Break-through Insight: Infertility issues may be related to my abuse as a child

[MovingOnInMyLife]

I visit this message board because I grew up with a very cruel and abusive BPD mother. I was the blackened, scapegoat child and my mother terrified me. I had a horrendous childhood. It was a miracle I made it out alive.

Now I'm 39. I've been with my husband since I was 33 years old. We have wanted to start a family together. (Neither of us have children.) After 6 years of trying, and being unsuccessful at getting pregnant, we have pretty much resolved ourselves to the belief that we probably will not become biological parents. I'm working on being okay with that. (But I'm not here to really discuss that.) This leads me to sharing a break-through insight I have recently had: I think my infertility issues may be related to my abuse as a child.

A couple of years ago, I went to see an acupuncturist and Chinese herbalist to help with my infertility. (There are no physical reasons I haven't been able to get pregnant with my husband. And I was pregnant as a teenager a couple of times.) The acupuncturist asked questions about my life and background. We only talked for a few minutes but I did mention that I had a difficult childhood with an emotionally abusive and terrifying mother. Sort of nonchalantly, he asked if I thought my infertility could stem from a fear of becoming pregnant and becoming an abusive mother to my own future children. At the time, I was shocked. I had never thought of this and it seemed sort of outrageous. I don't remember what I said to him. But he must have planted a seed in my brain... .because I recently just remembered this exchange. And I feel like it might be true!

My "break-through moment of insight" occurred very recently. I have a sister with two children, age 13 and 10. My sister and her husband are going through some serious financial woes, and I have offered to have my sister's children come live with us (halfway across the country). The offer is for them to live with us for about 6 months to a year. My sister is thinking about the offer and considering it. Since I've never been a mother, I have been thinking a lot about what I need to do to prepare for them coming to live with us, along with thinking about what our home life will be. Family dinners, chores for the kids, stuff like that. And although I am excited at the idea, a sense of panic is slowly growing inside me. I find myself worried about whether I might lose my temper with them, and little worries come sneaking into my head; thoughts that are filled with shame about whether I might lose control the way my mother always did with me.

I really had no idea that I would be so worried and concerned about being abusive to my niece and nephew! Otherwise, I wouldn't have made the offer for them to come live with us. It wasn't until I was faced with the idea of becoming a full-time "mom" that I realized how very REAL my fear about parenting really is!

This has made me remember that incident with the acupuncturist. And on some level, I now feel that it really might be true: I might be somehow preventing myself from getting pregnant out of a very real fear of becoming a parent who abuses her own children (the way my mom did to me). I'm honestly shocked at this insight. And on some very deep level, I think I might have stumbled onto THE TRUTH.

Wow. I'm actually terrified about becoming a mom because I'm truly afraid I will be just like my BPD mom. This is a huge realization and insight for me!

Can anyone relate?

[GeekyGirl]

Wow. I'm actually terrified about becoming a mom because I'm truly afraid I will be just like my BPD mom. This is a huge realization and insight for me!

Can anyone relate?

I can absolutely relate. Although I didn't find out about BPD until after my son was born (and saw my mother treating him in a way that I didn't approve of), I was absolutely terrified that I will be the same type of mother that my mother is. That's what led me to therapy and this site.

I'll share with you what my T has told me repeatedly: you are not your mother. You're not wired the same way she is. You can learn good parenting skills; there are so many parenting books and resources out there.

And although I am excited at the idea, a sense of panic is slowly growing inside me. I find myself worried about whether I might lose my temper with them, and little worries come sneaking into my head; thoughts that are filled with shame about whether I might lose control the way my mother always did with me.

Keep in mind that no parent is perfect. Even my parenting role models (my mother-in-law and friends with older kids) have told me that they make mistakes and lose their patience occasionally. It happens. The difference (from what I've seen) is that healthy parents acknowledge their mistakes, learn from them, and teach their children that even parents are accountable for their actions.

Do you want children?

[MovingOnInMyLife]

Yes, I want children. But I haven't been able to get pregnant with my husband.

Thanks for your response. It helps to know other people can relate to my fears.

[DaughterofDD]

I was absolutely terrified that I will be the same type of mother that my mother is. That's what led me to therapy and this site.

I'll share with you what my T has told me repeatedly: you are not your mother. You're not wired the same way she is. You can learn good parenting skills; there are so many parenting books and resources out there.

The difference (from what I've seen) is that healthy parents acknowledge their mistakes, learn from them, and teach their children that even parents are accountable for their actions.

I concur with GeekyGirl on the above statements whole heartedly!  I still do find that my learned parental behavior (from her) will come to the surface first when faced with a challenging parent moment.  However, I have learned and know enough about this to be able to take a step back and sometimes do exactly opposite of what my mother may have done.

Parenting can be hard, but it's certainly not like our mother's made it out to be - I guess nothing really is.  I love my kids for who they are; I laugh at what they say and do; and I appreciate their differences from me.  As has been said many times, it is the hardest job you will ever love (sometimes harder than other times, but loads of fun too!).     

[Moonbeam77]

A very kind friend once told me since I was so worried about being a good mom that pretty much meant I was going to be a good one.  I have three children which I love very much.  Being a good parent is not the same as being a perfect parent because that just is not possible.  I have read lots of parenting books and have tried to incorporate the good characteristics I see in healthy families.  Also it is ok to ask for help.  There have been a couple of times I have felt overwhelmed and felt like I was going to lose control and yell at my kids because of how I was feeling that day.  I have then called my sister-in-law who brings over a gourmet coffee and just her presence makes it feel like it is going to all be ok.  My sister-in-law was physically abused at times by her mother and expressed your same concerns.  I told her not to worry, that I had her back and all she had to do was call and I would be over with a gourmet coffee for her in my hand. 

[Contradancer]

I was so terrified of being abusive that I said I didn't want children.  I ended up with three miscarriages.  Yes, I do have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which is a marker for diabetes in teens, but the early onset of Type 2 diabetes may also be from chronic stress.  Now, at the perimenopausal stage in my life, I wish I'd been able to heal enough to have had a child.  My very best wishes to you.

[sophiegirl]

I didn't want children as I too had a fear that I wouldn't love my kids, and having children in my life would be an awful burden etc. Then I had twins at 40. rest assured I have endeavoured to be the opposite parent than my mother has been, and I think you will find the same. If anything it has made me question so many times how my mother could have treated me (and still does) so badly, I would do anything for my kids, I am not my mother and I am sure you will find out you are not either. Good luck.

[MovingOnInMyLife]

Thank you all for the support and kind words.

[chickadee]

There is definitely a mind/body connection and I can attest to that because I've lived with a chronic pain condition for the past 23 years.  I have to avoid stress as much as I possibly can because it makes my pain level rise.  I have no trouble at all believing what you suspect about having trouble conceiving because of fear.  I am absolutely convinced that my pain condition was caused by being emotionally neglected and abused, and possibly even sexually abused by my own father.  Did you know that people who are abused throughout childhood have a greater risk of developing chronic pain conditions later on in life?

For what it's worth, I think you'll be fine with the kids.  I'm not saying it will be easy, but in my opinion, just the fact that you are here on this board shows you are serious about being a good guardian for your niece and nephew.  Geeky girl is right, no parent is perfect, but that's OK.  If you make a mistake with them, you'll realize it eventually and you will admit it and apologize for it.  It's actually good for kids to see their parents making a mistake once in a while, because it lets them know that they don't have to be perfect 100% of the time in order to deserve love, and they will learn the proper way to deal with mistakes, which is to admit to them and apologize.

[sophiegirl]

hey chickadee, I have cfs and fibro which came on suddenly when dealing with an emotional situation I was in, which I'm sure was as a result of being emotionally detached during my childhood. after 20 years I am heaps better now but still have relapses when in emotionally stressful situations

[MovingOnInMyLife]

There is definitely a mind/body connection and I can attest to that because I've lived with a chronic pain condition for the past 23 years.  I have to avoid stress as much as I possibly can because it makes my pain level rise.  I have no trouble at all believing what you suspect about having trouble conceiving because of fear.  I am absolutely convinced that my pain condition was caused by being emotionally neglected and abused, and possibly even sexually abused by my own father. 

Thank you for this. I truly believe that might be why I have been unable to get pregnant. I believe in the mind/body connection as well and do a lot of following of Louise Hay's work on this very subject.