How long can someone do this?

[Nonamouse]

I am 2 years into my marriage with my dBPDw. I had never heard of BPD until I started google diagnosing what would make someone do these things after being so happy initially.

My question is... .how long can someone handle this? The tools and boards help here but each time she goes downhill I feel like I lose something.

Do you ever get used to this? I know this is an arbitrary question but I'm just wondering how people adapt after years of this. I'm starting to look down the road at what life will be like in 5, 10 years and I'm starting to worry about whether the effort to stay is worse than the battle of leaving.

I guess I just need some encouragement that someone else has been there and doesn't look back with regret for having stayed.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[froggy]

Been at it for almost 33 years. ... just learned about BPD about 5 years ago.

Not easy without the tools I'm learning hear.

You have to learn not to take things personally and read and learn as much as you can on this site so that you can comunicate better.

[waverider]

When you know nothing about BPD it is common to muddle along having no idea what is going on, and how to even go about addressing it. Once you find out about it and start doing your research then things will start to change. This could go anyway.

It is possible that you can apply changes and at least start to repair the damage it is doing to your RS, this may involve their improvement, or it may not, and may just simply be your interaction with it.

If this is not possible then  you may find that you can no longer tolerate it and your only way is out, as the light at the end of the tunnel is not perceivable.

This is the Staying board so here we promote a positive "can do" approach. That is not to say it will work, but unless you adopt this approach, it wont. If after attempting the "can do" approach it is still untenable, you will have at least exhausted what is possible, so that if it does fail the "what ifs" and "if only's" will have been tried and tested. You will move on and recover far more readily than those who just run and think of these questions after the event.

To answer your question. You cannot do this long without it changing to something else. You would be surprised how many manage to turn around what seem like terminal cases. In other cases even the most senior and knowledgeable members have had to face failure of their RS's. Even the attempt will teach you a lot about yourself and make you a better person, as it involves a lot of self examination and personal growth.

To move forward you have to disable the default button in your life, which has probably been stuck on for quite a while, and the reason you are in this predicament.

[allibaba]

Funny... .the therapist asked me the exact same thing on Friday morning.  She said "when do you know that you have had enough?"  My response was 'I'll know if and when I get there!"

And I have been asking the same thing myself... .so much energy is going into this fight against mental illness for me... .

I don't fear the outcome anymore though.  What is "meant to be" will be... .

I think to really be successful in one of these relationships you have to take unbelievably good care of yourself.  And... .I think that you have to let things that might not normally be ok in regular relationship (like going on vacation alone)... .be ok... .and forgive yourself.  I have a male friend who still lives in the country we moved from.  He's smart and has exceptional emotional intelligence.  My husband knows nothing about him.  Normally this wouldn't be ok (at least in my relationship) but this man's support (and the support of this board) has allowed me to find superhuman strength to fight for my marriage.  As such, I forgive myself for having a secret real world friend (and a secret self help board)   ... .my motives are in the right place even if my husband would never understand.  I don't even fear my husband finding out because I need to be accepted for who I am... .

[Nonamouse]

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. They help.

I had a lot more trouble at first, just getting beyond the "unfairness" of it all. That was a big step. Now I'm working on just depersonalizing the attacks instead of responding to them and making her worse.

Last night, I just left the room after being accused of something ridiculous. I told her firmly that I wasn't going to be subject to unreasonable negativity and accusations but we could talk later. I didn't defend or argue. She followed me out the room and went on for a while but finally left. A half hour later she came back out, apologized and agreed what she was accusing me of was wrong and she had no idea why she even did it.

A small success! I'm keeping expectations level - but still feel pretty good about that win for us both.

[waverider]

It helps if you can keep a sense of humor about some of the crazier aspects too.

[Chosen]

If you're trying to look to the future as an endless extension of the state of your relationship now, you'll probably lose hope.

What I did was to learn about what I can do first, then see if things get better (they got better for me, even thought pwBPD never diagnosed).  If things get a bit easier it may look more positive. 

I've been with my pwBPD for about 5 years but I've only learnt about BPD maybe 1.5 years ago, and actively learning and using the tools since then.  Things are a lot better than they were before.

[Mono No Aware]

and a secret self help board

Amen and a hear! hear! for our secret self-help board.

Hang in there Nonamouse - and keep working to make it better!