A new week

[damage control]

I was going to start this post by saying that this had been one of toughest weekends yet. But this is not true.

They have all been extremely tough - even the ones where he is here and not at the replacement's house have been hell. Last weekend was a nightmare.

When he is with her I torture myself with dumb thoughts. When he is here with me (well, at home rather than with me) ... I watch him sitting or lying close by me and I torture myself with thoughts that all he has to do is reach out and touch me ...

I can't win.

He came home yesterday afternoon - didn't stay the whole weekend with her ... .when I saw him, I got the 'feeling' that something was up with him ... my mind ran away with me and began to hypothesise that things had gone wrong with the new woman ... .

When we talked - about an hour later ... it became quite clear that not only was nothing wrong with him ... he was in a great mood ... .and so my mind ran away with me ... .

He is completely obsessed with the stuff going on in this house - convinced that the main tenant couple hate him ... he is calling tenant advisory services etc ... and is keeping a text diary about the 'stuff' that happens ... nothing is really that bad ... the guy in question is a bit of a nightmare to be around but really ... not that big a deal. My ex keeps a pot of cold water outside for his celery (part of his OCD is to eat the same thing every day for lunch ... every goddam day) ... .he is convinced that the main tenant is urinating in the pot/water ... it's insanity! He thinks the couple 'hate him' ... and they don't ... I don't think they like him much but they don't hate him ... it's ridiculous.

It's all he wants to talk about ... how he is going to report them, take them to court for slander (they said that when they had visitors a few months back the ex spent the whole night staring at the women's breasts - which he probably did - he thinks this can be used a basis to sue the couple.

Crazy ... crazy ... crazy ... .

The funniest part?

We were in his room watching some videos and he started looking NPD, telling me that he is 'positive' that the guy has a personality disorder ... now, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle dysfunctional ... aye carumba.

This morning I contemplated not going to work ... when I am at work and away from all of this I feel completely OK ... I have wobbly moments, but I am OK ... so why I would even consider spending another day here when I don't have I don't know.

I need a plan ... a plan with multiple facets ... .

I need to face up to the last remnants of my feelings for this man and really examine them because they are based upon a false premise - even sitting with him talking now is a stark reminder that he is gone ... replaced with a meme.

If I don't get moving, I will be stuck in this lifeless, sexless limbo forever ... and I may not have the strength to move on but I don't have the capacity to sit still anymore ... .there is nothing here for me.

[myself]

DC, sorry for what you're going through. We all deserve better. If there is nothing there for you, why stay? Move on with your life. Many times when we are faced with a change like this, we don't have it all worked out before we go. Because we're stuck. Getting ourselves into a healthier state of mind will help us find what we need to do next. You'll be stronger then, and will make better choices. Focusing so much on someone else's problems can keep us from dealing with our own. Where do you see yourself a year from now? Where would you like to be? How are you going to get yourself there?