When will the anger subside?

[frustrated b/f]

I broke up with my uBPD g/f and have been NC for 100+ days. The anger I feel comes from investing a great portion of my life into a relationship that was impossible to make work.

I still get angry because it seems like we had all the parts to build a great relationship, but somehow she would always find a way to sabotage it.

At first I was angry at her, then I was angry at myself for allowing it, now I just get angry from time-to-time and I'd like to get rid of it!

Any suggestions?

[Pretty Woman]

Mine is the opposite. My BPD is mad at me... .

and she broke it off, said we should date other people.

Immediately I knew who was in the picture and there was a replacement.

The funny thing is as she was dumping me she wanted to be my bff, said she loved me very much and couldn't imagine her life without me. When I questioned she dumped me cold, blocked me on FB, email and phone and told me never to contact her again.

Who does that? Someone with very weak boundaries and rejection issues.

BPD is a sad disorder. I don't know if my ex will ever show up at my door. Prospect of it looks weak. Taking time to get over this hump and get stronger... .so I no longer am even remotely attracted to someone like this.

[GlennT]

It is very important to seek a place asap, within and without of yourself, to balance, or process the residual effects of extreme trauma. Sometimes, you have been feeling angry just out of the blue, suddenly, it will be with you... at this time, do not try to feel better by listening or watching any other traumatic events or placing yourself in situations, to channel your anger outwards. The anger is coming from only your space, within you now. You are NC, and recovering, and You own it now. So try to think positive, have a goal, meet or read about other highly spiritual people, take time to love and improve yourself and environment, talk and be with good positive people, because there is something far worse than the anger stage and that could be called indifference, apathy, bitterness, depression etc. because at this time, you have realized how much you have invested and lost in your life and how much time has passed, but most of all, we believed in true love, a beautiful dream future companion, that we could endure it all with, and grow with. There will still be triggers, and that is why I have to leave this board sometimes, reading about others, and giving advice may trigger me. When going through hell we must keep going towards, and believing in our own future light. We must. Even if we do not know exactly what it is. There is also great wisdom that comes with pain. Be patient, and I am sure we will sort it all out in time.

[starshine]

Hi Fb/f.  You know, being out 100+ days is really only 3 months.  It has been over 2 years for me, and I am still angry about what happened to me.  Not fired up with a white hatred, like I was, but a burn, a searing that lets me know I'm still not healed yet.  In my experience, anger has come and gone during my healing process.  Waxed and waned.  There are stages of grief listed here on this site, you will read more about this.  It helps to understand the cyclical experiences of our feelings.

The only recommendations I have during these really angry phases are to stay clear of alcohol and do some sort of physical workout to burn that energy out.  I have also found that acupuncture REALLY helps

when the anger or grief gets too intense, clearing the stagnant chi from those meridians. 

Be kind and patient with yourself.  This was no ordinary relationship, and this is not your average breakup.  There is no shortcut through this, that I have found.  If someone else knows otherwise, I bet we will hear about it.   

[Oliolioxenfree]

I broke up with my uBPD g/f and have been NC for 100+ days. The anger I feel comes from investing a great portion of my life into a relationship that was impossible to make work.

I still get angry because it seems like we had all the parts to build a great relationship, but somehow she would always find a way to sabotage it.

At first I was angry at her, then I was angry at myself for allowing it, now I just get angry from time-to-time and I'd like to get rid of it!

Any suggestions?

I felt the same anger as well.  My replacement got all of my so called investment and he gave her everything he had promised me but never followed through on.

For me the anger subsided when I FINALLY trusted myself.  The research I did on the topic of BPD, going back and thinking about his behavior and realizing that he had a mental illness. It took some time to accept this and internalize it.  When I finally did though, the anger slowly subsided and turned into pity.  Pity for him and his sad life and pity for his new victim.  

I think the process is different for everyone but the dissipation of your anger will come sooner than you think.  Right now you are immersed in the darkness of anger  so its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  In the meantime, I say embrace it until you exhaust yourself and have no more anger to vent!    What I did honestly was Say over and over again even through clenched teeth "I wish him the best"  Until one day I actually meant it.  

Another way I got through my anger was to focus all of that residual anger and hatred I had for him and my replacement and channel it into bettering my own life.  I got a new place, I got some physical enhancements, went to therapy, healed my own issues, got my masters degree, Im applying to phd programs and following my dreams, I reconnected with old friends, made new ones and went on new adventures.  My anger flowed into other ventures and somehow began manifesting as passion for life again.  While I'm not totally indifferent because from time to time he enters my mind and Im obviously still posting on these boards here and there,  Im pretty much there. I have no anger, no sadness no feeling at all. Just happy where Im at.

Just remember that YOU have the opportunity for a better happier healthier life and she doesnt. so in that respect revenge is sweet.  That should get a little smirk from you at least

[Lucky Jim]

Underneath anger is usually suffering, so to dissipate the anger you have to be willing to explore the pain behind it, in my view.  If you can identify why you are hurting, the next step is to comfort and nurture the parts of yourself that are suffering, in order to heal those wounds.  How would you treat a child who is hurting?  That's how you should treat the hurt child within.

Lucky Jim

[bruisedbattered]

I think once we forgive ourselves for letting ourselves be victimized, is when we start making real progress and let go of the anger.   as for them, they are wounded children stuck in adult bodies who dont care for our forgiveness, nor do they need it.  They care only about their own survival.   Feel sorry for them, they'll most likely never get better.    I know my xBPDgf will most likely drown in the bottom of a vodka bottle, die in a drunk/driving accident, od on drugs, or end up in jail.     There is no happy ending for her.    I no longer care which fate she comes to, not my problem any longer.  Angry, yes I am.   With her?   I played with fire, I got burnt. end of story.     forgive, forget... . all we can do...

[Turkish]

I hear you, it's really, really hard to let it go. I still cycle between anger, depression and hopelessness, but it isn't a constant thing as it was the past two months. I am at the point now where I think of my X as my poor, lost daughter. It helps me to let her go from the physical intimate thoughts that still remain, and feel more pity about a person who is driven by the black hole of BPD inside of her. I am still mad now more at her paramour for hurting our kids and being part of causing them this pain. That, right now, is the focus of my anger.

[seeking balance]

When will anger subside for you frustrated b/f?

Only you can answer that.

Anger, is a mask for hurt and is a natural function in grief.  So, in your past  - have you ever felt anger, how did you manage it?

I tended to be really good at anger - anger was allowed in my childhood, tears not so much.  Learning to be sad and shed tears took me some time.  Anger was my "go to" emotion... .leaning into it and into the hurt is how I learned to let my anger go.

What about you -what is your experience with anger til this point?

[Waifed]

I broke up with my uBPD g/f and have been NC for 100+ days. The anger I feel comes from investing a great portion of my life into a relationship that was impossible to make work.

I still get angry because it seems like we had all the parts to build a great relationship, but somehow she would always find a way to sabotage it.

At first I was angry at her, then I was angry at myself for allowing it, now I just get angry from time-to-time and I'd like to get rid of it!

Any suggestions?

I am about the same time frame of NC as you. I also get angry for days and then it subsides only to return again. I also miss "her" in spurts that last from a few days to a couple of weeks. Every time I think I am on the downhill side of things I take a few steps back and I get really angry.