how to say "I want to leave. I want out Adios Goodbye"

[Monarch Butterfly]

This is my first message here and I have definitely decided that this is my board from here on out. Now that my brain and my heart are speaking the same language I have actually found some peace.

But how do I actually go up to my uBPDh that I have been married to for 17 years and say - "I cant do this anymore".

Is there any indication that he´ll be violent? He hasn´t before, but then I´ve done every single thing he´s asked me to do and been subservient to the T. I´ve never stood up to him - well i have 4 times in a total of 17 years, and it wasn´t really pretty. And it was about small things like reading an email. So, any ideas?

I have started to be indifferent, absent, and far off daydreaming when he´s around - just purely not there about all kinds of things, to the breakfast we eat together to the movie we watch. I have refused physical contact - but that just started yesterday, so it will take a while to catch on. My hopes are he´ll see something is wrong and he´ll decided that it is better for us to move on.

Ok - the little voice inside me says - dream on... .

Should I really have that bag packed and in the car?  :'( Or should we try to have a decent honest open conversation? Ok - my conscience is really laughing at me... .

Everything tells me to talk to a lawyer first, get the bags packed, xerox all the important documents, and have a plan B, plan C and get the kids to a safe place first. But am I being too paranoid?  

What are the real expectations? Just because someone has never been violent doesn´t mean there isnt a 1st time, right?

[redkong]

MB - Congrats on getting to a point where your head and your heart are on the same page - no easy task. It's difficult (impossible?) to predict how a pwBPD will respond.  One resource you might find helpful is the following:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

My own situation of leaving was far simpler than many people's since we weren't married and hadn't been together for years.  However, there are loads of people on here who have been down paths similar to yours, and I'm sure they'll have good advice/suggestions/feedback.

Hang in there!

[Surnia]

Hi MonarchB.

I agree very much about getting as much information you can have, best with a lawyer. And yes, stepping out of 17 years marriage is not easy. You need to be prepared, a strategy. Carefully planing this is wise, not paranoid. My 2 cents. 

[Learning_curve74]

Hi MonarchB, I just wanted to add my voice to the others here and say that planning ahead is very important. It is in the nature of the disorder that your husband does not necessarily have your best interests at heart (this is not a judgement of good or bad, but simply accepting what is reality), so you need to take care of yourself best that you can. And the best way to do that is by to prepare and have plans.

Beat wishes to you. 

[Monarch Butterfly]

Wow -I can't believe it! This method really works! And fast!

Of course it hasn't been easy and I'm not free yet. I started to ignore him. I got the silence treatment then the ferocious stare and finally after two days he exploded. He said he wouldn't live like this anymore and he deserved a better wife - so I agreed. That's the last thing he expected. I said it was all my fault - I just cant get over the 14 years of treason and hurtful things he said and move on. I said I was stuck in the past and just cant get past finding out that he cheated on me all of our marriage.

He said it was all my fault for ruining our marriage because he was fully capable of loving me and making things work. He made me agree that the end of our marriage would be fully my fault   but I agreed just to get out.

Of course today he's all wimpy and saying that he's sorry and will do anything to keep me here. He has agreed to work on the best exit strategy and that I cant do anything too fast. He said that would tear the kids apart. He suggested I leave in 4 years -  I again disagreed. We agreed that we fix up the house to sell it for a better price and then I leave. I burst out in tears- I designed the house. (He got my soft spot.)

Then he said we could just be friends but still live in the same house.  Then he said he's miserable without me and can't let me go... .He just has to see my face when he comes home from work - and so on and so forth.

I'm trying to be strong. I've finally built up the courage to confront him and I cant give in now.

But I'm happy because I'm free. Well - one day I'll be free. I'm working on it. I thought he'd explode violently but he didn't. Getting the idea across for me was the hardest part. Now that he gets it, I think I'll be better off. One step closer to getting out of 17 years of abuse. I'm torn apart but happy.

[redkong]

MB - congrats to you on standing strong and having that first conversation.  Sounds like you made some headway and you're feeling hopeful.  That's awesome.  It will likely get harder before it gets easier- keep coming here for support and guidance.

[Surnia]

A first step, Monarch. Speaking about the own needs feels good, isn't it?

What do you think will be your next steps?