Scared of reaction to legal agreement re separation & visitation rights

[Matt]

My then-stbX came to my house when I was traveling.  My adult son was living there.  She told him she needed my younger son's homework, but that wasn't true - my younger son had his homework with him.

She came into the house and went from room to room, looking through stacks of papers, presumably looking for stuff she could use in the financial part of the divorce.

When I found out about it, I talked to my lawyer, and he said to write her an e-mail, and copy him:  ":)o not come to my home without my permission."  Just that - no reference to what had happened while I was gone.  He said, if she does it again after getting that note, I could get a Order Of Protection (restraining order).  He also talked to her lawyer, and told her what had happened, and asked her to advise her client.  That was that - didn't happen again.

You might try the same - talk to your lawyer, then send a very simple note:  ":)o not come to my home without my permission." or something like that.  Your lawyer can ask his lawyer to advise him, "You better not violate that, or you'll be on the wrong side of the law."

[Kayvee]

My suggestion would be, you've made a proposal, so just let it be.  No need to argue about it - you or your lawyer.  Tell your lawyer, "Tell him if he makes a written counter-proposal we will consider it, and say good-bye, and hang up.  No more than 5 minutes max - I'm done paying you to argue with him."

Everything in writing.  If he makes a counter-proposal, read it and respond in a timely way, in writing - within a day or two if you can.  Your response could be, "Thank you for your counter-proposal.  I have read it and consider it.  I will stick with my proposal of [date]."  Make sure every proposal you make has a date on it - he has to accept it by then or it expires - one or two weeks.

Find out how to move the process forward and take those steps.  Where I live, the key is to file a motion with the court to get a trial date set - usually a few months in the future.  That puts an end to the process.  Then prepare for trial as if you're going to trial on that date.  Tell your lawyer not to agree to any delays without your approval.

The other party usually softens up shortly before the trial date - maybe only a few days before.  Then is when the real solution happens.  The better your preparation for trial, the better settlement you will get.

Thanks everyone great advice. This message board is a saviour. I saw my counsellor this afternoon and she told me she has a client who has been in this process with a BPD ex for six whole years! I don't think I heave the stamina for that.

I like the advice of he has a proposal leave it at that til he counters and it is true I don't want to pay a lawyer to read his rants. I am going to ask her to save up his emails that mean nothing and not even forward them to me until there is something to action. The costs will be astronomical otherwise

As my son is only a baby, just a year old. Im in Australia and the age appropriate visit length is not a whole day at this point, just a few hours so that is why I proposed taking him to the family party for a few hours so his whole family could enjoy some time with him.

My counsellor said don't rush it all and without his counter proposal I am right to just act in accordance with what I have outlined.

As he often threatens to just turn up she has also suggested I go to the local police station and mentions it, not as a report but just to have it on file. Dd any of you guys do this and was it helpful?

her approach is to be proactive and start a paper trail, not wait for something to go wrong.

Thanks again! 

[livednlearned]

As he often threatens to just turn up she has also suggested I go to the local police station and mentions it, not as a report but just to have it on file. Dd any of you guys do this and was it helpful?

her approach is to be proactive and start a paper trail, not wait for something to go wrong.

Thanks again! 

I think this is a good idea.

[Matt]

As he often threatens to just turn up she has also suggested I go to the local police station and mentions it, not as a report but just to have it on file. Dd any of you guys do this and was it helpful?

her approach is to be proactive and start a paper trail, not wait for something to go wrong.

Thanks again! 

I think this is a good idea.

Yeah, me too.  The police are more likely to take you seriously when something happens if they know you a little.

[Kayvee]

Thanks I will do it then. I think it would be good to know the police are around over Christmas and you are right they will respond better if some form of background has been given.

I know it sounds ridiculous but part of me is still shocked at the level of dramas - lawyers, police. I have always been one to believe that communication and talking it out could solve anything. Until now!

All of his dialogue is a about his rights as a father and what is right for him. He never factors in our sons rights as a baby boy!

The comment that he has less power than he thinks and I have more than he wants me to realise is very true. That really resonated with me.

And it is true that if he arrives uninvited to my family Christmas as awful as it is I will politely ask him to leave and will then call the cops. I guess it will all form part of the paper trail at the end of the day.

One worry I do have is that as I am seeking supervised visits - when I take my son to my Exs family Christmas celebration I will be leaving him there for two hours.

During that time he may get overwhelmed and I'm wondering what would happen if my BPD ex decided to take him for a walk to calm him down?

My Exs sister is fully aware of all of the problems her brother has and is supportive of me. I'm thinking I should ask her to be the one to please make sure this doesnt happen. That if the baby is upset due to all the people that she take him away for some quiet time.

It is hard with such a young bubba  

Thanks again everyone. You are an amazing bunch of people and the advice here is just gold. Things friends tell me I just know wouldn't ever work or they just don't understand what it is like trying to reason with a BPD. It truly is like wrestling smoke. In fact maybe wrestling smoke is actually easier!

[livednlearned]

One worry I do have is that as I am seeking supervised visits - when I take my son to my Exs family Christmas celebration I will be leaving him there for two hours.

During that time he may get overwhelmed and I'm wondering what would happen if my BPD ex decided to take him for a walk to calm him down?

My Exs sister is fully aware of all of the problems her brother has and is supportive of me. I'm thinking I should ask her to be the one to please make sure this doesnt happen. That if the baby is upset due to all the people that she take him away for some quiet time.

I think this is important -- let's help you think through this.

If you are asking for supervised visits, you think he is seriously incapable of caring for your son. Then you offer him to take care of your son for 2 hours. That could send a mixed message to the court.

The compromise is that you consider your ex's sister to be supervisor material. The downside is that it puts her in a very difficult position. Also, I have a uBPD brother and that arrangement would've been disastrous. He would not have respected my authority, and would've tested me. This arrangement is something you need to talk to her about, and find out how she feels about it.

So the alternative is that you revoke the offer until there is a formal visitation schedule. Or you put something in writing to him, saying that you consider the family event one that involves enough appropriate supervision.

In the future, don't feel guilty if you do not offer additional time. At least when the custody case is open and active. Court is screwy that way. On one hand, we need to protect our children. On the other hand, we need to support a positive relationship with the other parent. It's not an easy balancing act. Since you are asking for supervised time, then you need to make a case for protecting your son from his dad. Everything else comes after that.

There will be many more opportunities in the future to negotiate these types of events. And you can also make an effort to connect your son with his grandparents and aunt, without involving your ex, if that's what you think is right.

[Matt]

Why do you think supervision is needed?

Are you concerned that he could take the child and not come back?