Dealing with Anger.

[bruisedbattered]

Hi BPD family,

     Ive been NC with my exBPDgf, and almost 2 months since I "broke up" with her... .although no real closure of course.   She brought out the monster in me, and since the day she raged and attacked me, ive been  super sensitive to all forms of confrontation/aggression no matter how minute it may seem to other "normal people".   I have an extremely short fuse these days, and it doesnt help that I work as a collections agent for a bank.  I deal with "fantastic" people day in and day out... .       Anyway, I was wondering if you have any strategies to dealing with anger that dont involve throwing away $$$ on therapy.    I dont believe in therapy, besides dont have the disposable income to spare on it... .   So far ive been relying on alcohol, friends' ears...    look forward to hearing from any of you with advice, or who are in similar situations.    Cheers, BnB.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was in exactly the same place for months, and in some ways still am, although I've learned a few things.  First of all, anger is a natural and healthy response to abuse, and once we disconnect from the pathology and get our feet on the ground a little, we start to remember all the sht that went down and it pisses us off.  REALLY pisses us off; I wanted to kill the fcking bhit.

I also learned that alcohol doesn't help and can be very risky; if the wrong person had crossed my path after a few drinks I would be in jail without question.  Plus one of the after effects of a heavy drinking adventure is irritability, since alcohol is a depressant and once it leaves our system it overreacts and becomes hypersensitive.  Been there done that, and although there was a time when that felt like the best, simplest, easiest option, it thankfully ran its course with no jail time.  Whew!

There's a benefit too though.  I've always been relatively passive and put other people's needs ahead for my own, classic people pleaser, but the rage helped me break out of that.  Aggressive, better than passive but not as good as assertive, showed up in a big way, I don't take sht from anyone anymore, which is a good thing.  Of course standing up for yourself but also burning a bridge doesn't create win-win situations, granted some bridges need to be burned, but healthy assertiveness is the next step, and at least I'm taking steps.

So what works?  I've found exercise is probably the best thing; go get a great workout in, get an endorphin buzz going, take a shower, and sleep better and all of life seems better.  And watch the caffeine and any other stimulants like nicotine, avoid the booze, and if worst comes to worst, beat the sht out of a pillow or something else that won't care.

Anger is only a step though.  Anger is almost always a secondary emotion, and it's what's underneath that is the real issue.  For me it was sadness and hurt, someone I gave 110% to, just trying to love her, beat the sht out of me, and it just isn't fair.  It's important to feel that hurt all the way; the only way out is through.  And for me it snowballed into regrets and frustrations at myself for all kinds of indiscretions in the past, some many years old, that I had thought I'd dealt with but apparently just repressed.  So that's the gift of my time in borderline hell; life seems entirely different now, my priorities have changed, and getting all the bullsht out, with her and everyone else, is making me feel lighter and freer.

Hallelujah!  It's a brand new day.  Take care of you!

[bruisedbattered]

Yeah, it all makes sense... .I quit smoking cigarrettes 3 weeks ago today, not sure if the withdrawl has helped or not though... .     Im also looking at going back to gym and getting into training again, but its just so much easier falling into the bottle... .   How long have you been out of the BPD r/s?     Do you still drink?     Ive also been very close to sending people to hospital, but wont get into details...

BnB.   

p.s.   all physical wounds healed

[fromheeltoheal]

Yeah, it all makes sense... .I quit smoking cigarrettes 3 weeks ago today, not sure if the withdrawl has helped or not though... .     Im also looking at going back to gym and getting into training again, but its just so much easier falling into the bottle... .   How long have you been out of the BPD r/s?     :)o you still drink?     Ive also been very close to sending people to hospital, but wont get into details...

BnB.   

p.s.   all physical wounds healed

I left her a little over a year ago, and the first few months I was either losing myself in work or binge drinking, 6 or 7 drinks per adventure.  I don't recommend it, but it was what it was.  I'm almost entirely detached at this point, and show up on this site to help people, not deal with issues surrounding my ex, I don't think about her much and when I do it's a memory with almost no emotional content.  I still enjoy a couple of glasses of wine with dinner on the weekend, and for me it's the intent not the chemical.  The binge drinking was to escape; I don't need to escape anymore, in fact life is getting really good, and going out and socializing with people, enjoying company and connecting, over good food and good wine, is not only not a problem it's very healthy. 

[Learning_curve74]

Hey BnB, I just want to say that you aren't alone. Many of us are feeling bruised and battered too. 

I agree with heal about alcohol abuse. It IS a way to self-soothe in that it alters our perceptions because alcohol is a mind-altering drug. The first weekend after I kicked my exBPDgf to the curb, I went out with friends, got drunk, and the only thing I could see on my personal horizon was f**kin' or fightin', but luckily my friends were there looking out for my well-being otherwise I would've slept with any woman who looked at me the right way or fought with any man that looked at me the wrong way.    Alcohol lowers our inhibitions and is a depressant too, so an extremely dysfunctional way deal with our problems.

Exercise is definitely a great way to help cope with negative emotions, not just anger. Like heal said, usually we can dig deeper and see what's under our anger and it's often sadness, frustration, feelings of not being good enough, whatever feeling it is. Men are expected to be tough and hard, so all our emotions get funneled into anger because that's the one emotion that is considered acceptable for a "real man" to express, the other emotions are for "pansies" but in reality that's absolutely false.

I was discussing mindfulness with another member on the Leaving board, and that might be something that can be a useful tool in dealing with anger. Here are a couple workshops that you can look at: Practicing mindfulness--how do you do it? and TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind. We have attachments not only to people but also to the way we think things should be. Just as we can recognize that some people are not healthy for us, we can also recognize some thoughts are not healthy for us either. One way to cope is by living truly in the present, and to fully inhabit the present, we also need to slow ourselves down to fill it up. Sorry if that sounds too new age, but it really can work wonders.

Journaling can be a method of self-therapy. Write whatever you feel like every day whenever you need to into a journal. If nobody but you will ever see it, then you are truly free to express everything you need to get out. The physical act of writing everything out then seeing your own words in black and white is a lot different from mulling over the same thoughts in your head.

Also don't underestimate the value of friends. Like I said earlier, if it wasn't for friends, I would've f***ed myself up worse than I already was. We humans are social beings, so the connections we enjoy with other people can go a long way towards our healing and our well-being in general. It can help in other areas like exercise which is harder to duck out on if you are doing a group exercise like team sports or crossfit or whatever. Any time I miss a group outing, my friends give me a lot of crap which is a good thing.