My Ex Hosted Thanksgiving

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex BPD wife aborted a recycle attempt with me a few months ago.  She met, and has now moved in with a man 14 years younger than her.  She seems happy as a lark.  She hosted a Thanksgiving meal for our kids and her dad at her new place.  I don't know why, but this is eating me up.  I am still processing the 25 years we spent together.  I am still hurting, trying to understand and work it out in my mind and heart.  She has already "set up house" with her new guy.  All seems wondrous for her; she has found her guy, new home, and is hosting holidays.  And it hurts me.  Why can't I just let this go?  I have a great lady friend in my life.  We are going very slow: separate homes, no sex... .cuddling, movies, visits... .  But I just can't seem to quit obsessing about how my wife has just started over so easily.  Sigh... .  just when I begin to feel better a holiday approaches .  Thanks everybody, for reading.

Fiddle

[fiddlestix]

My ex BPD wife aborted a recycle attempt with me a few months ago.  She met, and has now moved in with a man 14 years younger than her.  She seems happy as a lark.  She hosted a Thanksgiving meal for our kids and her dad at her new place.  I don't know why, but this is eating me up.  I am still processing the 25 years we spent together.  I am still hurting, trying to understand and work it out in my mind and heart.  She has already "set up house" with her new guy.  All seems wondrous for her; she has found her guy, new home, and is hosting holidays.  And it hurts me.  Why can't I just let this go?  I have a great lady friend in my life.  We are going very slow: separate homes, no sex... .cuddling, movies, visits... .  But I just can't seem to quit obsessing about how my wife has just started over so easily.  Sigh... .  just when I begin to feel better a holiday approaches .  Thanks everybody, for reading.

Fiddle

[Surnia]

Fiddle


Its okay to be hurt. Its more difficult when you have kids together. Give your self time.

You are doing great, taking it slowly.

And you know - if you look at rabbit and turtle, the turtle is winning in the end. 

[fiddlestix]

Thanks, Surnia.  Going slow just feels right.  Jumping in the sack right away is not good when wounds are fresh.  I hope I feel better after the holidays. 

Fiddle

[fromheeltoheal]

Mine did the same thing, and it became clear with time what was up; she created a new fantasy and was living a new facade, so yes, she'll be ecstatic while the fantasy lasts, but as with all fantasies reality will show up eventually, and the fact she just repressed everything having to do with you will backfire, as all that stuff comes bubbling back up and gets puked all over the new guy.  And if she's anything like mine, she'll do it again with another new one, the ever-expanding dysfunction.

You guys were together for 25 years, that's a long time, and the right thing to do, and also the painful thing, is to process, heal grow, grieve, purge, get yourself in a healthy place before you jump into anything serious with someone else.  We know this.  And congratulations for taking the right path tackling the tough tasks.

And the bonus?  As I healed and grew, her behaviors and coping mechanisms starting looking that much more ridiculous and pathetic, which reinforced by decision to leave her, and over time I developed some sympathy for her, because she will never get better, she'll just keep leaving that wake of wreckage, and hopefully we've grown to the point we can get into something much more real and sustainable.  Take care of you.

[Waifed]

Hang in there fiddle. Unfortunately you will probably be the first stop on the crazy train every time she looks for a new relationship the rest of her life. Shut it down now.

[GreenMango]

Fiddle those first set of holidays are rough.  The next round it gets easier.

A lot of it for me was the ritual part changing.  20+ years is a lot of time.

Making new holiday rituals might bring a welcome reprieve.  It's alps going to help when the kids are with you for a holiday.

Can you think of some new things to do for the holidays with your family (yes you still have one it looks a little different right now)?

I've heard some of my divorced friends talk about tropical vacations, or attending local events they never did before.

[Ironmanrises]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with watching the facade she presents. I know it looks so believable to an untrained eye. You have seen her behavior up close. You know the hell she unleashed. The new guy will be on the receiving end of that(unless he ditches her first). They aren't going to live happily together ever after. Why? Because she could have been living like that with you Fiddlestix. You seem like a good, kind hearted person. Her disorder, however, destroys all of that. Her behavior will not change. I know you are hurting. Hang in there. We are here for you.