If you move with her to a new place, how long until this happens again? It's happened before several times, right?
At some point you have to be able to break the cycles in order to have real change.
When she was looking I made a mistake and said I would be suportive if there were opportunities for me. I emphasised that I like my job and it woud have to me similar to what I do and what I make
There's nothing wrong with setting a hard boundary and telling her you want to stay where you're at.
I was tryign to be reasonable when I said I would be supportive and it would have to include me in the process not just an opportunity for her. Thats how its always been for us. Its either fo rme or for her. We have never had it were we both had a career.
How far has getting reasonable gotten you when trying to deal with her? What you see as reasonable she sees as loose boundaries, to be pushed against until she gets her way.
Also, I smell words placed in your mouth (the part about only 1 of you being able to have a career at a time), said by her and repeated by you? Justifications that are used to avoid the truth, which is conveniently posted later in you same paragraph:
I guess I would say mostly its been she has not. I don't think its because of anythign but BPD that has made that be the reason for her. She can look back on a job she hated at the time and say "should have stayed there".
She sabotages herself due to her behavioral instability. The truth is there IS opportunity for her where you are, and where you've been in the past. But she is unable to take advantage of that opportunity, which is on her, not you.
Reasonable, normal, healthy people can understand and deal with "if-then" type statements. They understand how things can be conditional and can change. In the black-and-white world of BPD, however, there is no change. Things are or they aren't. There's no conditional, no room for "if-then" flexibility. Things are too rigid in their thinking. Responding to them in ways that require them to understand something as it's intended, i.e. more complex, conditional, and flexible, is not going to work. They need to be dealt with in more simple fashion.
I got the email this morning informing me I am holding her back and itsa not fair that I am saying to her I will need somethign for me.
Engage guilty reaction. She's lying to you and trying to make you believe it by guilting you.
And that I need to take "whatever" so this can happen. She will not go it without me.
It's all about her, and you need to make it all about her is the message. She's trying to tell you that you are obligated to her even if it means you get hurt.
And that means if I am not 100% on board I am 100% against and sabataging it every atep of the way. Her exact words "You had better do this because you said you would."
All she's capable of is yes you will or no you won't. She can't think more flexibly than that. It's part of her disorder. Expecting her to do different is like expecting her to sprout wings and fly. There's also an implied threat of punishment if you don't comply. Engage fear reaction.
It's was hard for me to break it down and see it through the FOG when I was going through this. That's why I'm breaking it down like I see it based on what you write. In the end, it's all hogwash. It stops when you set your boundaries and step out of the cycle and change your own behavior towards her. You don't have to treat her bad, angry, mean, etc. You can still do loving things for her, you can still speak to her with compassion, respect, and understanding. However, this doesn't change until you change your part. It takes two to go through the abuse cycle, and all it takes to end it is for one person to step out of the cycle and change their own behavior.
