Walking by a ray of emotions

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Just when to one of the local supermarket, while driving in the parking lot I saw her car,light's on idling ( consider here in Quebec its winter )I thought she was inside and has sent her son to pick up something in the store, so I drove by not peeking in,parked and went in the store when in the corner of my field vision I saw her ... .Arrgh! Physical feelings overwhelmed me were I had to visualize my walking were it wasn't an automatic function!  ?what is this ? Anyhow I just kept going so not to engage in any contact (been 6 months n/c) then got out since they was no more hamburger bun's" really?"... .I'm happy to see it didn't trigger sadness but it sure did get my mind going,I was literally shaking, I felt the urge for her closeness... .

But brought those thoughts to magical thinking. I'm on the right track, I stick to what I set myself to become.It was all intoxicating but  I don't want it anymore, my feelings do, but my instinct,behavioral thinking and reconnaissance of getting to love myself doesn't. Still an obstacle but I'm human.

[necchi]

Just when to one of the local supermarket, while driving in the parking lot I saw her car,light's on idling ( consider here in Quebec its winter )I thought she was inside and has sent her son to pick up something in the store, so I drove by not peeking in,parked and went in the store when in the corner of my field vision I saw her ... .Arrgh! Physical feelings overwhelmed me were I had to visualize my walking were it wasn't an automatic function!  ?what is this ? Anyhow I just kept going so not to engage in any contact (been 6 months n/c) then got out since they was no more hamburger bun's" really?"... .I'm happy to see it didn't trigger sadness but it sure did get my mind going,I was literally shaking, I felt the urge for her closeness... .

But brought those thoughts to magical thinking. I'm on the right track, I stick to what I set myself to become.It was all intoxicating but  I don't want it anymore, my feelings do, but my instinct,behavioral thinking and reconnaissance of getting to love myself doesn't. Still an obstacle but I'm human.

[redkong]

This is one of my biggest fears - running into my ex at the grocery store or similar.  I always scan the lot for her car.

Sorry you experienced this but congrats on handling it so well!  Keep moving forward and taking care of YOU. 

[Changingman]

All power to you Nechi,

I that must have felt hard to be so near a predator. I have a fantasy in my head of seeing her and not reacting at all. LONG way down the road.

We are humans, breath it in.

I scan everywhere now, not paranoid or even just her/her 'friends' ( ha ).

But self aware of my environment and the people there.

I can feel the positivity, negativity of everyone. Protecting myself, aware of my own learned responses. I'm changing old habits/ways to real defences. I am looking after myself.

No more apologies for being myself, petty jealousies from people, hatred, manipulation, slights.

True friends, my children, dogs, knowledge... .they are more beautiful than ever. Love, honour, kindness, caring, loyalty mentioned so casually are more precious than gold. No one can give you these, they come only from the self.

They are forged alone with everybody.

What defines BPD? Turbulent emotions, core emptiness, control issues, moral bankruptcy, addiction, infidelity, self harm, chaos?

Pathological blind Shallowness

I want my self to shine, all of me unchained.

[Changingman]

I can see why she mirrored me now and then hated me for it.

Yes darling, it's true... .I'm sorry... .I am this.

Don't let them confuse you anymore good people, we need you!

[necchi]

Ahhh! Man! It was intense... .Though I've been there before, I relate my reaction to the acceptance that I'm enforcing on me. I still have clinging vivid ideations that I must push off,cancel by facts. It happens regularly, this and an habit of sabotaging myself,like sometimes driving by her house... .ppfffff But like I said before,don't have the piercing gut feeling anymore, and can manage my thoughts.

Hope none of this eventually back fires at me.

Got an email last yesterday and after the incident last night got a friend invite on fb from a blanc profile, don't remember the name.

I did feel the force lately! She can kiss my sweet little as$ goodbye!and I'm sure she would  love that... .but I don't sleep with the enemy. This craziness makes us so immature!