Heartbroke for Christmas

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been on here before and I was surprised and wrong when it came to the end of this.  He never once physically hurt me, which i feared, so I don't want people going to my old post and drudging that up.

So in August I told my then BPD fiancee I couldn't afford for us to live where we were living and here is why. I had just completed a master's degree 8 months earlier, but I have been unable to get a job and it's really been stressing me out. He couldn't work because of outstanding legal issues 1500 miles away, but we couldn't afford to deal with them.

He automatically thought that meant we were breaking up and it became a huge fight. He has BPD and Schizophrenia btw and we had been together 4 years. It got really ugly and then I told him my parents wanted me to move in with them, but he couldn't come. His friend back in his home state was willing to help us and let him live there while taking care of his legal issues, but that pissed him off.

So we lived together for two months while I packed out things. Sometimes it was like nothing happened, other times is was hell. He started going out and sitting in my car late at night for hours on end talking on the phone. He also was telling me how he would never been able to date again. The night before he left I looked at his text messages (breaking privacy to him is worse than cheating) and I saw he had been texting the roommate of his ex (both in his home state) and that they were a "couple" and how she couldn't wait to have sex with him. He hadn't even met the b!tch. I was livid and angry so after I took him to the airport (I had also given him money) I downloaded an anonymous texting app and sent them both a message saying: "This is the warning I wish I had gotten he is a liar and manipulator in the past he has used girls he was sleeping with for a place to live (this was true in his early twenties). He can also get abusive when angry, he was still sharing a bed with his ex-fiance up until tonight" They responded with that they were just going to not talk to him because he had been trying to live with them.

He has issues and is not perfect, but obviously I am little nuts for doing what I did and maybe we don't have a healthy relationship.

We fast forward to Nov 21. He had been texting me off and on with one phone call saying he forgave me for breaking up with him. But on Nov 21 he calls me. The next day was his hearing. His friend and I split the $3000 for a lawyer for him. He told me he was sorry for how he behaved in the weeks leading up to his leaving and he missed me and was very grateful for all that I had done for him in the past four years including getting him diagnosed and treatment as well as all my support. He then said his lawyer would call with the results.

His lawyer called me the next day and one of the cases was dismissed, two were combined and for those they gave him 4 weeks.

While he was in jail I wrote him, sent him books, and put money so he could call me. He got no mental health treatment at all and they detoxed him off his meds when he got there.

He wrote me several letters wondering if I still cared, because he did and wanted to try again (something I was mirroring in my letters). He was insanely sweet and then he wrote he got the books and he hoped they were from me, which when he discovered they were it gave him such joy.

He had me calling his parents for him who he told them how happy he was I wanted to work things out and for them to tell me that.

But then the last week he got weird. See his friend that was helping him was a girl. She had flown down to visit us 4 or 5 times in the past year. She has depression issues because her husband (they were together 10 years) had died in 2011, on my guys birthday. I never really thought she was interested in my guy and never really acted it, but it seems weird to me that "just a friend" would spend thousands of dollars on a guy she hadn't seen in 5 years only to see 5 times in a year. I don't know it still strikes me as odd, plus anything I ever told her she went straight to him and told him.

So I asked him why he was back tracking on wanting to work things out and he said that his friend suggested he not make any decisions while in jail. I was upset, but tried not to show it because he was in jail and suffering enough. So when we were done talking I messaged her and she said she wasn't trying to keep us apart or anything. Of course she told him all of this so when he called me the night before his release he was upset. Then he gets out and his mother and lawyer both call to tell me he is out. It takes him 6 hours to contact me and it's not even a phone call, but a text message.

He also says he knew before he went in about me contacting his ex, at this point I denied it and we moved on with the conversation, even though he said he knew it was me. We talked about me flying up in January an how much he loved me and missed me. And how he was stressed about everything and that he would call me the next night.

Well I couldn't take it. In four years together I had only lied to him once and that wasn't even a full lie just a partial lie (another story). So I confessed. I told him that I wanted to tell him in person or at least on the phone and not through text, but that wasn't an option. I told him I lied when he asked out of pure preservation and panic, but for us to work I would have to be completely honest. I sent him four long texts at 4am. I didn't hear from him until 10pm that night. He was cold to me. At one point he just hung up and we resumed the conversation via texting.

Yes I had lied and I had read his texts and sent a text to his ex. All of these for sins against him, sins I admitted. He, on the other hand had been lying to me about wanting only me and how I had destroyed him from dating while he already had another girl lined up dying to have sex with him. He refused to admit that and said I misunderstood what I read.

In his eyes I am all wrong and he is the victim. I asked him if he knew I had done this before he went to jail then why all the bs about wanting to get back together? I asked if he was just using me for someone to contact him, care about him, and write to him so he wouldn't be forgotten? He said no he wanted us to work, but since I lied when he asked it wouldn't. I confessed within 6 hours of lying and I lied because he wouldn't talk to me on the phone so I panicked. Just like I panicked when I caught him lying to me back then and so I messaged her. His response: "The day after we broke up I could have ___ed someone that day and it would have been okay" I personally disagree, especially since we were still sharing a bed.

So now I have appologized a thousand different ways and he is saying: "go find you some rich sperm donor to make you happy I am done" and how he can do whatever he wants because he is single and I can't get mad.

I told him that if he closes this door, my heart can't handle him reopening it a month or so later, so he better be sure. He said he didn't know. I am dying right now. My parents do not know that we were talking about getting back together so they think I am just sick, but if I can't get over this or something changes they will know.

If he sleeps with anyone there is NO chance we can get back together. He says he only wants me but I think he might be playing me. I just don't know.

We were together for four years and there were problems, but we were really good together.

[aggie04girl]

I have been on here before and I was surprised and wrong when it came to the end of this.  He never once physically hurt me, which i feared, so I don't want people going to my old post and drudging that up.

So in August I told my then BPD fiancee I couldn't afford for us to live where we were living and here is why. I had just completed a master's degree 8 months earlier, but I have been unable to get a job and it's really been stressing me out. He couldn't work because of outstanding legal issues 1500 miles away, but we couldn't afford to deal with them.

He automatically thought that meant we were breaking up and it became a huge fight. He has BPD and Schizophrenia btw and we had been together 4 years. It got really ugly and then I told him my parents wanted me to move in with them, but he couldn't come. His friend back in his home state was willing to help us and let him live there while taking care of his legal issues, but that pissed him off.

So we lived together for two months while I packed out things. Sometimes it was like nothing happened, other times is was hell. He started going out and sitting in my car late at night for hours on end talking on the phone. He also was telling me how he would never been able to date again. The night before he left I looked at his text messages (breaking privacy to him is worse than cheating) and I saw he had been texting the roommate of his ex (both in his home state) and that they were a "couple" and how she couldn't wait to have sex with him. He hadn't even met the b!tch. I was livid and angry so after I took him to the airport (I had also given him money) I downloaded an anonymous texting app and sent them both a message saying: "This is the warning I wish I had gotten he is a liar and manipulator in the past he has used girls he was sleeping with for a place to live (this was true in his early twenties). He can also get abusive when angry, he was still sharing a bed with his ex-fiance up until tonight" They responded with that they were just going to not talk to him because he had been trying to live with them.

He has issues and is not perfect, but obviously I am little nuts for doing what I did and maybe we don't have a healthy relationship.

We fast forward to Nov 21. He had been texting me off and on with one phone call saying he forgave me for breaking up with him. But on Nov 21 he calls me. The next day was his hearing. His friend and I split the $3000 for a lawyer for him. He told me he was sorry for how he behaved in the weeks leading up to his leaving and he missed me and was very grateful for all that I had done for him in the past four years including getting him diagnosed and treatment as well as all my support. He then said his lawyer would call with the results.

His lawyer called me the next day and one of the cases was dismissed, two were combined and for those they gave him 4 weeks.

While he was in jail I wrote him, sent him books, and put money so he could call me. He got no mental health treatment at all and they detoxed him off his meds when he got there.

He wrote me several letters wondering if I still cared, because he did and wanted to try again (something I was mirroring in my letters). He was insanely sweet and then he wrote he got the books and he hoped they were from me, which when he discovered they were it gave him such joy.

He had me calling his parents for him who he told them how happy he was I wanted to work things out and for them to tell me that.

But then the last week he got weird. See his friend that was helping him was a girl. She had flown down to visit us 4 or 5 times in the past year. She has depression issues because her husband (they were together 10 years) had died in 2011, on my guys birthday. I never really thought she was interested in my guy and never really acted it, but it seems weird to me that "just a friend" would spend thousands of dollars on a guy she hadn't seen in 5 years only to see 5 times in a year. I don't know it still strikes me as odd, plus anything I ever told her she went straight to him and told him.

So I asked him why he was back tracking on wanting to work things out and he said that his friend suggested he not make any decisions while in jail. I was upset, but tried not to show it because he was in jail and suffering enough. So when we were done talking I messaged her and she said she wasn't trying to keep us apart or anything. Of course she told him all of this so when he called me the night before his release he was upset. Then he gets out and his mother and lawyer both call to tell me he is out. It takes him 6 hours to contact me and it's not even a phone call, but a text message.

He also says he knew before he went in about me contacting his ex, at this point I denied it and we moved on with the conversation, even though he said he knew it was me. We talked about me flying up in January an how much he loved me and missed me. And how he was stressed about everything and that he would call me the next night.

Well I couldn't take it. In four years together I had only lied to him once and that wasn't even a full lie just a partial lie (another story). So I confessed. I told him that I wanted to tell him in person or at least on the phone and not through text, but that wasn't an option. I told him I lied when he asked out of pure preservation and panic, but for us to work I would have to be completely honest. I sent him four long texts at 4am. I didn't hear from him until 10pm that night. He was cold to me. At one point he just hung up and we resumed the conversation via texting.

Yes I had lied and I had read his texts and sent a text to his ex. All of these for sins against him, sins I admitted. He, on the other hand had been lying to me about wanting only me and how I had destroyed him from dating while he already had another girl lined up dying to have sex with him. He refused to admit that and said I misunderstood what I read.

In his eyes I am all wrong and he is the victim. I asked him if he knew I had done this before he went to jail then why all the bs about wanting to get back together? I asked if he was just using me for someone to contact him, care about him, and write to him so he wouldn't be forgotten? He said no he wanted us to work, but since I lied when he asked it wouldn't. I confessed within 6 hours of lying and I lied because he wouldn't talk to me on the phone so I panicked. Just like I panicked when I caught him lying to me back then and so I messaged her. His response: "The day after we broke up I could have ___ed someone that day and it would have been okay" I personally disagree, especially since we were still sharing a bed.

So now I have appologized a thousand different ways and he is saying: "go find you some rich sperm donor to make you happy I am done" and how he can do whatever he wants because he is single and I can't get mad.

I told him that if he closes this door, my heart can't handle him reopening it a month or so later, so he better be sure. He said he didn't know. I am dying right now. My parents do not know that we were talking about getting back together so they think I am just sick, but if I can't get over this or something changes they will know.

If he sleeps with anyone there is NO chance we can get back together. He says he only wants me but I think he might be playing me. I just don't know.

We were together for four years and there were problems, but we were really good together.

[Surnia]

Hi aggie

What a tough story! 

I feel for you, being heartbroken after all of this. And in the same time I have similar thoughts like marinro7.

BPD and schizophrenia, legal issues - this is a tough cocktail and he will not get better. He is what he is, this will not change. And you cannot change him.

If it wouldn't be your confession it would be something else as a reason for him to withdraw. Please don't beat yourself about the lie.

[aggie04girl]

Hi aggie

What a tough story! 

I feel for you, being heartbroken after all of this. And in the same time I have similar thoughts like marinro7.

BPD and schizophrenia, legal issues - this is a tough cocktail and he will not get better. He is what he is, this will not change. And you cannot change him.

If it wouldn't be your confession it would be something else as a reason for him to withdraw. Please don't beat yourself about the lie.

We were together for four years.  I think it was when he realized I looked in his home that really did it.  He thought I got the number from looking over his shoulder or something.

His legal issues are gone now.

I have learned to handle and work with the BPD and Schizophrenia episodes and symptoms.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi aggie, after reading your story, my heart goes out to you. 

I know that loving a person with BPD is very challenging and then when you add in other comorbid illnesses like schizophrenia, that can make it extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship.

To get things straight, the main issues is that it sounds like you want him back but he tells you "no" one day and changed it to "maybe" or "I'm unsure" the next day. Is this assessment correct? Are you also unsure yourself about what you want?

As Surnia mentioned, you will also have to make your own decisions based on the likelihood that he will not "get better".

Hang in there, it's challenging to love a person who is mentally ill. Unfortunately love alone isn't always enough to make a relationship work or last forever. I know that I'm struggling with that notion myself. 

[aggie04girl]

You have learned?

Well were where you all this time? Care to give us your comments? Maybe we could use some of your knowledge!

Come on, you are dealing with adults here who 've seen there share of all this!

You might be in denial and its coping mec's for you, but my dear don't insult our intelligence here, you post for help, feedback ,but can cope with this?

Makes me wonder who the pdp is!

I meant I have learned, as in techniques, for communicating and validating.  I have really worked on this.  No it's not perfect but it is why he and I got along for so well.  I was LEARNED to recognize the signs of a schizophrenic episode and how to best approach him.  Yes these are things you learn.  If you don't think you can learn these things then I am feel sorry for you.

[aggie04girl]

Hi aggie, after reading your story, my heart goes out to you. 

I know that loving a person with BPD is very challenging and then when you add in other comorbid illnesses like schizophrenia, that can make it extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship.

To get things straight, the main issues is that it sounds like you want him back but he tells you "no" one day and changed it to "maybe" or "I'm unsure" the next day. Is this assessment correct? Are you also unsure yourself about what you want?

As Surnia mentioned, you will also have to make your own decisions based on the likelihood that he will not "get better".

Hang in there, it's challenging to love a person who is mentally ill. Unfortunately love alone isn't always enough to make a relationship work or last forever. I know that I'm struggling with that notion myself. 

It was more like: I want him back and he said "I don't know, then he said I can't live without you, please take me back, and then I am unsure about my future, and then finally no I can't trust you."

It turns out, thanks to information from a mutual friend who wants us back together because he knows what a stablizing effect I have on my ex and how happy I make him, that my ex is only upset about the phone thing.  Not so much that I texted his ex, but that I saw his text messages on his phone.  He is paranoid about people looking at his phone.  I think he is more paranoid that he got caught.  He thought at first I must have gotten her number by looking over his shoulder and memorizing it, but when I confessed that I looked at his texts when he left it unlocked the night before he left while he was in the shower he was livid.  I think he knew he couldn't play off what he had done as my misunderstanding because it was right there in black and white, him saying he wanted her to be his gf and how he couldn't wait to have sex with her.  Because he was trying to say to me it was all her hitting on him and he did nothing wrong.

I think that is the real issue so instead of owning up to doing something wrong he is angry I violated his privacy.  Which legally I didn't, because I own the phone and I pay the phone bill, but I don't bring that up to him.

He has real issues with privacy and being open, always has.

[Aussie0zborn]

Wow you are in a lot of pain and in even more denial. You have a masters degree and he has a criminal record with jail time. You bought his mobile phone and you pay his bill but he gets offended you looked at his phone while he was in the shower. What a well matched couple you two make.

Well let me tell you... .Looking at the phone while they're in the shower is the best time to do it. Well done. But, as you said it is HIS PHONE so you did in fact invade his privacy by snooping. If it wasn't this it would be something's else that he would be angry about so don't go blaming yourself.

You should maybe think about what's wrong with you that you would want to be with this person. Do your parents know all about this? What do they think of it? Why should you be his carer?

Surely if you can pay his legal bills and for his phone you can afford to spend some money on a therapist for yourself.  Please consider seeking professional help ASAP as the questions you are asking here are not what I consider to be those of a healthy young lady with a masters degree. Save yourself first, save the world later. In the meantime, run and run as fast as you can.

[Skip]

We were together for four years and there were problems, but we were really good together.

Have you thought about posting on the staying board and learning the tools as well as looking at your own contributions to the conflict and how to work your side of the street?

It might help to let go of the conflict for now, let him know your feelings in very simple terms (I'd like to see you),  and give him a little space.

None of us want to tell you to stay or go - this is "Undecided" and here we talk about pros and cons to help YOU decide what is right for you.

[aggie04girl]

We were together for four years and there were problems, but we were really good together.

Have you thought about posting on the staying board and learning the tools as well as looking at your own contributions to the conflict and how to work your side of the street?

It might help to let go of the conflict for now, let him know your feelings in very simple terms (I'd like to see you),  and give him a little space.

None of us want to tell you to stay or go - this is "Undecided" and here we talk about pros and cons to help YOU decide what is right for you.

It's hard to be in the "staying" category if he doesn't want me.  Is there a "trying to fix it" category?

[aggie04girl]

Wow you are in a lot of pain and in even more denial. You have a masters degree and he has a criminal record with jail time. You bought his mobile phone and you pay his bill but he gets offended you looked at his phone while he was in the shower. What a well matched couple you two make.

Well let me tell you... .Looking at the phone while they're in the shower is the best time to do it. Well done. But, as you said it is HIS PHONE so you did in fact invade his privacy by snooping. If it wasn't this it would be something's else that he would be angry about so don't go blaming yourself.

You should maybe think about what's wrong with you that you would want to be with this person. Do your parents know all about this? What do they think of it? Why should you be his carer?

Surely if you can pay his legal bills and for his phone you can afford to spend some money on a therapist for yourself.  Please consider seeking professional help ASAP as the questions you are asking here are not what I consider to be those of a healthy young lady with a masters degree. Save yourself first, save the world later. In the meantime, run and run as fast as you can.

He didn't even want a phone it was a Christmas gift, from me, last year.  He didn't have a phone the first three years we were together.  It's a little prepaid thing, nothing fancy.

And I am not an elitist about my education.  He was a Marine before we met.  I don't think my having a higher education makes me too good for someone just because they have a stupid charge on their record.  He skipped on probation he had for stupid prank he pulled at 19, it's not like his was a serial killer.

[aggie04girl]

Let me clear up a few things.

His legal issue was he skipped out on probation and got stranded a thousand miles from home. He was on probation for a stupid prank he pulled at 19.

He couldn't work because of the warrants for the probation violation.

He also couldn't work because at 18 he went straight into the Marines and got his right arm smashed to wear he was medically discharged and it never healed right, but it was functional. He was very depressed by getting medically discharged that he feel in with a bad crowd, hence the legal issue.

He was also diagnosed with Schizophrenia and BPD while we were together, something his biological mother had. Oh yeah he grew up in foster care so has major trust issues and such.

He did do some odd jobs on occasion to help pay bills. And when we first lived together he sold all the electronics and dvds and stuff he came with to help out.

He was a major push for me to get my first masters because he saw how much I hated my job.

I was also diagnosed with MS, on his birthday our first year together, and he was there holding my hand for the news, no one else could be bothered. He went with me to every medical test and procedure. He also helped me when I had issues with balance, legal spasms, and opening things.

When someone is hurt they often list only the negative, but he did a lot of good for me and our relationship. He also helped my parents and friends move on multiple occasions.

[Skip]

It's hard to be in the "staying" category if he doesn't want me.  Is there a "trying to fix it" category?

Staying is a place to learn relationship tools and how to manage our side of the relationship - working on yourself in this way and giving him some space is your best hope to get this to a better place.

Ultimately, you have to decide if you want to do the work and if you have the patience and strength to create the best environment to give your relationship the possibility of another run.

As you say, when you were hurt you dwelled on the negative.

You can change that.

[Learning_curve74]

We were together for four years and there were problems, but we were really good together.

Have you thought about posting on the staying board and learning the tools as well as looking at your own contributions to the conflict and how to work your side of the street?

It might help to let go of the conflict for now, let him know your feelings in very simple terms (I'd like to see you),  and give him a little space.

None of us want to tell you to stay or go - this is "Undecided" and here we talk about pros and cons to help YOU decide what is right for you.

It's hard to be in the "staying" category if he doesn't want me.  Is there a "trying to fix it" category?

You're assuming that he doesn't want you, it could be that he is undecided himself or even vacillating between staying with you or not. If you want to try and work it out, then the tools and knowledge on the Staying board will be very important. You can start by checking out the Lessons thread. There is a LOT of information there, but I would recommend scrolling through and reading what seems most important at this time. A couple that you might check out are: Tools: The Do's and Don'ts for a BPD relationship and TOOLS: Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN).

Unlike some other members, I do feel that you can take care of yourself as well as try to take care of the relationship. My impression is that the members on the Staying board who are successful in maintaining their BPD relationship are doing the things that make it possible.

My own personal bias is that individual therapy or counseling for yourself can be useful if the therapist/counselor understands BPD and schizophrenia and is not biased towards trying to get you to leave the relationship.

Oops, I see Skip beat me to the posting punch. But I definitely agree: take care of yourself and then make sure you set the best conditions for letting the relationship have the best chance. Always take care of yourself, aggie04girl.