Trouble Taking Compliments

[Turkish]

I have no doubt this is a recurring theme here... .My T today commended me for being "loyal" after I was describing my LT platonic friendships with a few people. He said that it was a good trait. He must have noticed the look on my face because he said, "you have trouble taking compliments, don't you?" This has come up before.

He is right. I just try to do the right thing and while outright disrespect bothers me, compliments as well as criticisms fall flat. Actually, people putting me down for something or complimenting me both fall flat. I think this is a defense mechanism I developed growing up with a mother who had BPD traits where she would paint me black and white and black and white... .etc. I learned to not believe her when she was telling me I was bad. Conversely, I ignored her when she said I was the best son ever, because at a young age I recognized the cognitive dissonance, even if it would be years before I understood the concept.

I was thinking about my X after the T session, and in her "painting me black" as a romantic partner phase (which is permanent now), she has said several things about me where I "failed" and implied that I "lacked character" (as opposed to her cheating and lying? Sure... .). I've never had a woman in my life tell me things like that... .except way back 25 years ago and my mom, although my mom and I mended those fences almost 20 years ago (not living close, it's easy). I've always been told, by single women, married women, older women, that I was "good with women" Or as one co-worker told me over a decade ago "you're good with girls. If I wasn't engaged, I'd be all over you!" Yipes. All I remember was that we were talking in the lab and working. I honestly don't remember the specific thing that I said.

I think now my journey is to release this new baggage, which opens old scars (I won't say old wounds, as that was a long time ago, and I feel like a different person), tie it into the old baggage and realize how I "got over it" back then. Additionally, to not let it further wound me if I make the choice to not remain a middle aged bachelor father, which at this point is where I am leaning... .I need to learn to trust myself.

Thanks for listening. Have a good weekend everybody.

Turkish

[maxen]

If I wasn't engaged, I'd be all over you!" Yipes.

i'd also wager it would be a common theme here, it certianly is true of me. i used to squirm inside my skin when i got compliments of any sort, or i'd dismiss them in my mind: "oh they're just saying that b/c they think it's a thing i'd like to hear, but they don't mean it." it's worse than compliments tho'. for decades i had trouble taking friendships. that part of the brain that receives friendship had calcified in me. and i realized too late that i wore out the heart of my first serious gf because i could not imagine that she was in love with me. who could be in love with me? i didn't reject it, it was just inconceivable. still i'll never forgive myself for doing that to her.

[Turkish]

If I wasn't engaged, I'd be all over you!" Yipes.

i'd also wager it would be a common theme here, it certianly is true of me. i used to squirm inside my skin when i got compliments of any sort, or i'd dismiss them in my mind: "oh they're just saying that b/c they think it's a thing i'd like to hear, but they don't mean it." it's worse than compliments tho'. for decades i had trouble taking friendships. that part of the brain that receives friendship had calcified in me. and i realized too late that i wore out the heart of my first serious gf because i could not imagine that she was in love with me. who could be in love with me? i didn't reject it, it was just inconceivable. still i'll never forgive myself for doing that to her.

You know... .while I am 100% sure my X has BPD (along with depression for sure and a borderline eating disorder, no pun intended), I really wonder if this feeling in me triggered her lack of self-worth? Like if I didn't feel I was worthy, then she wouldn't feel like she was needed by me. I learned to be on my own from such a young age, and to not rely on anybody (because people are unreliable, naturally :^), that maybe she felt that I didn't really NEED her? I still feel this way, like if I had to I could single parent, though it would be hard (I know it from the child side).

It's like the other night when she got off work late and called to ask if the kids were ok, because if they weren't, she could come home. I said, no, they were ok, and I was taking care of them. She then asked if she could go see her hairdresser (lie or not, no matter at this point) because she was still open, which was plausible. She got home about half an hour after I put the kids to bed. To not slam her too badly, I try to put them to bed earlier than she does, like at a normal time, not S3 and D1 after 9 o'clock, which I think is way too late for little kids, short of it being the weekend.

I shared this with my T and he said that that was interesting... .like she felt needed if there was a crisis, and he could see it upset me because to him and me, she should have just come home to spend time with the kids before they went to bed. That's how she co-dependently (though she denies this) relates to her family. She swoops in to address crises, or continues to give them $$ for "rent" even though she hasn't lived there in a decade, because of FOG.

Man, this may be a continuous mess, co-parenting... .Uh, I think I just hijacked my own thread ;^)

[goldylamont]

i used to think it was Nelson Mandela who said this but I believe it was an author (credit below). This quote has touched me and I live by it.



“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson (born 1952);

Author, Lecturer



the next time someone gives you a compliment, *accept it* as you being the beautiful person you are. and then find the beauty in someone else and make sure to share your feelings to them. no need to waste this positive energy--embrace it and pass it along 

[Turkish]

i used to think it was Nelson Mandela who said this but I believe it was an author (credit below). This quote has touched me and I live by it.



“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson (born 1952);

Author, Lecturer



the next time someone gives you a compliment, *accept it* as you being the beautiful person you are. and then find the beauty in someone else and make sure to share your feelings to them. no need to waste this positive energy--embrace it and pass it along 

Sorry, goldylamont... .that's something like my X posts on FB. She may have at one point (I've seen the quote). I don;t mean to offend, as you are a GREAT support when you respond to me.

Maybe I just did it again... .not taking a compliment! Sorry.

[goldylamont]

aaaah! i'm one of those positive thinking arseholes!  sorry Turkish. i can say for me that this quote has stuck with me and i do truly try to live by this standard. i know how it is though when fake people assimilate things that are actually genuine to others. i think you need empathy more than advice and here i am all advice-y   imagine my slow climb off the soap box with head hung low 

my ex actually introduced me to a lot of good authors and ways of thinking--all the while incapable of behaving with those standards. the fakeness is astounding, i say! so, forgive me for not connecting on this one, and thanks much for giving me support back by letting me know i may have helped you some. as i'm further along on the timeline of being out of the r/s i tend to give more 'advice' now to 'help others' but really what i'm doing is helping myself and also questioning and working through the remnants of my own thoughts. warms my heart to know it may be of help to someone else so thanks.

and Turkish--you're the S*&T!

^^ and i mean that. even though i know you don't like compliments i say what i mean and mean what i say (something my uncle taught me to do when i was young)

[Turkish]

aaaah! i'm one of those positive thinking arseholes!  sorry Turkish. i can say for me that this quote has stuck with me and i do truly try to live by this standard. i know how it is though when fake people assimilate things that are actually genuine to others. i think you need empathy more than advice and here i am all advice-y   imagine my slow climb off the soap box with head hung low 

my ex actually introduced me to a lot of good authors and ways of thinking--all the while incapable of behaving with those standards. the fakeness is astounding, i say! so, forgive me for not connecting on this one, and thanks much for giving me support back by letting me know i may have helped you some. as i'm further along on the timeline of being out of the r/s i tend to give more 'advice' now to 'help others' but really what i'm doing is helping myself and also questioning and working through the remnants of my own thoughts. warms my heart to know it may be of help to someone else so thanks.

and Turkish--you're the S*&T!

^^ and i mean that. even though i know you don't like compliments i say what i mean and mean what i say (something my uncle taught me to do when i was young)

Thanks, goldy, funnystuff,made me laugh!

[Changingman]

I have no doubt this is a recurring theme here... .My T today commended me for being "loyal" after I was describing my LT platonic friendships with a few people. He said that it was a good trait. He must have noticed the look on my face because he said, "you have trouble taking compliments, don't you?" This has come up before.

He is right. I just try to do the right thing and while outright disrespect bothers me, compliments as well as criticisms fall flat. Actually, people putting me down for something or complimenting me both fall flat. I think this is a defense mechanism I developed growing up with a mother who had BPD traits where she would paint me black and white and black and white... .etc. I learned to not believe her when she was telling me I was bad. Conversely, I ignored her when she said I was the best son ever, because at a young age I recognized the cognitive dissonance, even if it would be years before I understood the concept.

I was thinking about my X after the T session, and in her "painting me black" as a romantic partner phase (which is permanent now), she has said several things about me where I "failed" and implied that I "lacked character" (as opposed to her cheating and lying? Sure... .). I've never had a woman in my life tell me things like that... .except way back 25 years ago and my mom, although my mom and I mended those fences almost 20 years ago (not living close, it's easy). I've always been told, by single women, married women, older women, that I was "good with women" Or as one co-worker told me over a decade ago "you're good with girls. If I wasn't engaged, I'd be all over you!" Yipes. All I remember was that we were talking in the lab and working. I honestly don't remember the specific thing that I said.

I think now my journey is to release this new baggage, which opens old scars (I won't say old wounds, as that was a long time ago, and I feel like a different person), tie it into the old baggage and realize how I "got over it" back then. Additionally, to not let it further wound me if I make the choice to not remain a middle aged bachelor father, which at this point is where I am leaning... .I need to learn to trust myself.

Thanks for listening. Have a good weekend everybody.

Turkish

I hear all this loudly,

Uncomfortable, ignore compliments.

My uBPDxw used to say of me:

You're a bad loser

But an even worst winner

Insightful from her self absorbed nonsense.

I have been avoiding shining out too much my whole life, everyone in the family would abandon me. I wanted a whole, happy home life and thought if I sacrificed myself it would happen. Tried to bring love and happiness to hell.

Bless that small beautiful child, what a ambition, I love him for his goodness.

I'm looking after him now. We have children of our own.

I have kept contact with my mother and the kids to a minimum because she hurts them, not physically.

F*** these messed up people, no more, be gone... .forever

I have a world to create.

X

[Clearmind]

Ah yes! I couldn't agree more Turkish. It most definitely was a carry over from own childhood and a likely BPD parent.

I was not accustomed to compliments because as as child a compliment was closely followed by a put down. Nothing about me went unscathed - my intelligence, appearance, weight and behaviour was criticised. How can we trust what others say about us now we are adults? The answer mostly lies in the fact that we are now adults - adults with adult privileges - we can accept compliments and set boundaries when we need to - we can protect ourselves - we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable and know that we can protect us at the same time.

By trusting that we are not those things our BPD parents placed on us - self worth and self trust are paramount and it took a long time to believe what my father said about me 20 odd years ago simply is not true - it was his own projection of himself.

When someone compliments - sit with it - thank them sincerely - if they then turn around a week later and say something out of bounds trust that you can set a boundary - people are all things wrapped into one. They can compliment and they can be mean - we need to accept that people are good and bad and accept what they show us in any given time without the need to wear a suit of armour waiting for the onslaught that may never happen (like it did when we were kids).

Not easy.

[Turkish]

Ah yes! I couldn't agree more Turkish. It most definitely was a carry over from own childhood and a likely BPD parent.

I was not accustomed to compliments because as as child a compliment was closely followed by a put down. Nothing about me went unscathed - my intelligence, appearance, weight and behaviour was criticised. How can we trust what others say about us now we are adults? The answer mostly lies in the fact that we are now adults - adults with adult privileges - we can accept compliments and set boundaries when we need to - we can protect ourselves - we can allow ourselves to be vulnerable and know that we can protect us at the same time.

I see my mom about every 2-3 months and talk to her on the phone about every 1-2 weeks. We get a long well. After 22 years in my career clawing my way from the bottom to the solid middle and still going, making a good salary, and being financially sound (all things my mom never did due to her depression and repressed childhood), she STILL thinks I should quit my job, go back to school and do something else. It's a subtile devaluation. She said something like that the last time she visited us about 7 months ago (my X kind of drove her away... .that is something I need to repair so my mom can see her grandchildren more). I pulled up my budget spreadsheet, showed her my retirement account balance, which is far above average for my age, and her jaw dropped. It was my way of saying, "thanks mom, but I'm doing just fine." I expect her comments now and then about me regarding that. I am, however, mature and secure in my self-esteem now to just let them roll by without engaging. They still hurt a little bit though.

Though I appreciate the positive moral values she instilled into me as a child, I did most everything "wrong" and didn't follow her advice about much of anything. Maybe she sees it as a loss of control on some level, I don't know.

[maxen]

oh yes, the subtle devaluation. i sometimes call to check on the mother in the middle of the workday. "where are you calling from?" "ma, it's noon on a wednesday, where do you think i'm calling from?" "well i don't know!" i used to take the bait, now i just hang up. i've been rejecting all monetary gifts from her for some time, but the fact that she still tries to make them is telling. not very complimentary.

[Turkish]

oh yes, the subtle devaluation. i sometimes call to check on the mother in the middle of the workday. "where are you calling from?" "ma, it's noon on a wednesday, where do you think i'm calling from?" "well i don't know!" i used to take the bait, now i just hang up. i've been rejecting all monetary gifts from her for some time, but the fact that she still tries to make them is telling. not very complimentary.

Wow.

I wish mine would gift me... .its the other way around. She may lose her property this year due to back taxes. Given my situation, I won't be able to help this time. She chose it by ignoring it for so long. Allfor about $96/mo which if she had told me 8 years ago, I would have just paid it. She doesn't FOG me, but she waits until things totally go to hell before telling me things, resulting in more stress. I enjiy talking to her but when the conversation veers towards her chickens, the Apocalypse, or some poor waif proxy daughter she is trying to rescue, I sign off.

Sorry to hear about your sinus issues, hope it gets better. That must beterrible to deal with during the holidays.

[Turkish]

oh yes, the subtle devaluation. i sometimes call to check on the mother in the middle of the workday. "where are you calling from?" "ma, it's noon on a wednesday, where do you think i'm calling from?" "well i don't know!" i used to take the bait, now i just hang up. i've been rejecting all monetary gifts from her for some time, but the fact that she still tries to make them is telling. not very complimentary.

Wow.

I wish mine would gift me... .its the other way around. She may lose her property this year due to back taxes. Given my situation, I won't be able to help this time. She chose it by ignoring it for so long. Allfor about $96/mo which if she had told me 8 years ago, I would have just paid it. She doesn't FOG me, but she waits until things totally go to hell before telling me things, resulting in more stress. I enjiy talking to her but when the conversation veers towards her chickens, the Apocalypse, or some poor waif proxy daughter she is trying to rescue, I sign off.

Sorry to hear about your sinus issues, hope it gets better. That must beterrible to deal with during the holidays.

The interesting thing about my mom looking for waif daughters to rescue... .I think that's why she didn't get on well with my x from the beginning, because my x has a strong r/s with her mother. My mom came into it thinking she could be a stand in. That, and my x was BPD rude to her. Two depressives withount an ounce of mercyfor each other between them. Just my luck... .God, I need a healthy woman in my life!