Another friend chooses the pwBPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Rats!  Another friend decided that she couldn't be a friend to me and has chosen the ex.  Man that hurts!  It's a hurt that makes one feel invalidated because you expect your friends to hear you out.  And I'm coming to the conclusion that the friends really can't.   Without fail, they chose the one they knew first.   Even with the overwhelming evidence they cannot be convinced.  It's so damn obvious that my ex is pwBPD just based upon her behaviors.   

Any suggestions out there about this.  How do you guys deal with this?

D

[TakingWingAtLast]

Rats!  Another friend decided that she couldn't be a friend to me and has chosen the ex.  Man that hurts!  It's a hurt that makes one feel invalidated because you expect your friends to hear you out.  And I'm coming to the conclusion that the friends really can't.   Without fail, they chose the one they knew first.   Even with the overwhelming evidence they cannot be convinced.  It's so damn obvious that my ex is pwBPD just based upon her behaviors.   

Any suggestions out there about this.  How do you guys deal with this?

D

[fromheeltoheal]

There might be a bright side.  We hear all the time around here how our friends and family can't relate to what we went through, partly because a borderline puts forth a facade and only we see the dark side.  If your ex isn't going to let your friend 'in', then that's not much of a friendship anyway, and people show their true colors when things get stressed.  You might have some true friends who will stick with you through think and thin; I say lean on those, whether or not they understand the dynamics of BPD hell.  Take care of you!

[TakingWingAtLast]

Unfortunately, most of "my" friends were her friends first.  With few exceptions, the majority of our friends were the parents of friends of our step daughter from school and temple.  So very isolating.  I just cried for 30 minutes.  Finally, recovering.

Thank you for you note.  It was a help!  And you never know how things shake out in the end to be sure.

D

[redkong]

D, losing friends or having them "take sides" is definitely a painful part of many break-ups.  I totally feel your loss, and am sorry you're going thru this.  In my experience, the friends who really matter will stand by you through thick and thin; the ones who walk away or choose sides are probably not people you want as long-term friends anyway.  In situations like this, friends are often completely duped and manipulated by the pwBPD.  As best as you can, try to depersonalize it and realize it's not about you, not a reflection of you (hard to do, I know).

In time, you will make new friends who will know and understand you.  In the meantime, you have this whole community here - if ever a group of people was capable of offering you support and friendship, it is here!

Stay strong.

[fromheeltoheal]

Unfortunately, most of "my" friends were her friends first.  With few exceptions, the majority of our friends were the parents of friends of our step daughter from school and temple.  So very isolating.  I just cried for 30 minutes.  Finally, recovering.

Thank you for you note.  It was a help!  And you never know how things shake out in the end to be sure.

D

Sorry man, I know it's hard.  It's also an opportunity.  Growth and change are difficult and sometimes we opt for same old same old because it's familiar.  Well here's an opportunity to use that pain as motivation fuel.  I was very socially isolated when my borderline ex showed up, which made me extra susceptible, but now that we're done and I'm pretty detached, I'm actively 'fixing' things.  These things don't happen overnight, but it sounds like you could use some friends outside of that circle, and all it takes is focus; look for opportunities to make friends, and if you're focusing on it a lot, opportunities will show up that you hadn't seen before.  Use it man, the ultimate gift of a borderline hell experience is the healthier person we become because of it.  Take care of you!

[TakingWingAtLast]

Good suggestions all.  Just grieving.  I know I have those opportunities ahead and that's a good thing.  I can still see the light at the end, even if its a pinpoint at this time.  With lots of jagged walls on the way... .

I'll get there.  Was feeling sorry for myself for the time being.  It's still only been 3 weeks after all and the PTSD is still there for me.   Lots of crying and anger still there.  I'm sure that in time, I'll get through it!  Just sucks!

D

[redkong]

Good suggestions all.  Just grieving.  I know I have those opportunities ahead and that's a good thing.  I can still see the light at the end, even if its a pinpoint at this time.  With lots of jagged walls on the way... .

I'll get there.  Was feeling sorry for myself for the time being.  It's still only been 3 weeks after all and the PTSD is still there for me.   Lots of crying and anger still there.  I'm sure that in time, I'll get through it!  Just sucks!

D

D - take your time and grieve your losses (all of them).  I jumped the gun in suggesting you look too far forward - that will only come with time.  For now, come here.  As you and I have both seen during this difficult holiday weekend, there is a lot of support, patience, understanding, and space for grieving to be found here.  Thank you also for the support you've sent my way. 

 to you... .

[Octoberfest]

Hey Dpenderg-

As others have suggested; give yourself time.  It would sure be nice if there were a magic fix to what we feel after our relationship with our pwBPD, but there isn't.  Truthfully, the best thing you can do, even though it is the hardest thing to do, is just to dig in, grit your teeth, and feel the pain.  Don't run from it.  Don't try and bury it with maladaptive coping strategies.  This is a time where you can shine and prove to yourself that you are a different kind of person than your BPDex- they will do just those things, and it is doing those things over and over that perpetuates their pain.  So really feel the loss, grieve.  It's what healthy people do.

In reference to the loss of a friend... .perhaps they weren't really a friend at all.  I have many acquaintances; very few true friends.  Very few people that I know would be there for me without question if I needed them. In time you will realize it is not really a loss.  The guy who I considered and believed to be my best friend went and made out with my BPDex while we were involved.  And another close friend went and had sex with her.  I was crushed that my "friends" had done this.  In hindsight? I really wanted close friends, and I picked people for the job who really were not qualified for it.  No reason to consider not being friends with someone a loss when they aren't worth being friends with in the first place.

Hope you get to feeling better

Octoberfest