Raising a child with no family...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone,

I have had no contact with my family for 9 years now. My mother had BPD and my brothers cut me off when I cut her off. My father walked out when I was 4 and never looked back. I lost my only close family member last year (my great aunt passed away). Now I have a couple cousins who I rarely see (not in the same town). My husband has a wonderful family across the country (we tried moving there and came back to my home town after 1.5 years. His family is lovely but made very little effort to see us. We decided it was better to come home and take a better job). I have a 6 year old son.

Here's what I'm worried about: we are not able to have more kids and I'm SO scared my little boy will grow up and be alone. We're trying so hard to keep him connected with his family across the country but this means learning french (he goes to french school) and spending a lot of money to visit. I'm scared it's not enough to build a real bond with them - especially since they don't make much effort. They have a big family and my son just doesn't fit because he's the only one that doesn't live nearby.

In my hometown I have very few friends and no family at all. Will my son be okay when he grows up? Now that my aunt is gone we have no-one to spend holidays with. My mind keeps turning and turning thinking he will be disconnected with his french family and have no-one but my husband and I. I feel so sad that I can't give him more. Where will he find support later in his life? I know he can make friends but it isn't like having a family. I feel guilty for not being able to have sibling for him and I'm afraid for his future. I keep telling myself that a lot of people raise kids away from family but it doesn't help. I don't know what to do. He deserves better than what I can give him... .

This is so unfair! Mental illness has destroyed my family and now I have to find a way to cope for the rest of my life. I want my boy to have a lot of people in his life for support, growth and security. Now it feels like he's paying the price for my mother's mental illness even though he's never met her... .

Thanks for listening,

Lexicat

[lexicat]

Hello everyone,

I have had no contact with my family for 9 years now. My mother had BPD and my brothers cut me off when I cut her off. My father walked out when I was 4 and never looked back. I lost my only close family member last year (my great aunt passed away). Now I have a couple cousins who I rarely see (not in the same town). My husband has a wonderful family across the country (we tried moving there and came back to my home town after 1.5 years. His family is lovely but made very little effort to see us. We decided it was better to come home and take a better job). I have a 6 year old son.

Here's what I'm worried about: we are not able to have more kids and I'm SO scared my little boy will grow up and be alone. We're trying so hard to keep him connected with his family across the country but this means learning french (he goes to french school) and spending a lot of money to visit. I'm scared it's not enough to build a real bond with them - especially since they don't make much effort. They have a big family and my son just doesn't fit because he's the only one that doesn't live nearby.

In my hometown I have very few friends and no family at all. Will my son be okay when he grows up? Now that my aunt is gone we have no-one to spend holidays with. My mind keeps turning and turning thinking he will be disconnected with his french family and have no-one but my husband and I. I feel so sad that I can't give him more. Where will he find support later in his life? I know he can make friends but it isn't like having a family. I feel guilty for not being able to have sibling for him and I'm afraid for his future. I keep telling myself that a lot of people raise kids away from family but it doesn't help. I don't know what to do. He deserves better than what I can give him... .

This is so unfair! Mental illness has destroyed my family and now I have to find a way to cope for the rest of my life. I want my boy to have a lot of people in his life for support, growth and security. Now it feels like he's paying the price for my mother's mental illness even though he's never met her... .

Thanks for listening,

Lexicat

[Calm Waters]

 avery tough situation lexicat, in the uk we have schemes where childless elder;y couples can become surugate grandparents, i have heard that his can work well to break the isolation that you worry about. We alos designate close friends as guardians in the case of the death of parents, perhaps the idea of building an alternative family is a way forward?

[DreamGirl]

I agree with calm waters... .

Family is what you make of it. 

My husband lives far away from his family as well, their relationship is mostly birthday cards and the occasional funeral/wedding.

Do you have a close network of friends?

[Up In the Air]

Hey Lexicat!

It is hard being away from family, especially during the holidays. You sound like such a sweet, nurturing parent, I'm sure you're little guy will turn out fine!

In my experience, like DreamGirl said, family is what you make of it. My husband and I live far away from both families (VLC with husband's parents and sister). It's hard to be far away and still develop that close group of people around you. We've been working on making friends and that's hard as it takes time and we live in a small town.

Is there a way you can get involved in your community and create some strong friendships? People interested in the same things your family is? Play groups? Family groups? Church or religious orgs? Maybe people who have no family around either? Is there a neighbor you could invite over for dinner?

Would your in-laws be interested in Skyping or sending letters back and forth?

Just trying to think of something helpful.