Hi Misskitty82, I read your intro post and wow--you have been through a lot with your parents. You do NOT have to give in to their ridiculous demands on your time and energy. You have the right to have a normal life, without a lot of BPD drama draining your resources.
He really doesn't know what to say to me other then I need to get over the past and not dwell. I understand that but I am just coming to terms with what really happened and so many repressed memories and the way I was treated in my childhood greatly affected the person I am today. I simply can't just turn off a switch and make it all go away.
I have a mom with BPD too, and my husband has always been able to see that there is something wrong with her. I can't really talk to him though because he didn't grow up under the same kind of circumstances that I did, and he can't always understand my feelings. It is wonderful that you managed to find this forum because you will find many people here who know exactly how you feel. About getting over the past and not dwelling on it--when I first joined this group I was always thinking about my past, all the time. I found out that spending time here--reading and posting--did wonders to help me stop having so many negative thoughts and flashbacks. You will eventually come to terms with the past and not dwell on it too much. You need to figure some things out, so I think going to a therapist that you feel comfortable with will help. No, you can not just turn off a switch and make it all go away, but you can and will learn how to have a better life.
I haven't spoken to my parents for a few weeks and honestly I don't really care if I ever speak to them again yet I am terrified of them and whenever they will reach out to me. I know they will. I know I am headed down a long road to healing from my past.
It is normal to fear your parents, many of us do here. That's how they've always been able to control you, and it was no accident that they instilled this fear into you. It was done on purpose, and now you've decided it's time for you to take back your life and truly make it your's instead of their's. I came to the same conclusion that you did, I got to the point where I didn't want anything to do with my parents anymore. I've had no contact at all with them for about 6 years now. I feel like a completely different person now and I don't think I could have gotten this far without going NC. Staying away from them has allowed me to figure out who I really am and be that person, instead of being their personal doormat. My parents expected too much of me too--asking a lot of favors that were unreasonable--and they did it because they didn't see me as an individual, but rather like a slave/nursemaid at their disposal. After I had my son, I started asserting my own needs and desires--which they interpreted as selfishness because they weren't used to me sticking up for myself. During these 6 years I have built up my self-esteem to a level I have never enjoyed before in my entire life (I'm 46). I'm not as sensitive as I was before and I allow things that used to distress or anger me to just roll off my back now. It didn't happen overnight; I saw a therapist and worked hard at changing myself and it has been worth it. I've been shedding the BPD-like characteristics that I had taken on while under my parent's influence and I've added healthier habits and ways of thinking and making them second nature to me.
NC (no contact) with my parents came about when I wrote them a very honest letter, detailing the ways they had abused me, and explaining to them that I'm not trying to hurt them but to save myself. I asked my mom to seek individual counseling too. This was back in '07 and I haven't heard a peep from them ever since, so I've just left it that way. Whether you decide to have NC with your parents or not is entirely up to you. NC is NOT about holding a grudge about the past. It is about protecting yourself in the present and in the future. Don't let anyone distract you by saying you need to forgive and forget and give your parents a call. It has nothing to do with forgiving. You may decide to forgive them some day and STILL maintain NC to protect yourself. Your parents made choices in the way they treated you, and now there are consequences that will be disagreeable to them. I understand you're afraid; believe me I was too when I sent that letter because I wondered if it might provoke a vicious attack from them, but nothing happened at all. It sounds like your parents have finally just pushed you too far and you've had enough, so no one here will judge you if you decide to maintain NC with them. You'll meet a lot of people here who avoid their BPD family members completely. If a nasty confrontation with your parents does occur, just stick to your guns. Even if your fear is quite obvious to them, you can still insist on having things your way and not let them browbeat you. And you can always come here for support when you need it. Keep reading and posting here--it really does help! chickadee.
