I told her that I felt it was hopeless - zero to 100 in 24 hours

[ugghh]

After 25 years of marriage and with the help of a great counselor I finally realized that all of my uBPDw threats of divorce were just that - threats to maintain the chaos, power and control for which she thrives.  She can live with misery forever, as long as everyone else around her is miserable.  Nope, done.

After attending a wake for an acquaintance last evening we went to dinner, where she kept trying to recycle.  She said that the widow had pulled her aside and asked how "we" were doing.  She said the widow told that she and her now dead spouse had 46 great years and that we should never give up.  I saw the signs of the recycle and realized that I could not go down that path anymore.  I began to vaguely tell her that I was really struggling with our relationship.  I realize now that in my desire to be gentle with her that I was not being direct, which of course is the wrong way to communicate with a pwBPD.  As her eyes began to get misty we left the restaurant and she asked me take her to a nearby store to pick up something and said she would walk home.  I offered to take her home to pick up her car but she would have none of it.  So I took her to the store and dropped her and of course waited outside for her.

When she exited 5 minutes later, she looked at me and started walking home.  Okay then, I have been down this trap a few times over the years where I follow her or I drive up the road a bit and get out and beg her to get in the car.  Not this time.  I drove home and packed a bag.  By the time I got back out to the car she had called 5 times and texted twice in full panic mode.  I offered to come pick her up to which she replied she had already called S18 to come get her.  I drove toward her route anyway to see that by that point she was 5 blocks from home.

I waited a few minutes and made my way back home and then we began THE conversation.  I finally had the clarity to know she will never leave or actually file for divorce.  Over the course of about 20-30 minutes she again tried to negotiate marriage counseling, and I again refused for 2 reasons.  First, MC will never work without her acknowledging the BPD elephant in the room.  Second and probably more important at this point, I realized that she needs to be the victim and to make me the villain.  Saying that she never gave up but that she asked and I refused to go to MC makes a story for her to lay out to her friends and family. 

With that the fireworks began.  She asked for my key to the house and her car. Gave her the car, kept the house.  She insisted I pack a bag and get out. I thought it would be mean to tell her that I already had packed one, so I packed another.  She called a couple times last night with more rages, then started off her day by telling D20 that she would not pay her tuition and to see me.  Sigh.  Next step was send me a nasty email that she could not get into the bank account, although I have shown her several times, so she called the bank and had all the passwords reset, including mine. 

Throughout the day more rage in calls and text and emails, but now I can smile because I realize I have detached.  Evening ended with her threatening to change locks and call police.Yes there will be pain and it will be messy to get through the divorce, but I see the light on the other side. 

[fromheeltoheal]

Good for you!  It sounds like that was a long time coming, and congratulations for taking the big step.  I'm sure you know a borderline goes through stages, seducer, clinger, hater; mine got especially caustic after I broke up with her, really just abandonment panic and shame turned around in her psyche and barfed all over me.  You've obviously known your wife a long time, and I hope the rages are just more of the same as you work through the logistics and the detachment.  Again, good for you!