Why do I project anger?

[huhhuh]

My first topic in Personal Inventory. I hope I post the right place.

I have realized that I'm projecting the anger I have against my ex towards everything else. I project it towards my former girlfriends (one of my posts here was about that) But also towards myself, other people, my country. my family, my childhood

It's very very hard for me to actually feel angry at my exNPD. Why is that?

Is it because I loved her so much?

Is it because I'm used to walking on egg shelves?

Any ideas?

[Surnia]

Hi huhhuh

Yes, its the right place. 

I can only talk about my experience with anger. For me it is much more difficult to express anger with loved ones. Much easier with not so nice co-workers or institutions. I have difficulties to accept my anger anyway and with loved ones I fear, if I express it they are going away from me, I will lose their love.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was really pissed at my borderline ex when I left her, in fact that anger was so strong it helped me stay clear long enough to get my feet on the ground a little, which was mandatory.  But over time I began to see that she was just treating me the way she'd been treated growing up, her whole life is hell, and I began to see her as a sick person and not a bad one.

But like you my anger expanded and snowballed to everything, pissed off all the time, ready to kill people.  With time that waned a little, and actually ended up being a good thing; this classic people pleaser has always put other people's needs first and ignored my anger, turns out I was just repressing it, and my borderline uncorked that, and out it came.  I'm now standing up for myself better than I ever have, and although aggression is better than passivity, it's not as good as assertion; I'm getting there, and any progress is good.

So detachment is a process and anger is a natural response to abuse.  It will wane with time, a good hard workout takes the edge off, and try to find some value in it, there's probably some there.  Take care of you!

[Clearmind]

huhhuh, I can only speak from personal experience.

My displaced anger had much to do with how I was permitted, or not permitted to express anger as a child.

Expressing anger was something I was not taught to be OK with - in a safe and validating environment. Its so critical for young children to have their emotions validated by their parents.

I'm not sure if this rings any bells for you huhhuh - certainly true for me. I still have some issue expressing anger and it can come out all passive aggressive - I'm working on it. Certainly what helped me is learning about boundaries and how to express myself via strong boundaries before I get to that anger stage where I sense I'm angry because I feel powerless.

We are not powerless - we just need the tools and self worth to set strong boundaries and be let it be OK.