merry merry christmas - ugh

[Monarch Butterfly]

   First of all, merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone.    Secondly, I'm in a dilema. I am a christian, but respect everyone who has a different faith than mine. I am saying this upfront because my dilema has to do with religion.

I have to go over to my uBPDh family's house to celebrate in a couple hours. I'm not sure what I'm celebrating. My family of origin always celebrated the spiritual side of Christmas- but I have to go to his family's celebration and does not apply to them. Only to me. I live in a different country, so I cant celebrate Christmas with my family - oh - how I miss them. How I miss the other side of Christmas that they don't know... .I'm sorry if I am offending anyone here, but just imagine if you had some holidays that were very meaningful to you and suddenly it feels as if your forced to celebrate something that had no meaning to it.

They are all in need of help - they're mostly the reason my husband is the way he is. It's sick. So I'm here celebrating a feast that they serve (for them it's just food) and do not have any spirituality - it almost is sacrilegious to me. I have always dealt with them nicely before and it didn't offend me as much as it does this year.

It's the first time I have to do this because my marriage fell apart in August and really tore down any hope last month. Seriously fell apart. I have confronted him about leaving and he denies it... .It's like it isn't going to happen. He has me pinned down for a couple years or so until I can actually get out, so I guess he's taking advantage of that.

I do not want to go to their little party, but since I am still in my house, (stay at home mom) and can't get financially free for a good long while, I feel obligated to go - for the kids.  I have to put a smile on my face and say merry Christmas when I feel like saying a whole bunch of other stuff... .Yah, I know, a little hypocritical on my part.

Can't wait to get free and celebrate with my kids - just them and me.   

[Turkish]

Hi Monarch Butterfly, its confusing sometimes being unequally yolked, no? Me too... .

If you go, just take it for what it is, just.a christmas dinner with his family. Say a prayer yourself silently before the meal, meditate in your head on the meaning for you. Hopefully you can get back and celebrate as you did before.

[Monarch Butterfly]

Thanks Turkish. I just got back. It wasn't as horrible as I had thought it would be.

I guess the family has "forgotten" that I said I am leaving. Twisted. They all just treated me as if we're still the happiest couple in the world.

I heard: "You two should come over some time and hang out!" (like that would be tops on my list) and "I'm so glad that you're looking good and happy. You know how much he loves you, right?". Had to grit my teeth on that one.

They just don't get I'm really leaving - for real. It's going to take me a while, but I am getting out. Maybe there all in the denial phase, but he played such a convincing role all these years his relatives believe he's sugar coated and I live like a princess.

"I don't have to work" they say, but they don't see the other side - he won't let me work. They don't see how much I've given up to be with him. I so scared to go against his opinion because he'll rage upon me that I agreed to everything he said - for 17 years. They can't see that. They can only see I'm smiling - cause I'm so scared of showing any other emotion because he'll panic. I have to be happy 100% of the time, or he'll collapse emotionally. Well, he does that anyway... .

Next year I have to do something else for the holidays.

At least the food was good. Glad it's over. Thinking about next year - making plans already to avoid this again... .