If you pull them up on their bad behaviour- do you get painted black?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Ok... so I was having a fight with my exUBPD for 3 weeks. She lashed out at me for no reason. We weren't even together! She also told me I "insult her regularly" and all this false stuff I never said.

She then sent me an article that said it's patronising to label women as crazy. And told me everyone who knows her labels her as crazy.

I told her i never insulted or labelled her crazy.  But nothing I said was right. She went into victim playing.

Instead of feeling sorry for her this time- I was fed up. So I told her to stop sending me "self destructive" messages. And that I'd had enough of being made to feel bad over the way some loser has treated her. And to please "focus her bitterness elsewhere".

And silence.

It's been over a week now. I felt it was harsh but needed to be done.

Yesterday I sent her another message saying "hey, I'm sorry others label you that way. Please know I don't do this. Hope you're alright". Then I sent her an article link to travel tips as she is going overseas next year. Just to be friendly.

No word still.

Is it possible that me being firm and telling her to stop sending me such messages has made her paint me black?

[Diana82]

Ok... so I was having a fight with my exUBPD for 3 weeks. She lashed out at me for no reason. We weren't even together! She also told me I "insult her regularly" and all this false stuff I never said.

She then sent me an article that said it's patronising to label women as crazy. And told me everyone who knows her labels her as crazy.

I told her i never insulted or labelled her crazy.  But nothing I said was right. She went into victim playing.

Instead of feeling sorry for her this time- I was fed up. So I told her to stop sending me "self destructive" messages. And that I'd had enough of being made to feel bad over the way some loser has treated her. And to please "focus her bitterness elsewhere".

And silence.

It's been over a week now. I felt it was harsh but needed to be done.

Yesterday I sent her another message saying "hey, I'm sorry others label you that way. Please know I don't do this. Hope you're alright". Then I sent her an article link to travel tips as she is going overseas next year. Just to be friendly.

No word still.

Is it possible that me being firm and telling her to stop sending me such messages has made her paint me black?

[seeking balance]

Is it possible that me being firm and telling her to stop sending me such messages has made her paint me black?

yes, it is possible

It is also possible she is taking you at your word and taking her bitterness somewhere else.

[Ironmanrises]

And silence.

That is your answer. The silence. That place where all of our words and actions towards our pwBPD go into, and never get through. That god awful silence.

[Diana82]

How long does the silence last?

Is it possible they paint you white again?

Thing I've noticed is- she has apologised for her lash outs and for hurting me over nothing.

When she calms down, she tends to feel awful. In her words she was "devastated" she'd upset me.

I thought... that was a strong word! 8:-

Yet, the first time I am actually firm with her and not pandering-she has gone silent.

I suppose all I can do is leave her be?

I tried to be nice and say I don't label her crazy. Which is true. I believe she has BPD but isn't crazy. And I've never used that word to her

I guess I should have just ignored her accusations?

Do you find if you defend yourself or try to comfort a BPD- it doesn't work? They don't believe you and it's almost like they bait you to make you get angry at them?

[seeking balance]

How long does the silence last?

Is it possible they paint you white again?

Thing I've noticed is- she has apologised for her lash outs and for hurting me over nothing.

When she calms down, she tends to feel awful. In her words she was "devastated" she'd upset me.

I thought... that was a strong word! 8:-

Yet, the first time I am actually firm with her and not pandering-she has gone silent.

I suppose all I can do is leave her be?

I tried to be nice and say I don't label her crazy. Which is true. I believe she has BPD but isn't crazy. And I've never used that word to her

I guess I should have just ignored her accusations?

Do you find if you defend yourself or try to comfort a BPD- it doesn't work? They don't believe you and it's almost like they bait you to make you get angry at them?

You are on the undecided board - does this mean you are undecided about your own participation in the relationship?

[Diana82]

I don't know what's happening...

We had a fight 3 weeks back. Now she's ignoring me.

After her lash out, I said I'd leave her be for a while. But she then kept sending me these self destructive messages that I felt were baiting a response. I know... I have little control too!

It was hard to ignore her messages where she was playing victim. I'm slowly learning more about BPD. I want to be her friend.

But I don't know if she'll ever talk to me.

She deleted me off Facebook too. I didn't do anything to her except ask why she had avoided me before I went on holidays. She knew I had a Europe trip coming up but didn't want to see me and flaked.

I was hurt but went overseas thinking she was not interested.

When I got home- she wasn't as flakey and told me she misses me!

Naturally I was confused. So I questioned her about it. She flipped! And that's what started her rage :/

[Ironmanrises]

The silence lasts as long as you are being viewed through that distorted filter.

[Diana82]

Anyone else dealt with silence?

I understand no contact but this is just ignoring someone.

[seeking balance]

I'm slowly learning more about BPD. I want to be her friend.

But I don't know if she'll ever talk to me.

If I understand the answer to my question, you are not so much undecided, you are a stayer in a friend capacity - is this correct?

If so, how are you doing reading the lessons and practicing the tools necessary to be in a friendship with a pwBPD?

Naturally I was confused. So I questioned her about it. She flipped! And that's what started her rage :/

Being in relationship with a pwBPD means understanding our natural way of communicating may be triggering.  Learning how to properly communicate, boundaries and what I think is most important - understanding when to let things go, "do you want to be happy or right" are all skills you will want to learn to have a friendship.

While she is taking her break from you, are you doing some work on you to detach?  Have you considered therapy of your own?

[Diana82]

Hi,

Well I was really into her romantically before I went overseas on vacation. But after she avoided me and flaked, I assumed she was no longer keen. And we started to talk more like friends online.

I think I had accepted she wasn't into me. But nevertheless felt rejected.

So, when she told me she misses me, this was confusing.   she acted as if she never avoided me. I decided to confront her. This was the conversation online:

Me: hey, I'm going to be direct here. How come you told me you miss me after you've been avoiding me and flaking on me for so long? Seriously... what is that? I've tried to be friendly to you but Im just finding this all a bit strange"

Her: when did I avoid you? You mean when you called me a bipolar junkie? I've tried to be friendly too, even though half of your messages are insulting me over something. I do miss you. I miss going to theatre/movies/dinners with you and our conversations. What is it you want from me?"

Me: huh? I never called you a bipolar junkie! oh my god! And to me it was obvious you avoided me. You went from wanting to see me every second day and texting daily to being too busy to spare one hour and distant. I went overseas for almost a month and you didn't want to see me beforehand. I thought you were no longer interested. So now when you say you miss me, it's messing with my head. I don't want anything from you, I just wanted to ask"

Her: "this is melodramatic. I had a friends anniversary and it was a crazy time before you left. I have missed you and it's perfectly normal to miss someone you haven't seen in ages! I wanted to float the idea that I missed you to see if you felt the same. But you jump to conclusions and say things that cut!"

Me: "I don't believe I've ever hurt you... "

Her: "you seem to want all or nothing. You don't have to see someone everyday to be friends with them. And you don't have to label everything! Grr you have successfully made me angry today! That was obviously your intention. You love drama but I'm not interested"

And that's how our fight began... .

[Diana82]

This then lead to me calling her a few days later to clear up I never called her a bipolar junkie.

But this infuriated her. And now we are in a mess.

I feel like nothing I say will ever be good enough now.

I told her I don't label her crazy and she has a right to feel whatever she feels. And when I asked why she specifically sent the article to me, she was being patronising and rude to me.

I don't know what she wanted me to say by sending it. But I suspect, any response would not have been good enough.

I thought I'd change the subject, hence why i sent her a message about travel tips in South America.

But not sure now if that was the best way to communicate with her. Should I wait for her to come around? Or does this sound like painting me black?

I don't think we will ever be good friends, let alone date again. But I hope we can be friendly.

[seeking balance]

So, you want to be friendly with her, thus staying tools are necessary for you.

What have you learned from the lessons that you can use to work on you during this time she is taking away from you?

[Diana82]

Hi

I am still learning about BPD. A lot of it still bewilders me but I am trying to read up...

I know it's my weakness to be a fixer. Perhaps this is why we were attracted to each other subconsciously.

But I know I cannot fix her distorted thinking.

I don't honestly know how a friendship can even be possible if she keeps throwing false accusations at me... ? Telling me I hurt her with things I never said.

I can understand validation of their feelings. I can appreciate now that she feels things intensely. She was "devastated" she hurt me. That's her emotion.

And she feels defensive around me- that's just how she feels.

But what I can't grasp is... How do we deal with the false stuff? We can't just take abuse and apologise for things we never said?

[seeking balance]

How do we deal with the false stuff? We can't just take abuse and apologise for things we never said?

Boundaries... .what are yours?

Since this is the undecided board, what are you willing to tolerate in a friendship with her?  If she does these things, even if induced by mental illness, is this crossing your boundaries?

[Diana82]

Yes definitely. And she recently crossed the line again by sending me the article that I label her crazy and then making it out that I am a nuisance when I reply.

I told her I don't label her but she was almost laughing at me in her responses.

This is why I lost it and told her that other people's perceptions of her have nothing to do with me and that I'd has enough of being made to feel bad for the way others have treated her. And to focus her bitterness elsewhere. That was the most assertive I have been with her.

Normally, she fights back or responds at least saying " ok I understand".  So that's why her silence is weird...

And I suppose I felt guilty (not sure why!) so I sent her a follow up nice message a week later confirming I don't label her and hope she's ok.

She did cross the line and needed to know it. But whether or not that is going to help our friendship is yet to be known. I can only give us space now and know that I have tried to be nice but won't put up with abuse either.