How to tone down these vivid memories?

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Hi All,

I’m in the middle of a post-pwBPD depression – well, he is almost my ex-pwBPD – struggling very hard to keep my head above the water. I’m managing gradually, step by step, day by day, knowing that it will probably take years to get over this.

What is so difficult to deal with, are the strong and vivid memories I have of my (great) times with him. I haven’t seen him for 9 months now, but it feels as if it was only yesterday. We were together for 6 years, lived separately, and I stayed at his house for half the week all these years. It has been as my own home. I can still feel the warmth of his stove, hear the sound of the curtains closing, feel his hand on my knee, smell the kitchen... .

All my time with him has been filled with emotions, which is probably why my memories are so strong and lively. Apart from the nasty BPD-stuff, I had so many great times with him. That is one of the many things I enjoyed about being with him so much: that we could deeply and endlessly enjoy things together: cooking and making great meals, parties with friends, even doing groceries.

Now there’s no-one to share these things with anymore, and I’ve lost a lot of friends and activities. I do try to rebuild my life, but as that takes a  lot of time, I’m still in a void. Which makes the memories come down even harder.

Yesterday I heard he will be going on a weekend to X, where we used to go... These weekends were Fabulous and we thoroughly enjoyed every minute of them. How can he even think of going there without me? Won’t he be having these memories about me all the time? Who will join him this time and to share these wonderful moments with? What will he tell our friends there?

I lay awake all night haunted by the memories of these weekends. Had heart beats, sort of panick attacks, drifted in and out of nightmares... .

So I thought it would be better to call in sick today, can’t concentrate at all, and ask you all for advice: any tips on how to work with these memories?

Thanks!

[Jonie]

Hi All,

I’m in the middle of a post-pwBPD depression – well, he is almost my ex-pwBPD – struggling very hard to keep my head above the water. I’m managing gradually, step by step, day by day, knowing that it will probably take years to get over this.

What is so difficult to deal with, are the strong and vivid memories I have of my (great) times with him. I haven’t seen him for 9 months now, but it feels as if it was only yesterday. We were together for 6 years, lived separately, and I stayed at his house for half the week all these years. It has been as my own home. I can still feel the warmth of his stove, hear the sound of the curtains closing, feel his hand on my knee, smell the kitchen... .

All my time with him has been filled with emotions, which is probably why my memories are so strong and lively. Apart from the nasty BPD-stuff, I had so many great times with him. That is one of the many things I enjoyed about being with him so much: that we could deeply and endlessly enjoy things together: cooking and making great meals, parties with friends, even doing groceries.

Now there’s no-one to share these things with anymore, and I’ve lost a lot of friends and activities. I do try to rebuild my life, but as that takes a  lot of time, I’m still in a void. Which makes the memories come down even harder.

Yesterday I heard he will be going on a weekend to X, where we used to go... These weekends were Fabulous and we thoroughly enjoyed every minute of them. How can he even think of going there without me? Won’t he be having these memories about me all the time? Who will join him this time and to share these wonderful moments with? What will he tell our friends there?

I lay awake all night haunted by the memories of these weekends. Had heart beats, sort of panick attacks, drifted in and out of nightmares... .

So I thought it would be better to call in sick today, can’t concentrate at all, and ask you all for advice: any tips on how to work with these memories?

Thanks!

[BuildingFromScratch]

This was the most difficult period for me. I cried, and suffered so much I thought about suicide quite a bit. Eventually the pain was so bad and my thirst for her so strong, that I took one of my most fond memories and tried to believe it existed somewhere beyond time, space, and the universe, somewhere spiritual, and that I had access to it. Also, I wrote a journal for a week or two, intended to be given to her. Messages of innocent love and pain filled this journal.

Also, you may just need to distract yourself some. Know that you can only face so much pain in a day. Be easy on yourself. This is a very difficult process. But it will pass. Hrm, maybe my suggestions weren't very helpful. Since I wasn't working... .

[Jonie]

Hi SuperiorOutlook, thanks for your suggestions - any advice is welcome!

Writing a journal is a good idea - did that, but stopped since I found this forum - but I will take it up again, thanks.

I'm very happy to have a job: bit boring in itself, but great distraction. For the past months, my strategy has been to build new memories. So I did a lot of things, even if I didn't have the energy or wish to, just to keep my life rolling. I know this will pay off in the end, but it doesn't help me now to numb or substitute my memories, as I'm not able to really enjoy anything yet. It is like breathing with only the upper part of your lungs - enough to stay alive, but having a deep breath and letting things sink in is just too painful.

Did the things you mention were enough to help you out of your misery? How long did it take you to start enjoying life again?

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Jonie, you're not alone in being haunted by memories of the good times. It is very much a loss for us, and like any other loss, we have to move through a period of grieving. Have you read this: The five stages of grieving a relationship loss. You can find a lot of what other members her felt and some of the things that helped them.

I agree that when there are strong emotions linked with our memories, they stand out vividly. However, the truth is that we live in the now, and the past is an illusion, something you can't grasp or live in except only in your imagination, and the imagination is not real, e.g. it's imaginary. You may find that practicing mindfulness can be helpful: Practicing mindfulness.

And there are sometimes we just need a good coping strategy. That can be something that is usually soothing or uses up some energy. Taking a nice bath or hot shower, popcorn and a favorite movie, going for a run or hike, preparing a favorite meal, something that just puts your head in a better place.

Hang in there, Jonie. You are strong enough to get through this even if you don't feel that way right now.  

[BuildingFromScratch]

It took me like 3-4 months to stop longing. But I was in a 12 year relationship and also had trouble facing all of my pain. I'm not really healed yet by any means. As my life is in shambles. But I don't long to be with her anymore. After I stopped longing, it was then confusion, anger and disbelief. And just last night and today did I have a sense of peace wash over me sometimes. Knowing that we were both misguided. That her disorder made it impossible for love alone to repair her. And that I deserved to be treated better. And more than anything, that I have so little power, especially over her. I can smile knowing that I was a fool for trying to be rational with something irrational. I love her as the mentally ill person she is and I keep hope for her, even after losing my identity and self esteem to the abuse I suffered. This whole process has taken about 6 months. Now I can finally start to heal, by rediscovering myself. I expect it to be a bumpy road as I still have some unresolved pain.

[Ironmanrises]

I have created 2 separate places in my mind where the nice/original side of my exUBPDgf resides in and where the other/mean side of her resides. When i combine the 2 into 1, it overwhelms me beyond reason. So to tone those memories down along with all the feelings associated, those 2 separate realms exist in my mind. It hurts me to visit either realm but the pain is far less intense then dealing with the combination. I do not recognize the combination of both as the person i encountered as my friend originally, years ago. It is a god awful, mean, disgusting and utter stranger that i have deep feelings for. A contradiction of the cruelest kind. I am 4+ months out in NC.

[Jonie]

Thank you all for your replies.

Hey, SuperiorOutlook, that was quick, only 3-4 months to stop longing? I will be happy if I can stop doing so in 3-4 years! Reading your post I think you’re on the right track, so keep it up!

Ironmanfalls, I think your story is probably different than mine, as my partner did some strange and nasty things almost from the start. I never had a period when all was well with him. Perhaps that’s why I can see the nice and the nasty as sides of the same coin – like icy mountain tops and pleasant sunny valleys are part of the same landscape.

LearningCurve, yes, there’s so much to read and learn on this forum. Great place for inspiration.

Maybe I need to look into the strategies used in PTST – anyone has any experience with that?

[Learning_curve74]

There are a number of forum members who've undergone treatment for PTSD. If they don't see your question here about it, feel free to start another thread topic asking specifically about it.

You'll get through this.