Introduction: Me and My Family of Enablers.

[louis1]

I see a little icon above this post with a smiley face welcoming me to the BPD family and I must say that a smile is the last expression on my face when dealing with BPD. I don't feel proud or excited to be a part of a family of BPD but I will say that I am comforted to know that there are other people that are going through what my family has experienced for many years.

I am an enabler. The rest of my family members are also enablers; we don't know how to be anything else when dealing with our BPD mother.

My sister and I are daughters of a single mother with undiagnosed BPD. I was initially told by my therapist 6 years ago that my mother more than likely has BPD and gave me a book to read, "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I was shocked at the stories I read. They were all a mirror to what my sister and I went through our whole lives. I researched, read and delved into anything that would give me more insight. I was and am convinced that our mother suffers from BPD and realized some years later that I didn't need her to be officially diagnosed to know what I was dealing with.

How do you tell someone that you think they have a mental disorder and to seek professional help? Especially someone with BPD? That’s like pulling a lions tail. And this is where the enabling part comes into play.

Constant crying spells, severe depressive episodes, verbal, emotional and bouts of physical abuse, alcohol and drug addiction, promiscuity, excessive spending, erratic and irrational anger, sensitivity, defensiveness, this list goes on and on. My sister and I recall an entire life of walking on eggshells. We never knew what would throw her into a tailspin. It could have been something as simple as forgetting to do the dishes to just asking her if she was feeling ok. Since I was young I spent many nights putting her to bed when she drank too much or popped too many pills. She would come home with black eyes from falling down or not come home until the next day. We never knew where she was. Eviction notices were frequent and we were always told that if our father would just be a decent man and help her out, she would have enough money to turn the power back on, put food in the fridge or pay rent. I bought this every time and remember being angry with my absent father. The odd part was that she always had money to go out drinking, buy alcohol and drugs for the house, but not the bills. But I wanted to believe what she was telling me, I loved her, she was my mother, why would she lie about that? When she received large tax returns every year, it was very rarely spent on getting us kids clothes or things we needed. There was never a savings built up. It was spent on frivolous items that we never really needed, not to mention alcohol.

The list and incidents go on for years but has never stopped. Now remarried and in her late 40’s, she still can’t get herself emotionally or mentally stable. She has an irrational love/hate relationship with everyone, including her husband, but now she has successfully pushed almost all family and every friend out of her life. She has possessively placed importance on her children; my sister and I. For years I couldn’t break free from her control and always felt the need to take care of her. I would drop all my school work to be there for her when she was having an episode. I risked my marriage to be at her beck and call. I invited her into my home so she could cry on my shoulder, tell me how horrible her life, husband, job or friends were to her while my new husband sat and watched. This went on my whole life and I could never break free from her. No matter how irrational her behavior was, I could never just tell her that she had a problem. Whenever I had the guts to tell her that she always seems upset, she would become incredibly defensive and she would give me the silent treatment. Her reactions to any differing opinions from her own were met with anger, sensitivity and defensiveness. So we all learned to just say nothing. Now that I have moved far from home which I find as a blessing, my sister has taken my place and all the pressure falls on her.

We all figure that it is easier to say nothing than deal with the wrath. My sister and I would go through moments where we would stop talking to her just so we could have some peace. We couldn’t approach her, so we would take breaks. It would just make things worse. We would be told that we were abandoning her, not treating her fairly and not being the loving family that we should by telling her what’s wrong. No matter what we do, we can’t win. When her husband mustered enough confidence and told her that she was difficult to talk to, (complete understatement), she reacted horribly, saying that we should all be more understanding of her situation, ie: losing her job (again), having financial problems and being depressed. We just weren’t understanding enough.

My sister and I talk frequently about our problems, our relationship with her and what we should do. But we have no answers. No book I have read has helped me learn tools to deal with her without extreme confrontation and prolonged drama. We have tried the boundary setting, and that never works. We set boundaries, they get violated and we are too afraid to set them again or enforce them because again, we are met with more troubles. We are tired. So tired that we just give up most times and let the freak show play. It seems far more convenient than going through the trouble, but either way, BPD has left its mark on us. It has left its mark on her, and God knows we have done all we can to be supportive and understanding of her illness, but we are in desperate need of support for ourselves, not to mention a little peace in our lives.

[Seneca]

welcome louis, and here is the object of your dread: 

you have to laugh, because you'd cry your eyes out if you didn't.

I am so sorry about a LIFETIME of struggling with BPD and it's effects. It truly is a family disease, because the one suffering from it, ensures that everyone else is as miserable as they are. It sounds as though you are at your wits end, and you came to the right place for understanding and ideas. You are not alone in your suffering - we all know the emotional torture you've been through and are here for you. 

[louis1]

Hi Seneca,

Thank you for the support. I appreciate that. I look forward to learning from others on this forum.

[Thelma1]

I am the persons above sister. She and I both located this site for support. I find she is best at describing our situation since most of the time I do not know where to start or begin. Our mother I believe is very lost, and in no hope of getting back... .I believe BPD is a disease that ruins all family's and friendship's. My sister and I have always felt very similar emotions when it has come to our mother, anger, sadness, exhaustion, confusion, and defeat... .We are enablers, because having our lives turned upset down by the person we call mom is just not worth it anymore.

At this point my sister and I feel hopeless, and have lost faith that our mother is forever going to be this way. Do we cut her out completely from out lives? Or do we learn to accept? This is a question my sister and I pass back and forth to each other... .There has been several times where we have confronted her, and almost done interventions for her... All being a massive failure. There just seems to be no right answers. Since there is no real way to help her, or get her to see there is something wrong then we need support from others. I need validation that there are others going through what I have been through and am still going through, both me and my sister.

[an0ught]

Hi louis1,

wow, this certainly sounds like a quite difficult situation  . You tried a lot but so far with limited traction. And frankly there is no simple solution to this hard problem  .

We all figure that it is easier to say nothing than deal with the wrath. My sister and I would go through moments where we would stop talking to her just so we could have some peace. We couldn’t approach her, so we would take breaks. It would just make things worse. We would be told that we were abandoning her, not treating her fairly and not being the loving family that we should by telling her what’s wrong. No matter what we do, we can’t win. When her husband mustered enough confidence and told her that she was difficult to talk to, (complete understatement), she reacted horribly, saying that we should all be more understanding of her situation, ie: losing her job (again), having financial problems and being depressed. We just weren’t understanding enough.

Limited contact (LC) can be a way to manage the situation to some degree and giving it a try is certainly a valid approach. It is good that you are not alone in this mess but have a sister to discuss with. From what you wrote it sounds like it somewhat backfired as she felt abandoned and most likely leaned on the one who had the turn to be in contact with her. And yes of course she was partly abandoned (which is ok to validate) but that is her problem. The challenge of course it leaving it her problem.

If I would not know how intense these relationships can be and how fear and chaos can strengthen the attachment - this all would make no sense. But these relationships are tight and toxic and it is good to see that you have a T to support you making wise decisions.

My sister and I talk frequently about our problems, our relationship with her and what we should do. But we have no answers. No book I have read has helped me learn tools to deal with her without extreme confrontation and prolonged drama. We have tried the boundary setting, and that never works. We set boundaries, they get violated and we are too afraid to set them again or enforce them because again, we are met with more troubles. We are tired. So tired that we just give up most times and let the freak show play. It seems far more convenient than going through the trouble, but either way, BPD has left its mark on us. It has left its mark on her, and God knows we have done all we can to be supportive and understanding of her illness, but we are in desperate need of support for ourselves, not to mention a little peace in our lives.

it is essential that you put your interests first. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. She may ignore this basic fact of life to her own detriment but that is her problem.

and wishing you finding some effective means to contain the chaos factor in your life this year,

a0

[Learning_curve74]

Hi louis1 and Thelma1, I'm so very sorry to hear why you both found our community, but I do want to offer you both a warm welcome. 

I agree with an0ught 100%. While the pwBPD in my life isn't a blood relative, I totally identify with the difficulties in balacing trying to be supportive, having boundaries, and taking care of myself.

You'll find a lot of other members dealing with similar challenging situations over at the [L5] Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board. At the top of the board is a sticky topic entitled LESSONS that can help you start to find a way to both manage your relationships with your mother as well as steps to taking care of yourselves. And of course, there are plenty of members with open ears and open hearts to hear your stories and offer both advice and support that you are looking for.

When you do feel the need to communicate with your mother, two specific topics on communication that I would recommend are: TOOLS: communication with BPD family member... . consistency/validation and TOOLS: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN). These ways of communicating work in all relationships but are especially important in relationships where BPD is involved. One of the main things is to let your pwBPD understand they are being heard, not necessarily to validate  something that is untrue, but that their feelings are valid because often for a pwBPD feelings are facts in their mind. Communicating in these ways won't necessarily solve anything but can help to reduce the conflicts.

I personally have found that being in individual therapy/counseling has been a godsend for dealing with BPD relationship issues. It won't cure your mother, but it can be extremely helpful in helping you cope with the difficulties involved.

Best wishes to you both, louis1 and Thelma1, I hope that you can find the support here that you are looking for as well as reaching a state of having some peace in your lives as well. Hugs to both of you.   

[DreamFlyer99]

hi Louis1 and Thelma1, and welcome. How's about I settle for giving you a wave? 

I hear you on this whole situation--I didn't realize while I was growing up that my mom likely had some sort of disorder, I just knew she was impossible to please, and despite her rigid rules, her expectations of me shifted constantly. Even as an adult, I knew that I had to achieve a certain level of gift wrapping for the gift to be acceptable to her. Wow, you just opened up a pond of memories... .

Fortunately, my mother didn't find us as her children worthy of sharing with, so we didn't have to listen to all the stuff you have. (there can be benefits to 'not being good enough'.)

I remember being lost so in the middle of a huge, shifting pile of guilt brought on by being expected to be the answer to something I never could be--her happiness. She didn't choose happiness or even contentment unless things were all going her way, so when she died she had her lawyer send me boxes of her belongings (I hadn't asked for anything and in fact told her lawyer I wouldn't be coming to claim anything) with mean little notes attached to them. Stuff like what a disappointment I'd been, etc etc, how I'd kept her grandchildren from her (she never called, and when she wrote she added bits of her crazy story and they'd be put off.) On and on. A person with a personality disorder can be very creative it seems, in re-writing the parts of their story they didn't like to put the burden on you instead.

Turns out from reading and from time with my therapist, she likely had NPD and BPD--she was all over the pages of the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells", and so was my husband! OHHHH.

I remember that feeling of being caught in the swamp of all these feelings my mother had put on me, and how much it weighed me down. Then someone in the mental health department of my doctor's said "She chose how to spend her life. Now you get to choose how to spend the rest of yours." Honestly, I'd never realized I had a choice!

All that to basically tell you: 1- In your life, you make the choices for what kind of life you want to live.

2- Your mother has a disorder that can be hard to understand because their thinking is quite different than yours or mine, and they generally come from a place of having little sense of who they are individually, and believe they are not worth being loved and that you will eventually abandon them anyway. So a very different viewpoint, and that causes them to do things that cause that push-pull you've experienced.

3-It's a journey. It's not necessarily an easy one, or a quick one, since we have to walk it step by step, but it is OH SO WORTHWHILE!

When I was in the middle of it I didn't realize I had any choice in the situation, but we all do. Your mother has choices of how she treats people, and we have choices. In this supportive and understanding community you can learn the tools and skills that will help you relate to your mother in ways that will protect your own boundaries, and that will help you communicate with her more effectively. The things we automatically do in response aren't always the most effective, so here you can learn new ways to respond.

I think what I most want to give you is the gift of hope, hope that your tomorrows can be better, that you can take steps that will give you a sense of peace in the situation and a sense of control over the things you can control. My therapist made a point that always rides along with me: Hope has to be about what things we can do, what changes we can make in ourselves, because to hope someone else will change is just wishful thinking.

We start where we can--and that is within us. And there's a lot of power in that.

So welcome, and in time a smile won't seem so impossible in your situation, because your relationship with your mom won't be the only thing you're thinking about. Your life can expand.

dreamflyer99

HAHAHA! In just re-reading what I'd written I realized your names were Thelma and Louise!   Please don't drive off a cliff just yet, there really is an alternative.

Those are some great links that Learning_curve74 just gave you, and I'd encourage you to take a look at those tools for communicating, as they'll give you an idea of how possible it is to have a bit more control in a conversation, and get your point across with less stress.

I'm glad you're here!

[louis1]

an0ught, learning_curve74, DreamFlyer99 ,

Thank you all for your support and encouraging words. Also, thank you for the links on tools and points to consider. These are always helpful. While I have found myself exhausted from buying one book after another looking for answers, I know that there are tools out there to help and keep into consideration. I also see a therapist and am hoping for some great insight from him. Support from others may be worth its weight in gold considering that books are many times too general and I find these stories more parallel to my experiences.

DreamFlyer99,

Yes we chose Thelma and Louise ( I spelled mine wrong, oops ), for so many coincidental reasons among one being that it is one of my favorite movies, but I assure you that we won't be driving off a cliff, although we have silently considered it at times

[DreamFlyer99]

Louis1, I'm glad to hear you'll keep the car on the road.

It sounds like even though you are exhausted from trying to have a relationship with your mother, you would still like to? How super helpful it would be, having each other to learn with and try out the tools with. I had a lot of the same feelings as you do about my uBPDh (undiagnosed BPD husband) like "I've tried this and this and it never works" but when I started trying to understand what was going on in his head so I could understand how what I said affected him, and then started trying out things like boundaries but in the context of how a pwBPD might react to them, it all started making more sense and even working to lessen the drama that had been occurring.

It really is a new way of thinking, choosing to learn to be in a relationship with someone with BPD, but there are many skills you can learn to facilitate that.

Have you had a look around the boards yet? We have one, [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board, where you could find some great support by interacting with others who have also been where you are!

All the best for the learning and healing road trip! It can be a tricky road sometimes, but if you stay on it you'll find some valuable help and hope.