Need some quick advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Last night, my stbxuBPDw went into a rage over my son's upcoming birthday party.  She is his step-mom.  I am having my family over for his birthday and was letting her know in advance - she informed me that my family is not welcome "in her home" (I gently reminded her that she hasn't been paying for the home and it is in both of our names... .).  After threatening to make the day miserable and call the police if my family showed up, she then later on that night reminded me once again that I was not to have anyone over to the house for my son's b-day party.  When I asked what she was planning, she sickly looked at me and said "wouldn't you like to know"... .then proceeded to say "if I were you, I would not have them over" while she just smiled at me... .

She's almost always all bark and no bite - her typical "bite" is to do something very childish like tear up a card you made for her in front of you.  However, this kind of concerns me - we have probably another 2 months of living together until the divorce is final, but should I maybe be calling the police and  getting a restraining order?  She's one to push boundaries for sure and I'm pretty positive that's what this is, but just in case... .the look on her face made me more than a little uncomfortable.

Advice?

[ts919]

Last night, my stbxuBPDw went into a rage over my son's upcoming birthday party.  She is his step-mom.  I am having my family over for his birthday and was letting her know in advance - she informed me that my family is not welcome "in her home" (I gently reminded her that she hasn't been paying for the home and it is in both of our names... .).  After threatening to make the day miserable and call the police if my family showed up, she then later on that night reminded me once again that I was not to have anyone over to the house for my son's b-day party.  When I asked what she was planning, she sickly looked at me and said "wouldn't you like to know"... .then proceeded to say "if I were you, I would not have them over" while she just smiled at me... .

She's almost always all bark and no bite - her typical "bite" is to do something very childish like tear up a card you made for her in front of you.  However, this kind of concerns me - we have probably another 2 months of living together until the divorce is final, but should I maybe be calling the police and  getting a restraining order?  She's one to push boundaries for sure and I'm pretty positive that's what this is, but just in case... .the look on her face made me more than a little uncomfortable.

Advice?

[david]

Can you have the party at your family instead. Eliminate her totally from any drama and focus on your son.

[ts919]

David - I certainly can, and I am planning on it as well.  Just for safety sake and for the sake of my son - no need to call her on her bluff on this one

I guess I'm more concerned about the threatening tone; regardless of the party.  She was definitely trying to insight fear in me and come across like she may do something crazy.  Is it overkill to get a restraining order?  She's made it clear that she won't be leaving the house until she absolutely has to (I will be keeping the house in the divorce since she can't afford it on her own) and is currently refusing to pay for anything bill related as well.  On one hand, I don't want to get the police involved unless I absolutely have to, but on the other hand, she may have just given me a great opportunity to get her removed. 

[marbleloser]

You're doing the right thing by changing the location. In the end,it's what's best for the kids.

You did have your recorder running when she made these threats,btw,right?

[ts919]

You're doing the right thing by changing the location. In the end,it's what's best for the kids.

You did have your recorder running when she made these threats,btw,right?

I agree Marble - it's not worth the risk.  She is my son's step-mom and he's quite used to the hit and miss with her being at certain events.

Unfortunately I was unable to get the threats recorded... .which really sucks.  I'll be prepared tonight though - she's on a role and I don't think this rage is going to stop any time soon with it being the holidays and all. 

[marbleloser]

Good job! 

Always record! Always,when in the presence of the stbx. You see now why it's vital.

[slimmiller]

If she is having to leave the house and she is aware of this, be VERY careful and protect yourself! She will in all likelyhood become even more disregualted and unstable. They get to the point they may do something totally stupid out of desperation to paint you bad.

I would definitely have the birthday for your son elsewhere. It weakens any influence she would have if you elect to have it at the house with her present

Have you read "Splitting"? If not, you should.

I m not trying to alarm you but just be careful. The odds of 'them' fabricating and drumming up false charges in order to gain some sort of control is not unheard of. Even if she has to cut and bruise herself to make it stick.

[livednlearned]

Holidays + impending divorce + BPD + her being excluded from a family gathering she doesn't want to happen = high chance of fireworks. Also, 2 months is a long time to live with her if she completely dysregulates.

I agree with the others that moving the party somewhere else is a good, and so is recording everything.

It's really hard to predict what a BPD sufferer will do, but there are certainly enough elements for concern here. Better to err on the safe side.

[ts919]

Thanks for all the advice folks!  I'm definitely going to be erring on the safe side here and just move the party to a relatives house.  As much as I want to call her bluff, my son's b-day party is not the time to do that

She's come back down again to her "nice" self... .I could see it last night and this morning.  After every major dysregulation episode she comes back down and starts doing these really silly, what I like to call, "suck up" moves.  There was a therapy apt card conveniently out on the table for me to see last night when I got home, a small gift for my son (keep in mind she has no money to pay bills... .?), that sort of stuff.  I can't wait for this to be over! 

On a side note, scheduling a therapy apt for 2 months from now and buying my son a cheap set of stickers totally makes up for threatening to call the cops, harm my family and ruin my son's b-day party! 

Right... .