One day out and feeling good about that. :)

[jjclark]

Hello all,

I've been reading on here for a little while now, the contributions/input on this forum have been priceless in my experience.  I'm not used to forums, forgive me if my posting format is not up to standards.

   I am one day out of a 362 day relationship with a person diagnosed with BPD.  We basically spent 20-25 days and nights/month together from the get go, without ever moving together (good golly I knew something was off with her so I didn't want to do the moving thing) but it didn't stop me from enjoying the good times we were having.  I actually feel as though this was probably the nicest couple of months I've had in a long time (other than the weird ending). I have nothing to offer her but loving kindess. I work for a non-profit, I have a very neutral status socially, I'm very much an introvert, I want nothing of the big life.  I don't understand what it is she was trying to get from me, other than me never standing up for myself in the relationship.

Things I noticed that were unusual in a relationship but she would tell me there is nothing wrong with:

-  Telling me she is going to catch a movie, omitting to tell me she is going with another man (a person we both work with). I think in a healthy relationship, the parties involved should talk about this stuff.  It didn't bother me that she went with some guy to watch Dr.Who, it bothered me that she felt she couldn't talk to me about it. The poor guy is probably her next victim.  The rumble started about that time.

-  Being underground. She insisted that we not make our relationship public.  Nothing about it on twitter, nothing about us on facebook.  Almost a year like this. We went out to a restaurant 2x, movies once.  Camping once.  Anything else was way out of town.  But we hung out almost everyday (I felt like her lapdog because that's what I was). The time at home was super good until the last few weeks when she started doing things that would really bother me (omitting details, basically ignoring me for days at a time, giving me a really sour attitude, etc.).  It was almost like she wanted to push me away but couldn't just come out and say it so she would act it out instead.  Looking back I think my mistake may have been that I expected her to dump me or talk to me if something was wrong.  That's usually how grown ups do it right?

-  Going to a concert with her and her best friend (male), they hung out together all evening while I just enjoyed the music by myself (I totally had a good time, I'm ok with hanging out with me) but I did feel like this was was strange behavior.

-  When we would have a discussion about the issues we may be having in our relationship, she would tell me she felt like I was always insulting her and we were always fighting.  The odd part was that she would yell at me and devalue me so much and swear and me and call me all the names in the book while I would just sit there and nod and take it like a champ yet I am the one who is insulting her and fighting? 

-  Last night she told me she was no longer happy in the relationship because of all the fighting we were having.  She asked me to leave.  I left.  I told her goodnight and she told me I was doing it again (insulting her).  While I was on my way home she kept texting me and it was as though she was trying to defend herself, her actions, her position.  I tried to explain that we are both not happy with the way things were going and that this move is constructive and positive.  She seems to want chaos.

The moral of the story is that after I got home I slept like a baby and today was awesome not to have to wonder why she is ignoring me or what the heck is going on between us.  At least now I know how my day's going to go.  It made the year go by real fast.  I only feel bummed out when I think that it would have been a year on Christmas eve.  I tell myself I'll get to do these things again with someone who actually gives a damn about me next time.

[Calm Waters]

Hi JJ this all sounds very familiar to me. I was only with my BPD exgf for 3 months, we did live together and she didnt even tell me she was still going out with the previous bf whilst she was snagging me! we had ben ' aquaintences for 20 years I felt some trust and didnt realy want to see the red flag of the un dumped ex bf who had actually asked her to marry him, poor guy! Of course 3 months later when it was going sour we split, then 2 days later she attempted suicide and nearly suceeded, this scared the ___ out of me so I went back and helped her recover only to be dumped myself almost a year ago now. Unlike you I am still grieving having had a breakdown, so congratulate yourself for your resiliance, well done for gettiing out, you dodged a bullet

[jjclark]

Calm Waters, thanks for the reply.  Sorry to hear about your experience, it sounds like would have been quite unpleasant and a scary thing to go through. Funny how we can deny so much.  I'm a bit of an adventurer and I think I was looking at this relationship as a learning experience, and I know it has provided me with much growth.

If I may ask, what was the part you played in her recovery? How did you do it?  I've thought about what I'd do if she was to act out destructively after I left.  She did end it with me and she did ask me to leave but last night while she was texting me I could sense there was something there that sounded a lot like some sort of a guilt or that she was feeling bad as she kept blaming me for making her feel miserable.  Projection probably, I'm not the type to go out of my way to make someone feel bad about what they do.  Live and let live I suppose. And that's why she picked me right?  I feel bad for whoever she is probably seeing right now.  But... .better him than me.

[Calm Waters]

I sat by her bedside for 3 days whilst she was in a coma, her family felt it was my fault so asked me to leave, when she awoke she wanted me back but was psychotic for another 3 days, the staff in the hospital couldnt contain her, she kept trying to escape, she was halucinating and imagined she was in the jungle and the nurses were slavers! She was terrified so I talked her down and kept her calm. Of course this was all conveniently forgotten when she dumped me and added insult when she accused me of stalking her and sent the police round when i was just concerned that she may attempt again. My advice whatever you ex texts, dont read it delete and block and stay away from her

[jjclark]

I am absolutely going to follow this advice.  Thank you.

We work together the odd time, this is how we met.  I'm not really worried about my reaction when I see her, I am at peace with the relationship coming to an end.  However, I am concerned about how she may act out the next time we cross paths. 

I was always amazed and intrigued at how well she could play the system.  When I hear your story about how she managed to get the police involved, I can only shake my head.  Terrible things to do to a person.

[Calm Waters]

if you work with her even occasionally I would ere on the side of caution, do not be alone with her, always have witnesses, I almost lost my job over my debacle, good luck keep strong, she is not your problem now unless you let  her back in

[PrettyPlease]

if you work with her even occasionally I would ere on the side of caution, do not be alone with her, always have witnesses,

In "The Narcissistic Family", written by two mainstream psychoanalysts and meant primarily for other analysts, they give very similar advice: they say never to have a therapy appointment with a BPD if you're alone in the building. In other words, make sure someone else is in a nearby office -- and for the same reason: too many false charges of abuse and impropriety.

It's widely acknowledged that when BPDs are dysregulated their "feelings become facts", but perhaps it's also true that their feelings replace their moral system -- when they've flipped to angry at you, not only are you 'bad', but they can do anything they want to you without regard for anybody else's value system -- legal, religious, eithical, whatever; they all crumble.

I'm generalizing -- but I've also had personal experience of this with a pwBPD; and it was very scary. And maybe not surprising -- like having made a two year-old angry at you, and put them into a giant robot suit and if they can just figure out how to work these buttons they can crush you like a gnat... .   

PP