He's gone 'cold' towards me - what's going on?

[Ryyder]

Brief history - we've been together 3 & a half years, we separated a few months ago and now live 4 miles apart. When we split up, thats when the symptoms of the disorder became very pronounced, suicide attempt/threats etc. When I finally discovered BPD everything made sense and we decided to reconcile and get the help we needed. He saw a crisis therapist last month who agreed he most likely has BPD, he saw another the week after who diagnosed hyperthyroidism and is doubtful he has BPD. She prescribed Mirtazapine/Remron and sent him on his merry way. Since starting the tablets he has said he feels the lowest he has ever felt. He says he's tired all the time, which is understandable; what I don't understand is his reaction towards me. He's gone 'cold' towards me. He's stopped initiating any kind of contact with me and when he does see me he's no longer affectionate. We haven't had sex since that first tablet (they are not supposed to have any effect on sex drive) when he normally can't get enough of me. I just get the feeling that he's avoiding me. All my alarm bells are ringing, loudly but I don't know why 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Does his emotions seem sedated or depressed?

Is it specifically towards you, or just life in general?

[Ryyder]

Does his emotions seem sedated or depressed?

Is it specifically towards you, or just life in general?

I haven't spent enough time with him to really work that out tbh; what I can say is he doesn't seem himself, he's definately much quieter than usual.

Other times he's behaved like this he's been hiding something, specifically an 'obsession' with another woman. I don't want to jump to conclusions so I'm trying to explore other possible reasons

[momtara]

Could be that he's trying to manipulate you? 

[Ryyder]

I don't know

I'm new to BPD and as much as I have lived with it and read about it I am still clueless about it 

What would he be trying to manipulate me into doing?

[Border_Lover]

What symptoms did you notice during the years of living together? I understand things have gotten a lot worse since he has moved out, but you would most likely still have had a lot of issues during the previous years if it was BPD.

[Border_Lover]

My apologies I have read your previous posts, I do see you have had your fair share of issues. Five months ago my uBPDgf moved away, and was very distant for three months. From everything I have gathered, she was over me, and when we broke up at the end it was forced by her, it feels very manipulative. We recycled two months ago, and the last month has been getting rocky again. I wish you the best of luck, it must be rough being in your position.

[momtara]

Maybe he is withholding affection to get you to realize how much you miss him?  Depends on whehter he did stuff like that during the relationship.

[Ryyder]

thank you for your replies. I'm still confused.

Do pwBPD tend to avoid you if they feel shame? For instance, if he's doing something he thinks I won't approve of would that make him not want to be around me?

Whats this push - pull I've heard of? Could this be whats happening?

[123Phoebe]

Push Pull = Engulfment/Abandonment fears.

When a person with BPD feels emotionally engulfed (too close for comfort), it's pretty common procedure to push the other person away.  When a person with BPD feels abandoned by the other person, here comes the pull cycle.  Push Pull, push pull, push pull to varying degrees.

It's very important to not get drawn into their reality, but to feel secure in our own, while understanding that BPD is a real disorder and is not going away any time soon.

As in any relationship, we're not always aware of what the other person is doing/thinking.  We have no control over another person, only ourselves.

I've had to ask myself if enough of my needs are being met to stay in this relationship?  Or do I feel used and abused?  If so, are my fears grounded in reality?  Mine or his?  And when I find myself thinking too hard (about him), it's time to step back and get in better touch with what I want.  What's lacking?  How can I meet my own needs?  Do these things fly in the face of what being in a relationship is all about? 

Essentially, asking myself the hard questions.

How do I feel when he goes cold?  What fears of my own are presenting themselves?  What can I do about it knowing that I only have control over myself?

How do you feel when he goes cold, Ryyder?  How can you soothe your own emotions without his input?  How can you be true to yourself?



 





   

[Ryyder]

123Phoebe, when he goes cold I feel afraid that he's up to something again.

If this were a normally functioning relationship, I wouldn't be worried about him needing 'space', it would be appropriate for two people who were not co-dependant (me) and pwBPD (him) to not be in constant contact. As it is, I am co-dependent and he gets obsessed with other women, which puts the fear of God into me. It's the lies I can't stand. If he were to come to me and say he needed space, or he'd become obsessed again, I could try and understand what's going on or leave. He can't risk me leaving so he just won't tell me what's going on with him and simply withdraws.

We made a loose arrangement, last week, to go and see a band tonight. I've not heard a thing from him about it since. He's stopped texting me his usual 'good morning' 'good night' messages this last few weeks and I've barely heard from him. An hour ago I got a text saying 'Morning babe hows u. What time are we going out tonight? Love u'.

I'm angry, I feel used. I feel unimportant, I feel resentful, I feel like the back-up plan... .meh!

[momtara]

Well, if he gets obsessed, it's going to be hard to stop that kind of trait.  However, do the women respond, or think he's creepy?  You may just have to compartmentalize and not think about it.  But there may be completely different things going on.

[Ryyder]

Well, if he gets obsessed, it's going to be hard to stop that kind of trait.  However, do the women respond, or think he's creepy?  You may just have to compartmentalize and not think about it.  But there may be completely different things going on.

He gets obsessed with needing validation, attention and acceptance. He's not interested in them sexually, although it does appear that way to the women and myself.

For some reason he's not interested in getting these things from me. I only feel needed when he wants something from me, be it sex, access to fun, going out with friends etc.

[Ryyder]

another small triumph 

I decided to ask him round to discuss whats been going on.

He came, even though he was apprehensive, understandably due to how our 'talks' have usually gone.

I practised active listening and validation and it worked. I understand how he's been feeling, why he's withdrawn and the result is we're going to watch the band tonight.

[momtara]

Yay!

Small steps.

[BelievenHope]

You asked:

":)o pwBPD tend to avoid you if they feel shame? For instance, if he's doing something he thinks I won't approve of would that make him not want to be around me?"

In my 5 years of experience with BPD, the answer to that question is ABSOLUTELY! Whenever my BPDbf does something he knows he should not have done, he is extremely distant. After doing a lot of reading (which I know you are doing and that is really great  ) and doing a lot of observing, I came to realize that his angry and distant behavior towards me is most likely because he realizes that he screwed up and is SCARED to death that I will find out and leave him. If he is the one being angry and putting me at a distance, in his mind I can't reject him because he already rejected me. So for me, strange distance and or anger with me when there is no reason often means he has done something he should not have done that could be offensive to me.

[momtara]

Yes.  Their shame can be so great that some of them even invent an alternate reality for what happened. 

[123Phoebe]

another small triumph 

I decided to ask him round to discuss whats been going on.

He came, even though he was apprehensive, understandably due to how our 'talks' have usually gone.

I practised active listening and validation and it worked. I understand how he's been feeling, why he's withdrawn and the result is we're going to watch the band tonight.

Hi Ryyder  

Sounds like, how he explained himself made sense to you... .  That you could really get where he was coming from, without side-stepping your own value.  That's great, and hope things continue to improve

Did you have a rockin' time last night?  How was the band?    

[Ryyder]

You asked:

":)o pwBPD tend to avoid you if they feel shame? For instance, if he's doing something he thinks I won't approve of would that make him not want to be around me?"

In my 5 years of experience with BPD, the answer to that question is ABSOLUTELY! Whenever my BPDbf does something he knows he should not have done, he is extremely distant. After doing a lot of reading (which I know you are doing and that is really great  ) and doing a lot of observing, I came to realize that his angry and distant behavior towards me is most likely because he realizes that he screwed up and is SCARED to death that I will find out and leave him. If he is the one being angry and putting me at a distance, in his mind I can't reject him because he already rejected me. So for me, strange distance and or anger with me when there is no reason often means he has done something he should not have done that could be offensive to me.

turns out my gut instinct was right. He'd lied about having seen his 'friend' again... .sigh

[BelievenHope]

I am sorry to hear that... .as you said, sigh

One of the lessons here that was most helpful to me was radical acceptance. I do not mean that you have to accept unacceptable behavior (such as contact with his "friend"... .you do NOT, but for me it meant really learning who my BPDbf is and accepting that. From there, lessons on boundaries are very valuable. Your statement earlier about hating lies is one I TOTALLY relate to.

[Ryyder]

I am sorry to hear that... .as you said, sigh

One of the lessons here that was most helpful to me was radical acceptance. I do not mean that you have to accept unacceptable behavior (such as contact with his "friend"... .you do NOT, but for me it meant really learning who my BPDbf is and accepting that. From there, lessons on boundaries are very valuable. Your statement earlier about hating lies is one I TOTALLY relate to.

I don't know how to enforce not lying with a man who is conditioned to lie 

Other than leaving  :'(