Confused

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My marriage has been at a low point the last couple of months.  I had written about it before in earlier posts.  The last couple of month's, my wife has made a new "connection" as she calls it.  It has made her question if she really loves me.  We have started seeing a marriage counselor.  When that started I came to the realization that we had different goals in that, I wanted to work our marriage out, and she wanted to be able to remain friends after our marriage ends. 

Let me begin by saying, I am a very open minded person.  I really don't automatically shut anything out or disbelieve anything no matter how far out there it may seem.  But at the same time, I don't always believe it as well.  I guess I kind of stay indifferent and take what I can from it.  Well my wife is very spiritual.  She believes in angels, soul mated, ect.   I also am somewhat spiritual and religious, however, also believe in science.  I believe in a good mix of both I think.  Anyway, a while back (while we were still doing good and in a "up" period) She had started reading about "twin flames" which are spirits that are each other's equals and were made together before this life on earth and will continue to be together after this life as well.  To me it sounds a lot like soul mates, but I don't know I have not studied up on it.  But anyway, now after this new connection, she has changed her mind.  He is now her twin flame.  We are just soul mates, which according to her, you can have many soul mates who come into and out of your life at different times when needed.  I love how, everything just changes to suit "her needs".  Also, my wife works at a group home as a mental health technician.  So she works with a  lot of mentally ill people.  Well one of her consumers one day came to her saying she sees an angel with her.  Told her that the angel was there for the both of us, and for our marriage.  And that the spirit was my sister.  Weird part about that, is my mother was pregnant with a baby girl at one time and she had miscarried.  And the woman says that it is my sister's spirit.  And she told her never to leave me. Again, I don't know how I feel about all of that.  It sounds really nice and all, but I just don't know.  Well just tonight, my wife now says that the spirit she thinks now is that of one of her sponse's from AA.  And its not her grandfather its her sponse's.  And it is there for her sponsorship with AA.  Again, I just love how everything will just get changed to fit whatever she is feeling at the time. 

I had been extremely focused on making this marriage work.  We are going to a marriage counselor.  I have been going to Alanon (for friends and family of alcoholics).  I started readying Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Im beginning to feel like I really don't want this anymore.  Im just exhausted.  Im tired emotionally of the ups and downs.  Im tired mentally, and physically.  Im just tired.  We talk about in our alanon meetings that when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will make a change.  And I feel like im getting to that point.  But then of coarse something will happen that will bring me back to that place of loving her and wanting to be with her. 

I read on this website about different stages of a relationship with someone with BPD and it said how you have a hater phase towards the end.  And I feel like we are in that stage.  Anything I do, she will find something wrong with it.  If I clean everything up, do the laundry, ect.  I am doing too much and am enabling her.  But If I don't, I don't ever do anything.  My wife currently works midnight to 8 in the morning.  So our son who is 7 and autistic, I am the one who gets up with him everyday, gets him ready for school everyday, picks him up from school everyday except for 2 (because I am in class myself those days), makes him dinner every night, and puts him to bed every night.  Well the last 2 weeks, he has not done so well in school, as far as his conduct goes.  Well, my wife preceded to blame it all on me, saying I don't spend enough quality time with him, that I just go through the motions.  That really upset me.  I am the one that does everything with him because she is never there.  She is either at work, sleeping, or in AA meetings.  And I love AA, it really has turned her life around as far as her addiction.   So I hate to complain about that.  But then she has the nerve to tell me I don't spend enough time with our son?  I think since then, is really when I feel like I have had enough.  I still love her, I think I always will.  But I think Im just getting to that point where I have had enough.  I keep waiting for things to get better, but it seems like its just getting worse.  I don't know.  All the advice I keep getting is, just don't make any major decisions yet, give it time.  Which I have been, and is why I haven't left yet.  But I really feel like Im getting to that point though.  Im so frustrated.

She reads my expressions all the time and if I don't react exactly how she thinks I should, then come all the questions.  What's wrong with you?  Why are you being like that?  Yet this is normally coming right after she tells me something like, she loves me but is not in love with me anymore.  Or talking about her connection or something.  Like that's not supposed to effect me?  During one of our fights the other day, she got pissed told me she didn't love me and was confused as to what to do.  Then got pissed at me cause I wasn't comforting her.  She just told me she didn't love me and then wanted ME to be there for HER!  I just cant stand that.  I always have to be on my A game around her.  Its exhausting.  Our therapist has asked me what do I want in a relationship, which I always find hard to answer, but I know its not this.  I had read on this website I think about how, sometimes a person who is with a BPD person, will constantly chase that feeling that they had in the beginning.   And I feel like that's what I have been doing.  Im so lost.

Right now, I really am leaning towards leaving.  But then something will happen that will draw me back in.  I don't know anymore.  I know Im tired of feeling this way.

[Aburn4827]

My marriage has been at a low point the last couple of months.  I had written about it before in earlier posts.  The last couple of month's, my wife has made a new "connection" as she calls it.  It has made her question if she really loves me.  We have started seeing a marriage counselor.  When that started I came to the realization that we had different goals in that, I wanted to work our marriage out, and she wanted to be able to remain friends after our marriage ends. 

Let me begin by saying, I am a very open minded person.  I really don't automatically shut anything out or disbelieve anything no matter how far out there it may seem.  But at the same time, I don't always believe it as well.  I guess I kind of stay indifferent and take what I can from it.  Well my wife is very spiritual.  She believes in angels, soul mated, ect.   I also am somewhat spiritual and religious, however, also believe in science.  I believe in a good mix of both I think.  Anyway, a while back (while we were still doing good and in a "up" period) She had started reading about "twin flames" which are spirits that are each other's equals and were made together before this life on earth and will continue to be together after this life as well.  To me it sounds a lot like soul mates, but I don't know I have not studied up on it.  But anyway, now after this new connection, she has changed her mind.  He is now her twin flame.  We are just soul mates, which according to her, you can have many soul mates who come into and out of your life at different times when needed.  I love how, everything just changes to suit "her needs".  Also, my wife works at a group home as a mental health technician.  So she works with a  lot of mentally ill people.  Well one of her consumers one day came to her saying she sees an angel with her.  Told her that the angel was there for the both of us, and for our marriage.  And that the spirit was my sister.  Weird part about that, is my mother was pregnant with a baby girl at one time and she had miscarried.  And the woman says that it is my sister's spirit.  And she told her never to leave me. Again, I don't know how I feel about all of that.  It sounds really nice and all, but I just don't know.  Well just tonight, my wife now says that the spirit she thinks now is that of one of her sponse's from AA.  And its not her grandfather its her sponse's.  And it is there for her sponsorship with AA.  Again, I just love how everything will just get changed to fit whatever she is feeling at the time. 

I had been extremely focused on making this marriage work.  We are going to a marriage counselor.  I have been going to Alanon (for friends and family of alcoholics).  I started readying Stop Walking on Eggshells.  Im beginning to feel like I really don't want this anymore.  Im just exhausted.  Im tired emotionally of the ups and downs.  Im tired mentally, and physically.  Im just tired.  We talk about in our alanon meetings that when you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, you will make a change.  And I feel like im getting to that point.  But then of coarse something will happen that will bring me back to that place of loving her and wanting to be with her. 

I read on this website about different stages of a relationship with someone with BPD and it said how you have a hater phase towards the end.  And I feel like we are in that stage.  Anything I do, she will find something wrong with it.  If I clean everything up, do the laundry, ect.  I am doing too much and am enabling her.  But If I don't, I don't ever do anything.  My wife currently works midnight to 8 in the morning.  So our son who is 7 and autistic, I am the one who gets up with him everyday, gets him ready for school everyday, picks him up from school everyday except for 2 (because I am in class myself those days), makes him dinner every night, and puts him to bed every night.  Well the last 2 weeks, he has not done so well in school, as far as his conduct goes.  Well, my wife preceded to blame it all on me, saying I don't spend enough quality time with him, that I just go through the motions.  That really upset me.  I am the one that does everything with him because she is never there.  She is either at work, sleeping, or in AA meetings.  And I love AA, it really has turned her life around as far as her addiction.   So I hate to complain about that.  But then she has the nerve to tell me I don't spend enough time with our son?  I think since then, is really when I feel like I have had enough.  I still love her, I think I always will.  But I think Im just getting to that point where I have had enough.  I keep waiting for things to get better, but it seems like its just getting worse.  I don't know.  All the advice I keep getting is, just don't make any major decisions yet, give it time.  Which I have been, and is why I haven't left yet.  But I really feel like Im getting to that point though.  Im so frustrated.

She reads my expressions all the time and if I don't react exactly how she thinks I should, then come all the questions.  What's wrong with you?  Why are you being like that?  Yet this is normally coming right after she tells me something like, she loves me but is not in love with me anymore.  Or talking about her connection or something.  Like that's not supposed to effect me?  During one of our fights the other day, she got pissed told me she didn't love me and was confused as to what to do.  Then got pissed at me cause I wasn't comforting her.  She just told me she didn't love me and then wanted ME to be there for HER!  I just cant stand that.  I always have to be on my A game around her.  Its exhausting.  Our therapist has asked me what do I want in a relationship, which I always find hard to answer, but I know its not this.  I had read on this website I think about how, sometimes a person who is with a BPD person, will constantly chase that feeling that they had in the beginning.   And I feel like that's what I have been doing.  Im so lost.

Right now, I really am leaning towards leaving.  But then something will happen that will draw me back in.  I don't know anymore.  I know Im tired of feeling this way.

[momtara]

The indecision can wear you down.  We all have dealt with that.  You are not alone.

You can always make a list of things you really want to change, and then see if you can change the main ones.

I don't think any of us really want to leave a marriage, but sometimes a little distance allows us to breathe and remember what it's like to not be afraid.  So you will just have to figure out what it will take to leave, or stay.

[SweetCharlotte]

That's a lot of magical thinking you're describing on her part. Twin flames, soulmates, spirits . . . it's all mumbo-jumbo to justify her fluctuating feelings. I admire you for staying sensible in the midst/mist of all this.

[momtara]

To elaborate, there are some things we can put up with, and some we should not.  When you make your list, figure out how likely some of the things are to really change - including if you have to give an ultimatum or go to counseling.

Keep posting, and you will get more advice.

[maxsterling]

Wow.  You are dealing with quite a bit.  I admire you for hanging in there this far.

Unfortunately, this is the nature of the disease as I have experienced it.  Many parts of your post I could have written myself - the second to last paragraph almost word-for-word.  I'm not really in a place to give you advice, because I have yet to figure out what will work for me in my situation.

[Aburn4827]

Well the last couple of days have added lot of stress to the situation which may or may not be magnifying the situation, I'm not sure.  My son came down with pneumonia and was in the hospital.  As soon as I could get off work, I called my wife asked how things were and where in the hospital they were at so I could come up there.  She acted so surprised that I was coming, saying she is used to doing this stuff alone.  That totally blew my mind.  I have always been there in those situations if I could.  In fact there has been plenty of times where I was the one taking him to the doctor alone.  My son has autism, and has been in therapy (speech and occupational) since he was two till about 2 years ago.  At first we both went to his therapy sessions together, but over time, I was the one going by myself all the time.  Now this was before she got sober, so I kind of always used that as an excuse.  But she has been sober now for two years.  I don't know, I had been giving everything I had to making this work, but the last 2 weeks have really made me question do I want to keep doing this.  I honestly feel like, even if we make it through this, how long before this happens again?

[Ryyder]

I read on this website about different stages of a relationship with someone with BPD and it said how you have a hater phase towards the end.  And I feel like we are in that stage.  Anything I do, she will find something wrong with it.  If I clean everything up, do the laundry, ect.  I am doing too much and am enabling her.  But If I don't, I don't ever do anything.  My wife currently works midnight to 8 in the morning.  So our son who is 7 and autistic, I am the one who gets up with him everyday, gets him ready for school everyday, picks him up from school everyday except for 2 (because I am in class myself those days), makes him dinner every night, and puts him to bed every night.  Well the last 2 weeks, he has not done so well in school, as far as his conduct goes.  Well, my wife preceded to blame it all on me, saying I don't spend enough quality time with him, that I just go through the motions.  That really upset me.  I am the one that does everything with him because she is never there.  She is either at work, sleeping, or in AA meetings.  And I love AA, it really has turned her life around as far as her addiction.   So I hate to complain about that.  But then she has the nerve to tell me I don't spend enough time with our son?  I think since then, is really when I feel like I have had enough.  I still love her, I think I always will.  But I think Im just getting to that point where I have had enough.  I keep waiting for things to get better, but it seems like its just getting worse.  I don't know.  All the advice I keep getting is, just don't make any major decisions yet, give it time.  Which I have been, and is why I haven't left yet.  But I really feel like Im getting to that point though.  Im so frustrated.

I'm sorry you're going through this Mike

I've highlighted a point you made above as I'm wondering if this is the 'projection' I've heard about?

[Aburn4827]

I think that definitely might be the projection thing.