Unfinished Business

[Tincanmike]

I have come to a decision today that one of the major issues I'm dealing with is accepting that I was trying to fix her. And maybe for selfish reasons. I think I always wanted to take someone out of the depths of despair and make them better. I seemed to be attracted to needy women. Maybe because I didn't want to be rejected. I always had issues with approaching women and when I first met her she made it easy. I really didn't have to work on it at all. 

In time she gradually opened up with me about her past and I instantly wanted to help her, to give her what she needed, and to fix her.  I struggled to do this for eight years.

Now that we are separated and she has moved on to others, I still feel like I didn't complete my original goal. To fix her.  I always knew she had issues, but only recently realized that it could very well be BPD. Now I am coming to terms with the fact that there would never be any fixing and there never will be. From myself, from her family, from the new replacement.  The issues in our relationship weren't just hers. I came into this relationship with my own. Going through all of this has forced me to face some of my own inner-demons. And truly I am becoming more grateful for this everyday. Peace be with you all, we deserve it!

[seeking balance]

I have come to a decision today that one of the major issues I'm dealing with is accepting that I was trying to fix her. And maybe for selfish reasons. I think I always wanted to take someone out of the depths of despair and make them better. I seemed to be attracted to needy women. Maybe because I didn't want to be rejected. I always had issues with approaching women and when I first met her she made it easy. I really didn't have to work on it at all. 

In time she gradually opened up with me about her past and I instantly wanted to help her, to give her what she needed, and to fix her.  I struggled to do this for eight years.

Now that we are separated and she has moved on to others, I still feel like I didn't complete my original goal. To fix her.  I always knew she had issues, but only recently realized that it could very well be BPD. Now I am coming to terms with the fact that there would never be any fixing and there never will be. From myself, from her family, from the new replacement.  The issues in our relationship weren't just hers. I came into this relationship with my own. Going through all of this has forced me to face some of my own inner-demons. And truly I am becoming more grateful for this everyday. Peace be with you all, we deserve it!

This post is very wise and true for most folks here... .we do tend to get something from these relationships that fills a void in us.

Gratitude is a wonderful practice - thank you so much for sharing.

Peace,

SB

[heartandwhole]

Great insights, Tincanmike, thanks for sharing!   

I seemed to be attracted to needy women. Maybe because I didn't want to be rejected.

Yes, if she needs you, she is less likely to leave you.  I have felt/done that in my relationship, too.  I didn't believe that I could be loved just for being myself.  I thought I had to "earn" it by becoming indispensable to the other person.  But it was all about my need to make sure he stayed with me.  So who was the needy one?

[Tincup]

This is a very good post, and I am right there with you.  I realize that there is no fixing with BPD.  It is up to the individual with the condition to seek help. 

What I am doing is setting boundaries with new people I meet.  I am not allowing my boundaries to be crossed which I think is very healthy.  And like most people here I am looking at codependency and what caused me to get into this situation to begin with.  All of this has already kept me out of a potential relationship that I know was not good, but the "old" me would of gone for it.  A relationship should not be full of stress and anxiety...

[bpdspell]

@heartandwhole

You make a great point about choosing partners based on their ability to need us so they are less likely to abandon us.

Bingo! Bingo! Bingo!

Choosing fixer upper, victim of circumstance "types" has certainly been a habitual pattern of mine due to the fact that I was conditioned to be this way by my narcissistic mom. I grew up with reversed roles: I was mommy's caretaker and my mother was the child.

After the BPD ex this blind spot within myself was truly exposed.

Avoiding abandonment was certainly "my demon" and I can see how my ex and I mirrored each other emotionally on that level. We were simply two different sides of the same coin.

Spell

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tincanmike, Like what you're saying about your former r/s with your BPD SO.  There is no point is trying to save someone who fundamentally would prefer not to be saved.  To keep trying is a lonely and fruitless quest, yet it took me a long time (years!) to come to that realization, which you have already grasped.  I guess we all want to be the White Knight and hero of our own lives, but the energy is better spent working on one's own issues, in my view.  Thanks, Lucky Jim

[Bananas]

I have learned the hard way, that there is some beauty in accepting people as they are and just letting them be.