". If he asks how you are, just say "oh you know working hard and keeping busy".

If he asks about your personal life... just say "oh, I'm not going to go there with you, it's not important, and I've been too busy to think about it"

BLAH BLAH BORING 

[Jbt857]

Well... .He called and postponed until Friday.

For him, it's just another day.

For me, it's just prolonging the torment... .Sigh.

[seeking balance]

Well... .He called and postponed until Friday.

For him, it's just another day.

For me, it's just prolonging the torment... .Sigh.

yeah, "no show" is much more common... .makes the actual event less dramatic because of all the chaos just for a simple meet up and "finalization".

Expect the last meeting to get drawn out... .closure is not something a pwBPD tends to handle well.  IF he cancels again, I suggest you have a plan B that  may include mailing his things or something to that nature.

good luck!

[Jbt857]

Interesting that the no-show is common. He has to come get it Friday - I have a friend coming to stay and I've been explicit - it will go to the tip if it's not collected then. It's only 7 months since he left - he finds it terribly unjust/unreasonable that I'd like his stuff out of here. 

I wish there was a plan B, but I need his signature on a paper, and I don't know where he is living or working and no mutual friends. Otherwise I'd have dropped his stuff a long time before.

I wonder why, even when they have moved on, when we no longer mean anything to them, that they struggle so much to finalise the separation they initiated? He isn't the kind who will try to come back. I 'get' that it's back to that initial separation trauma for them subconsciously, but how do they rationalise the reason for stalling to themselves? It makes no sense to me... .

[seeking balance]

but how do they rationalise the reason for stalling to themselves? It makes no sense to me... .

Well, there is a book on this, "I hate you, Don't Leave Me"  kinda sums it all up... .it is not supposed to make sense to you - it is just a fact of BPD... .

Ultimately, abandonment is a huge trigger - when triggered, maladaptive coping mechanisms kick in - thus the behavior we don't understand... .and the circle begins... .

Most of us ended up having attorneys serve any final paperwork, I do hope it doesn't come to that for you - but the norm is this for many of us.