Madness to want to apologize for my part?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been very LC with my exBPDgf(waif) since we split about 8 months ago. She reached out to me a couple of weeks ago asking how I was doing after my surgery which she knew about from my interaction with her daughter. She and her kids visited me and my kids that same weekend. I didn't feel bad at all, actually relieved that she and the kids seemed to be fine. It did bring back some good memories but I went back to my notes about the s**t she pulled and that balanced things. I think I'm pretty OK on the healing journey, seeing things clearly despite lots of unanswered questions and no closure from her side.

The break up was more of an implosion where she just dropped off the emotional radar and withdrew to "do some soul searching" and "explore her own feelings" if she wanted to be with me or not bla bla bla. This happened only few weeks after we were discussing moving in together. I was really frustrated and anxious about her behavior at the time, going from a future together to zero within days. Tired of the limbo and with previous exposure to a ClusterB r/s, I broke up as I wanted to cut my losses. I broke up with text message, god forbid. Well, she refused to meet me because she probably knew what was coming so I felt I had no other choice.

After seeing her two weeks ago, I've started to feel bad for the way I did the break up. The bad words (I told her she's never able to have real r/s behaving like this etc... .) and the way I broke it off. I think I put her down unnecessarily, BPD or not, liar or not.

In the last few days I've started to feel an urge to apologize for my part in the break up. What I said and how I said it.

Apologizing and giving closure to her (which she probably wouldn't be able to appreciate to be fair) would maybe give ME closure, that's my theory. Is this a reasonable expectation, and is it even fair towards her after this time?  What do you think her reaction would be? What ever it would be, I need to be strong enough not to let it get to me, that's for sure. Am I risking myself if I connect with her like this? I've tried to analyze if I still have hope to reconcile. Maybe a tiny bit. Maybe also to get a clear BPD reaction out of her, so I can be sure. But mostly I feel I want to purge myself from the r/s, get her out of my system and move on. And close the case.

Thoughts?

[KE151]

I've been very LC with my exBPDgf(waif) since we split about 8 months ago. She reached out to me a couple of weeks ago asking how I was doing after my surgery which she knew about from my interaction with her daughter. She and her kids visited me and my kids that same weekend. I didn't feel bad at all, actually relieved that she and the kids seemed to be fine. It did bring back some good memories but I went back to my notes about the s**t she pulled and that balanced things. I think I'm pretty OK on the healing journey, seeing things clearly despite lots of unanswered questions and no closure from her side.

The break up was more of an implosion where she just dropped off the emotional radar and withdrew to "do some soul searching" and "explore her own feelings" if she wanted to be with me or not bla bla bla. This happened only few weeks after we were discussing moving in together. I was really frustrated and anxious about her behavior at the time, going from a future together to zero within days. Tired of the limbo and with previous exposure to a ClusterB r/s, I broke up as I wanted to cut my losses. I broke up with text message, god forbid. Well, she refused to meet me because she probably knew what was coming so I felt I had no other choice.

After seeing her two weeks ago, I've started to feel bad for the way I did the break up. The bad words (I told her she's never able to have real r/s behaving like this etc... .) and the way I broke it off. I think I put her down unnecessarily, BPD or not, liar or not.

In the last few days I've started to feel an urge to apologize for my part in the break up. What I said and how I said it.

Apologizing and giving closure to her (which she probably wouldn't be able to appreciate to be fair) would maybe give ME closure, that's my theory. Is this a reasonable expectation, and is it even fair towards her after this time?  What do you think her reaction would be? What ever it would be, I need to be strong enough not to let it get to me, that's for sure. Am I risking myself if I connect with her like this? I've tried to analyze if I still have hope to reconcile. Maybe a tiny bit. Maybe also to get a clear BPD reaction out of her, so I can be sure. But mostly I feel I want to purge myself from the r/s, get her out of my system and move on. And close the case.

Thoughts?

[seeking balance]

Try this - write what you want to say to her here - get it all out so you can see how much of this is about you and how much is about your guilt.

I am a big believer in apologizing when it is authentic; before we know it is authentic - we kinda have to get real honest about our motivations.

[KE151]

Try this - write what you want to say to her here - get it all out so you can see how much of this is about you and how much is about your guilt.

I am a big believer in apologizing when it is authentic; before we know it is authentic - we kinda have to get real honest about our motivations.

Hi,

it was good to see you and the kids when you came over to see us. You know I’ve kept contact to D9 over text message and it’s been nice to hear how she’s doing. Seeing you brought back memories, both good from when all was well and the bad, from the last months and weeks we were together. Meeting D9 and S8 and holding them and talking like we used to, was a joy but also painful because we all thought I was the father they never had. I never got to say goodbye to them. And I never got to look you in the eye and say goodbye either. That has bothered me so much.

It’s been important for me to get some distance to you and our time together. Back in March, it was really painful to admit that we couldn’t become what I hoped and dreamt we could have. The way I handled the break up was cruel and cold to you. I put you down unnecessarily and said things that I should not have said. I didn’t hate you then, nor do I hate you now. I am very sorry for the words I said and the pain that they must have caused you. I wasn’t fair to you. I had no excuse.

You probably remember that I don't believe in love turning into friendship. But I want to be able to speak with you without bad feelings if we bump into each other in the future.

I wish you all the best.

KE

[seeking balance]

First, there is nothing wrong with what you wrote or how you feel.

I am going to play devil's advocate so you can be clear on the door you may be opening.  Keep in mind, BPD is an attachment disorder and major triggers are abandonment - you are leaving her again in her mind.  Rubbing salt in an already very deep BPD wound by actively telling her you don't want her around.

It sounds like you are on descent terms right now, I mean, you do have your closure.

Hi,

it was good to see you and the kids when you came over to see us. You know I’ve kept contact to D9 over text message and it’s been nice to hear how she’s doing. Seeing you brought back memories, both good from when all was well and the bad, from the last months and weeks we were together. Meeting D9 and S8 and holding them and talking like we used to, was a joy but also painful because we all thought I was the father they never had. I never got to say goodbye to them. And I never got to look you in the eye and say goodbye either. That has bothered me so much.

This is about you 100% and that is ok, but how is telling her all of this going to make the situation any better?  Likely, it is going to trigger her - do you want to trigger her over this?  Is this a battle worth starting, if so - why?

It’s been important for me to get some distance to you and our time together. Back in March, it was really painful to admit that we couldn’t become what I hoped and dreamt we could have.

again, this is about you and for you - how does this help her and not potentially trigger her?  Can you let go without bringing up your own pain to her?

The way I handled the break up was cruel and cold to you. I put you down unnecessarily and said things that I should not have said. I didn’t hate you then, nor do I hate you now. I am very sorry for the words I said and the pain that they must have caused you. I wasn’t fair to you. I had no excuse.

great apology - sincere in hurting her feelings and accepting responsibility.

NOW, she may or may not hear it that way. 

She might say, "thank you for saying that"

She might say, "you are right, that was horrible and you are horrible."

She might say, "you want to get back together?"

You probably remember that I don't believe in love turning into friendship. But I want to be able to speak with you without bad feelings if we bump into each other in the future.

I wish you all the best.

Is this necessary to speak?  Can't you do this same things with your actions?  Verbalizing this is pushing the abandonment button - do you need to do this to let go, or can you let go?


Having a rational conversation when we are actively triggering a pwBPD is kinda like going skydiving where you may or may not have packed a parachute.  Why do it really?

If you need to apologize for your behavior, do it because it is part of your core values and not for any other reason or certainly not for any outcome.  Keep is simple and direct.

Telling her your emotions - well, would you trust your painful emotions and needed validation with a 2 year old?  A pwBPD can be like an emotional 2 year old - don't be naive in thinking this will stay "about you".  Understanding the disorder, we can play by the rules of it or we can force our will... .a simple rule -abandonment is a major trigger, knowingly pushing that button usually does not result in outcomes we would like to see.

Personally, I understand you mean well and do care, but you want distance.  I hope this feedback helps even if it might not been what you were hoping for.

Best,

SB

[isseeu]

Hi there,

Even though my ex broke up with me in a strange rage (first and only thing like that I had seen in 2.5 yrs together-he just unraveled... ) I called him a loser.  After the cruel things he had been saying, after trying so hard to calm the situation (this was before I had even heard of BPD) I snapped. 

I don't talk like that.  I hit him where it hurt-his ex wife used to call him a loser all the time.  I decided that in spite of what led up to my cruel words, I needed to apologize.  I thought hard about my true reasons, and it really was for me.  I just don't talk like that, and it was cruel.  I sent him a card (not email, not text) and am glad I did.   I didn't expect a response, and didn't get one... .and it didn't matter.  I'm very glad I did it.  I find peace in having done it.

It's been five months now, and he doesn't reach out, respond to anything (I stopped trying a little over a month ago)-silence.  But it's given me time to heal a bit and I'm doing well-even looking forward to the holidays with friends and family.

It's so hard-I wish you the best whatever you decide to do   

[winston72]

Hey KE, thanks for your post... .and SB, what a wonderful analysis!  I should wish that all of my correspondence, on this board or otherwise, could receive such insight and editorial review!

HE, my reading of your email evokes feelings in me that you want to reconnect with your ex.  The expansive replay of the ending and the elaboration of your emotions is much more than an apology.  It feels like the apology is the occasion to express a variety of other feelings and thoughts. 

The apology portion is direct and clear and without complications.  If you want to apologize, then just apologize!  I think Isseeu recounts a good model for that.

I must say that I have written many emails that were very similar to your draft.  For me, the occasion for something like an apology was filled with expressions of other thoughts and feelings. 

So, if you feel like your conscience would be relieved by apologizing, then just apologize. 

If you feel the need to express other thoughts and feelings, than recognize this desire for what it is and deal with it accordingly.  By this I mean you should write it with the clarity that this is your intention... .and then you need to decide if you want to actually send it. 

[KE151]

SB,

Thank you for putting so much of your soul into this. This is exactly the feedback i was looking for. Understanding myself a bit better.

While writing, i already realized that while a part of me wants to apologize to her to lift that burden off my shoulders, there's another part of me... .One that still wants validation from her. And yes, I'm certain she would not validate me, no way. I'm pretty certain she'd understand it as a wish to get back together. And she could try to make me pay for my sins instead. The whole idea would backfire.

I won't send any of it for the time being. When the time is right i'll just apologize, plain and simple.

Thank you all.

[KE151]

So, I did it. She came for a visit with her kids. It was all very nice and laid back start to finish. We cooked and ate together with all of our kids and it really was like the good ol' times. When the kids went to play upstairs after awhile I sat next to her and said that I was sorry for my bad words back in January/February and the way I handled the break-up. Full stop.

She said pretty calmly that she also said things that were hurtful to me and that words slipped out of her mouth which she didn't mean. Maybe that's the best in the way of apologies in her world. She looked somehow sad for awhile but then she looked relieved. Then she said that she feels as no time at all has passed, and that it was like yesterday when we were together. And then she went on to explain her situation back when we met (her father terminally ill, her D8 having psychiatric issues) were affecting her life and behavior badly. She said we probably projected each other when things started to go south rapidly. And she's spot on about that. She also said she would still fall for me if we met now for the first time, and that she hasn't been drawn to men since we split up. She texted me later in the evening that she felt good about our chat, but that now she misses me again and hopes she'll get over me at some point. I replied that I do remember the good times but that the last months and weeks of the r/s were awful and that I don't miss that. She replied that she neither. Goodnights etc.

NB we have been LC / 99% NC since the split, some texts and only one short meeting. No question she's trying to open the door again. Well actually, it was me apologizing that sort of unlocked the door, she's just checking if it fully opens.

What about me then? I felt validated by what she said about saying hurtful things to me, and that she has done some thinking about the projecting part etc. But I kept reminding myself of her incredible ability to lie and distort facts. She'd definitely like to try and get me on the merry go round again. That in itself feels validating. I've thought about her today, but not more than on a normal day. So far no recoil effect of this exercise.

[Tolou]

Maybe you can write letter saying everything you would want to tell her.  But don't give it to her.   I don't see that she is seeking closure so this is more for you than it is for her.  Especially if she isn't asking you for anything why open doors or old wounds for either of you since the response will probably be something you don't need.  Better off letting it out in a letter and maybe discarding it or burning it just to release the thoughts that you may have wanted to share.  AGAIN, this is a suggestion but if you truely do not want her back, maybe just let it go.  People always say things they do not necessarily mean before or during a break-up period, it happens.  Just keep the good memories and try moving forward with that. I am quite sure your kindnesses towards her outweigh any of the bad.  And whether or not she will admit to any of that, she remembers the good!

[arn131arn]

good for you.

[Calm Waters]

I have written many letters of varying types, to my exBPD gf to my BPD parents, to myself, they have all helped and none have been sent or ever will be. Sometimes when i am ruminating I modify or perfect them, I find it can help to get the story out on my laptop, in a sense using some of the analagies to the mind being a super computer, its like opening the fil in your mind, then deciding to either re file it modify it to re categorise it and file it etc, sadly the file can NEVER be deleted, but it can be modified to reduce the emotional attachment that it carries.

[heartandwhole]

KE151,

That sounds like some sweet closure.  Good job at getting the apology out.  I'm glad her attempts to open the door wider haven't destabilized you.  You are healing and growing, my friend, a great thing.

Hope your holidays are peaceful   

[santa]

Anything I've apologized for, I've later regretted. Not because I'm not sorry about some things. I am. It's just that my ex uses things I apologize for as a means to vilify me and justify the things that she's making up as things that actually happened.

[KE151]

Anything I've apologized for, I've later regretted. Not because I'm not sorry about some things. I am. It's just that my ex uses things I apologize for as a means to vilify me and justify the things that she's making up as things that actually happened.

She has never raged, but in her waif way, plays vulnerable and helpless. I was afraid she'd start to blame me in her covert way but no, she attempted to take some of the blame (well, she blamed the circumstances, not herself so it's not really accountability). But anyway, as long as she doesn't try to escalate the contact, I think I'm fine. 

[KE151]

KE151,

That sounds like some sweet closure.  Good job at getting the apology out.  I'm glad her attempts to open the door wider haven't destabilized you.  You are healing and growing, my friend, a great thing.

Hope your holidays are peaceful   

Thank you, it means a lot to hear this. I'm still healing but getting there.

Happy holidays!

[sidmoumane]

Hi KE151,

I can totally understand the need to apologise. I had a similar feeling a few months back with my Bpdh. We have been separated for 16 months now. He says I kicked him out, but it was he who just closed off after he got caught lying (yet again). In no time, I found myself being on the receiving end. I had refused to move to the area where he wanted to live. He suddenly used that to say he was going to leave me if I did not move. I refused. He  started sleeping in a different room. It was a classic move. One where he takes himself out of a being the wrongdoer to becoming the one who has been wronged. It never ceased to amaze me how quickly and effortlessly he did this over the years. I have been married to him for amost 13 years.

Anyway, he offered to live in amarriage of convenience to help me with my studies. I politely said, 'no thank you' and asked him to leave. Those three months where he slept in another room, refused to speak to me and generally told me what a rbbish wife I was, were so hurtful. I did not want the relationship to end. Nevertheless, I made him leave as I had reached my limit. NC for 12 months. I did not text him, call him or acknowledge his existence. He used to come and see the kids once a week. I stayed upstairs out of his way. He tried to draw me out with some sort of angry outburst or something. But I refused.

In that time, I rebuilt my life. I also gave myself space (for the first time) to heal from the wounds. A few months ago I wrote him a letter and apologised for my part. Time apart has made me realise that at times I was truly horrible towards him. I would react to his behaviour with angry and hurtful statements (often sent via texts as it was safer than saying it to his face). I became angry, hurt, resentful and at times hateful. This is not the person I want to be.

It was not easy because you remember the terrible things they do. The way they never apologise. But I needed to do it. I did not think about what he may read into it. I wanted to be free. Recently, we have spoken about what went wrong. He wants to get back together. I am reluctant as I have moved on in so many ways. I am happier without him.   If someone had told me this back in 2009, when i was at my lowest, I would never have believed it.

I think apologising for the things I did wrong helped me to take responsibility and it also set me free. What I will say is that I kept my apology sincere, brief and to the point. Be prepared that they may use it to want to get back with you. You might not want that.