The person I thought I was getting...

[redkong]

My relationship with my ex uBPDgf began online.  We clicked almost immediately due to a number of shared interests and values.  She wrote me lengthy emails that demonstrated a considerable amount of introspection, self-awareness, and personal growth.  I felt very hopeful, like I had met my soulmate.

We finally met in person several weeks later.  I almost immediately sensed small differences between the online person and the live one, but didn't worry too much.  As time passed, we had more in-person time and less online time, and the red flags started going up (slowly).  I started to feel like she was two different people, or that maybe she was very well educated about self-awareness and personal growth, and she could kindof parrot what she'd learned, but she seemed utterly incapable of walking this talk. 

I'm not 100% sure she has BPD but if not she's awfully close.  However, she's probably high-functioning.  She is successful in her current job (2+ years).  She has a confident online presence on all social media sites, and many people look to her for advice.

That is the person I thought I was getting... .the insightful, self-aware, emotionally mature one.  What I got was vastly different, like a bait and switch.  How can pwBPD be so confident and competent in some settings and so dysfunctional in others?

It makes me incredibly sad.  Was there something I did that brought this out in her? 

[heartandwhole]

Hi redkong,

I can relate to your situation, although I didn't meet my pwBPD until after months and months of online communication.  It's confusing to see people so successful in some areas, and then showing so much difficulty in relationships, it really didn't compute for me, either.

I think getting to a place of acceptance that this is a disorder is always a wise choice.  Trying to understand certain behaviors from our own perspective is futile, because it just doesn't make sense, and leaves us doubting our own experiences.

Was there something I did that brought this out in her? 

You got close to her, you cared. 

[fromheeltoheal]

My relationship with my ex uBPDgf began online.  We clicked almost immediately due to a number of shared interests and values.  She wrote me lengthy emails that demonstrated a considerable amount of introspection, self-awareness, and personal growth.  I felt very hopeful, like I had met my soulmate.

We finally met in person several weeks later.  I almost immediately sensed small differences between the online person and the live one, but didn't worry too much.  As time passed, we had more in-person time and less online time, and the red flags started going up (slowly).  I started to feel like she was two different people, or that maybe she was very well educated about self-awareness and personal growth, and she could kindof parrot what she'd learned, but she seemed utterly incapable of walking this talk.  

I'm not 100% sure she has BPD but if not she's awfully close.  However, she's probably high-functioning.  She is successful in her current job (2+ years).  She has a confident online presence on all social media sites, and many people look to her for advice.

That is the person I thought I was getting... .the insightful, self-aware, emotionally mature one.  What I got was vastly different, like a bait and switch.  How can pwBPD be so confident and competent in some settings and so dysfunctional in others?

It makes me incredibly sad.  Was there something I did that brought this out in her?  

Was there something I did that brought this out in her?  Yes, you attached.  Remember the disorder originates when a borderline gets stuck at a very young age and does not detach from their primary caregiver, usually their mother, and never forms a complete 'self', being stuck in that place of one person, feeling engulfed, detach, two people, feeling abandoned, attach, back and forth for life, the only peace and contentment happening on the precarious fence between the poles, short lived.

You were important enough to her at one point to be a candidate for replacement of that primary caregiver, and when your borderline attached to you, she saw you two as one person with no boundary between, and then the dance begins.  All of that is subconscious for the borderline mind you, but give yourself credit for being attractive enough in her eyes to affect the attachment to begin with.  I suppose you could also say you looked tasty to a parasite, but don't go there.

So then the traits show up, which are just coping mechanisms to allow her to deal with the shtty spot she found herself in, described above.  The first is mirroring; mine did the same thing in that she showed up very self aware and reflective by Facebook and email initially, and like you say, much of it did turn out to be parroting, but we get to give ourselves credit in that she reflected back what she saw in me, and it looked pretty damn good.  

How can pwBPD be so confident and competent in some settings and so dysfunctional in others?  Mine did that too, and another trait is situational competence, where she put forth the facade that she had her sht together as long as she was operating in her world, but go off into something new for her and the wheels would fall off.  Social networking is an easy place to keep the lid on the facade because very little of a 'person' shows up in typewritten words, and the only things we see are what they want us to see.

Remember too that a borderline absolutely MUST attach to another person to feel whole, yet they don't like themselves much if at all, so how could anyone else?  So the only option is to create a facade that looks like something they hope you will like, and since it looks just like the good she sees in you, you probably will, but when you look under the hood once the relationship gets going the 'real' her shows up, and it's not a pretty picture.  You can blame a borderline for being deceptive, but based on how they see the world, they literally don't have a choice, and are just trying to survive.  Sad.  Take care of you.

[redkong]

heartandwhole - you are right, trying to understand a pwBPD's behaviors or inconsistencies from a nonBPD perspective IS futile - it just doesn't compute at all.  Thanks for the reminder.

FHTH - I think your post hits at least one of the nails on the head re my ex pwBPD.  Her mom left when she was young - not sure what age, but early childhood.  I think that this understandably affected my ex in a very bad way, and she's been trying desperately to survive since then.  I honestly have huge empathy for my ex... .I can't imagine going through many of the things she's experienced.  This, in a nutshell, is what keeps me from walking away completely.  I have reached a pretty clear point of disengaging my romantic interest in her, but my human/compassionate side finds it hard to walk away from a wounded child.  I just find it so hard to walk away from someone who is in pain even if they are lashing out at me.   If I was hurting that bad, I think I'd want someone to help me.  Honestly, I know that I personally am nowhere near equipped to really help her.  In fact, I think I trigger her.  But I'd like to try to help her connect with someone who can really help her.  If she isn't interested, I'd leave it at that.

[Ironmanrises]

"Personal growth" =     I just got chest pains reading that. Brought back memories of that god awful facade my exUBPDgf portrayed in devaluation in round 2. The 2 different people you described, the same with mine. And everyone else on here too.

[zordon11]

"Personal growth" =     I just got chest pains reading that. Brought back memories of that god awful facade my exUBPDgf portrayed in devaluation in round 2. The 2 different people you described, the same with mine. And everyone else on here too.

Ironmanfalls:

I'm not sure this is what you meant but my ex always said some bullhit about personal growth, working on problems  in relationship and that she wants to become best version of herself. She is a psychologist and I was wondering if by her personal growth she meant being a parasite, draining all my vital powers and treating me like hit. I guess i will never know. 

[fromheeltoheal]

"Personal growth" =     I just got chest pains reading that. Brought back memories of that god awful facade my exUBPDgf portrayed in devaluation in round 2. The 2 different people you described, the same with mine. And everyone else on here too.

Ironmanfalls:

I'm not sure this is what you meant but my ex always said some bullhit about personal growth, working on problems  in relationship and that she wants to become best version of herself. She is a psychologist and I was wondering if by her personal growth she meant being a parasite, draining all my vital powers and treating me like hit. I guess i will never know. 

My ex was very into 'personal growth' as well, my thought being she just wasn't comfortable in her own skin and was trying to do something about it, but wasn't finding the answers, and didn't like therapy.  Kudos for having the self awareness to try, but that was something she wouldn't talk with me about, had to keep a distance there.  She also wanted to be a 'life coach', to help other people with their problems, scary when you think about it, but that was easier than facing her own.

[Ironmanrises]

In the simplest term, and I forgot what member wrote this, apologies, the person we thought we were getting and the person they depict at the end, is a Janus-faced entity.

[caughtnreleased]

"Personal growth" =     I just got chest pains reading that. Brought back memories of that god awful facade my exUBPDgf portrayed in devaluation in round 2. The 2 different people you described, the same with mine. And everyone else on here too.

Really interesting point.  I think it all depends on how they approach personal growth. And I think it's easy to smell the  . No offense to new-age types, but that for me is major  .

[Ironmanrises]

My exUBPDgf in round 2 devaluation started reading the self help book "The Secret" and broadcasting to her whole social media world that she was in "personal development", while destroying me at the same time. The more she broadcast that fake image, the more she cut me down. It was one of the most hurtful things I have ever experienced in my life. And of course, all her sycophantic enabling friends/ family applauded her and not one of those f¥cking people questioned her or reached out to me in any way. They believed that personal development/growth facade she projected. I saw through all of that. She has no self so how can a self help book possibly help her? I tried to illuminate that to her on the day if discard, it was futile. My words were not registered. At all. So now, every time I see "personal growth" it literally makes me recoil in horror.

[damage control]

I to met mine online and he was charming, self-depreciating, warm and completely interested/immersed in me.

Like described by others here, the online self and the in-person self were different ... .are different ... .in fact, after sharing the same house for 6 weeks (4 since we split) ... I sometimes found myself wondering where the man I spent hours and hours online with every day even was ... .

He has been meeting women online for about 12 years now - 99% of these never took off but the ex before me, me, my replacement (and I think there is at least one other in the pipeline) were hook, line and sinkered by the persona he has cultivated in his articulate and intelligent writing ... hell, he even recycled some of the emails he sent to me originally to my replacement ... I kid you not.

The internet allows them total control of the relationship and of how they are perceived, and that is why they thrive online ... and finding people online ... .

[redkong]

I wonder if the online persona is a reflection of who the pwBPD wants to be or wishes he/she were?  In my case, my ex pwBPD didn't just create something for me - it wasn't mirroring, although equally effective - she has an online blog that goes back more than a year, and what she presents there is pretty consistent with the person I got to know through email etc.  However, the differences between that persona and the real person started to show up almost immediately once we met in person.  She presents online as someone open-minded and self-reflective - passionate for sure, but all about generally healthy things... .but she shows up as someone with very rigid judgments of others (not even seeing how she doesn't fit her own requirements), easily angered by small things and quick to get in people's faces when they dare cross the line of her expectations. 

Actually, this last behavior was one of the first red flags for me aside from being keening aware she was uncomfortably idealizing me.  She would often tell me about altercations she had with total strangers in public places when they did things she thought were wrong.  Seriously, how many people would go off on someone just because they spit on the ground.  Yes, to some people that's gross, but she took it as a personal affront and almost got into a fist-fight with two guys because of it.  To me, major red flag - I thought immediately, "what will it be that I'll do that will trigger that same reaction?"  And thus the walking on eggshells began... .  Fortunately, I decided to get out just a few short months later.  I'm still working through stuff and trying to detach fully, thus, here I am

[fromheeltoheal]

I wonder if the online persona is a reflection of who the pwBPD wants to be or wishes he/she were?

I say that's true for everyone on social media; we put our best foot forward and are able to control what other people see, the ultimate in facade creation, which is why it can be depressing to log on and see everyone's best if we're not doing so well.  This site is the perfect place to be if we're not doing well, because it's full of supportive people who have been there.

I too met someone in person who wasn't very close to the one I met online, and I should have walked away from day one, but NOO, I kept buying into the cybercrap that was most of the relationship, in the face of massive incongruency.  Someone's probably already writing a book on the socialogical impact of social media; it's a brand new world.

[redkong]

I wonder if the online persona is a reflection of who the pwBPD wants to be or wishes he/she were?

I say that's true for everyone on social media; we put our best foot forward and are able to control what other people see, the ultimate in facade creation, which is why it can be depressing to log on and see everyone's best if we're not doing so well.  This site is the perfect place to be if we're not doing well, because it's full of supportive people who have been there.

I too met someone in person who wasn't very close to the one I met online, and I should have walked away from day one, but NOO, I kept buying into the cybercrap that was most of the relationship, in the face of massive incongruency.  Someone's probably already writing a book on the socialogical impact of social media; it's a brand new world.

True that.  I'm not very active on social media myself, by choice, and partly for the reason you mentioned above.  I should have known... .maybe I'm naive in taking people at face value in this day and age.  I feel like an idiot, but I was definitely enamored with the person I thought I was getting to know - not to a point where she seemed perfect (far from it), but just where she seemed like what I was looking for.  I'm so so grateful that my real-life interpersonal radar and intuition is fairly attuned... .I didn't immediately bolt and run after we met in person, but I saw red flags almost immediately and voiced them to just the right friend - a psychologist who mentioned BPD.  Several months later, after tons of reading and research, I ended the relationship and am left picking up the pieces and fielding the random bullets shot my way.  Mostly just trying to understand what happened, how I was vulnerable, and process how to let go of someone so clearly hurting and in need.

[fromheeltoheal]

True that.  I'm not very active on social media myself, by choice, and partly for the reason you mentioned above.  I should have known... .maybe I'm naive in taking people at face value in this day and age.  I feel like an idiot, but I was definitely enamored with the person I thought I was getting to know - not to a point where she seemed perfect (far from it), but just where she seemed like what I was looking for.  I'm so so grateful that my real-life interpersonal radar and intuition is fairly attuned... .I didn't immediately bolt and run after we met in person, but I saw red flags almost immediately and voiced them to just the right friend - a psychologist who mentioned BPD.  Several months later, after tons of reading and research, I ended the relationship and am left picking up the pieces and fielding the random bullets shot my way.  Mostly just trying to understand what happened, how I was vulnerable, and process how to let go of someone so clearly hurting and in need.

maybe I'm naive in taking people at face value in this day and age.  I too am naive, or more accurately I look for the good in everyone, which isn't a bad thing, but some boundaries would help, something I got forced to learn in BPD hell.  Plus the mass internet is less than 20 years old, Facebook less than 10, and I don't think we've tuned our intuition to it yet.

I saw red flags almost immediately and voiced them to just the right friend - a psychologist who mentioned BPD.  :)amn!  Good for you, I'm envious, I only found out about BPD after the relationship ended, and probably went a little crazier than necessary, but hey, everything happens for a reason.

process how to let go of someone so clearly hurting and in need.  Yes, I had moments like that, in fact that was a big component of this rescuer in the relationship, although with time and distance I learned that I can't fix it, and I was way too pissed off to care and to try towards the end and during the detachment.  It must be very challenging for a shrink to stay detached enough to protect themselves yet close enough to be helpful, and in fact they consider borderlines the most challenging to treat.  There was no hope for me; we'd been way too intimate and I was way too emotionally invested to see the forest for the trees.  Maybe some of the psychic trauma she experienced as a result of our relationship will motivate her to seek help, but probably not, there have been many, many before me, and probably many to follow, as the trauma wake widens... .

[Ironmanrises]

This song by Ashanti "Never should have" describes what we thought we were getting. It sums up all of this. Sound familiar?

Here is the video:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=UT9AjMDsrbs

You were all that I wanted

I fell in love with all of your heart and your soul

From that moment couldn't imagine

You ever hurting me or mistreating my love

I should have known

Rivers of tear drops

These sharp pains in my heart

If this was the way that you loved

You never should have loved me

You never should have loved me

You never should have touched me

You never should have

Never should have told me you loved me and you would never leave me.

'Cause everything that you would do

It made me fall in love with you

Until you left and you made that mistake

Now I can't take you back if I wanted to

(Ohh ohh ohh ohh... .)

Balled up, laying in my bed

Thoughts racing through my head

How did we start up in love and end up here?

You said you loved me and I believed you

Seems like you don't even mean what you say.

Rivers of tear drops,

These sharp pains in my heart

If this was the way that you loved

You never should have loved me

You never should have loved me

You never should have touched me

You never should have,

Never should have told me you loved me and you would never leave me.

'Cause everything that you would do

It made me fall in love with you

Until you left and you made that mistake

Now I can't take you back if I wanted to

You were all that I wanted

I fell in love with you

'cause you loved me and I thought that you were ready

I thought that we were gonna be a family

And if you weren't then you should have let me

Keep all my love to give

To someone who will

You never should have loved me

You never should have touched me

You never should have

Never should have told me you loved me and you would never leave me.

'Cause everything that you would do

It made me fall in love with you

Until you left and you made that mistake

Now I can't take you back if I wanted to

[sm15000]

I started to feel like she was two different people, or that maybe she was very well educated about self-awareness and personal growth, and she could kind of parrot what she'd learned, but she seemed utterly incapable of walking this talk.  

I think this is the trump card of the high functioning BPDs. . .being able to parrot what they learn, as you say.  My ex was a University lecturer.  He had strong political, very left-wing values that he stuck rigidly to and they portrayed him as a person who championed the disadvantaged and the under-represented, including women's issues 

He got on very well with women, he could talk to them very easily - was incredibly charming, and interested in your opinions etc.  The bonus to him from this, was that he learnt a lot about what women like, dislike about men and relationships. . .and he played it out, very well.

But, in-reality he could never be 'that man'. . .mature, committed, honest,. . .he was the very opposite of that.  Sad thing is, I think that's what he really wanted. . .he said once he had 'turned into the man I wouldn't want him to be, and he did not want to be'

And as for personal growth   he's nearly 55 now and I don't think he'll ever have the ability to change his pattern with women

[Slowlybutsurely]

Hi Redkong, 

I'm sorry for your situation, and I wanted to tell you that I know exactly how it is, as the same thing happened with me.

I met my exgf online, and we communicated a lot via email in the first month. She was an amazing writer, and came off as the most mature, wise, solid, introspective, self aware person ever. It was almost hard to believe, because she was seemingly so more advanced than most people I meet.

But when I met her in person, and when we got together in person after the first meeting, it was like two different people!  I wrote that in my journal at the time... .she's one thing online, and another in person. The in person her was flakey, odd, scattered, just not normal--she could not have been more opposite.

As time went by and our relationship got more and more intense and volatile and psycho, the difference between the two sides of her remained. At one point, she actually admitted that when she was at the keyboard vs in person, she could be removed enough to be in control and be able to act 'together,' but in person she fell apart. She'd have these occasional moments of perfect self clarity, which surprised me, and gave me hope that the relationship could potentially be saved.I mean, if she was aware of these things, surely she could fix them, right?

Wrong. The relationship got worse and worse, and her strange behaviors just spiraled out of control, until finally, even her emails were bat sh#t crazy.

So, you are not alone... .   

[caughtnreleased]

She'd have these occasional moments of perfect self clarity, which surprised me, and gave me hope that the relationship could potentially be saved.I mean, if she was aware of these things, surely she could fix them, right?

Wrong. The relationship got worse and worse, and her strange behaviors just spiraled out of control, until finally, even her emails were bat sh#t crazy.

So, you are not alone... .   

It is the moments of clarity and self awareness that I found so difficult to understand. Miy ex kind  of started off like this but then went on a self destructive binge  of disegulation while I tried to avoid a nervous breakdown. I still have difficulty reconciling the two extremes that he showed himself capable of.