Collateral Damage

[ThelmaKiddo]

I initially posted this on introductions - realized I needed to move here.

Thank you to the community for being there. <3

We have been together for 9 months, are in our 50's.

My partner is very intelligent and charming, and has a particular charisma for a large social groups.

We met playing Words with Friends (which seemed uncanny), having connected through mutual friends on a social network.

We were drawn together quickly, and seem to have a rich affinity, as far as how we move, and move in the world together, as if we fluidly connect on a simple level.

Surprising reactions and confrontations became to happen, and I would feel traumatized when a tsunami like wave of anger would be directed at me, as if he was some raging archetypal sea god directing his wrath at me.

I have living on an emotional roller coaster for months.

He has been studying overseas, and seeing each other through FaceTime seemed to strengthen communication (and some processing of unresolved issues did occur). I visited recently and we had a smooth time except for when he perceived my jet lag fatigue as being anger. And became angry when I stayed up to write an email in mid sleep cycle adjustment, first night.

I did not have the "big picture" as these and other many other preceding events occurred.

On Monday, a professional I know suggested borderline personality disorder.

As I began to read, all of the experiences went into context and I experienced shocked

realization and recognition.

He and I had a major conflict after I returned home because I confronted him about some of his choices and behaviors I observed on the internet.

I have internalized my pain and objections throughout much of this relationship.

At times, I have asserted myself in an angry and intolerant way, sometimes with an appropriateness, sometimes, mirroring his own angry disregulation.

Recently, we had been been connecting again more warmly,

then, he unexpectedly disappeared from contact while traveling yesterday.

I didn't have a good feeling about this as it was somewhat uncharacteristic and tried to contact him.

He had opportunities to reply to let me know all was well and did not,

finally responded with a brief note today saying all was well, "he would call me tomorrow."

Though I have felt deeply connected to him in some ways,

I want to remove myself from the continual heartbreaking drama.,

from trying to translate my sincerities to him... .

I am trying to learn skills.

I have been reading the Walking on a Eggshells Family Guide, and recognize much self-regulating "non-BPD" work I need to do.

He is returning to the US in a week.

I am concerned regarding my capacity to practice my own self-care by setting appropriate boundaries ... .

There will be a *seeking out* and invitations to what will ultimately be painful and damaging scenarios, FOG - inducing... .

I really appreciate being able to express this, to this community, at this time.

I know that even if what is left of this relationship is moving into annihilation, I have an opportunity to recover personally, and I am trying to resonate with that.

[heartandwhole]

Hi ThelmaKiddo,

I'm sorry that you are going through this drama, it is very hard, and I think it's great that you want to learn skills to make things better. 

Is your partner aware of his issues at all?  Has he had therapy for BPD? 

You mentioned he was going back to the States in a week.  Are you hoping to continue the relationship long-distance?

My questions are aimed at leading you to the resources that will best support you.     Please keep writing, it helps a lot.  We are all here to support you. 

heartandwhole 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Thelma, What would you like to see happen from this point on in your relationship?  The reason I ask is that we are a jaded bunch here on the Leaving Board, and maybe your mindset is more in Staying or Undecided?  Of course you should feel free to post wherever you feel most comfortable, but it seems like you are in an early phase, in  the sense that you have only just discovered that there is such a thing as BPD, which is largely under the radar for most folks.  If you are looking to leave, we will definitely be able to provide support.  Lucky Jim

[ThelmaKiddo]

Dear Heart and Whole

and

Lucky Jim,

Thank you.

Heart and Whole: my partner is not aware (or previously dx'd), from my knowledge.

He has a large social arena that supports his "invisibility".

He is returning to the States where I am, next week.

I have been trying to fathom much turbulence and think clearly for myself, particularly since his return will involve assumptions and expectations on his part.

(We do not live together, a boundaries advantage.)

Lucky Jim,

Thank you- I respect your "jadedness", as I can imagine it comes from having an open and loving heart that has been bruised in scenarios of this kind.

Although I have just put my partner's behaviors in the context of BPD over this last, personally momentous week, I am reaching the point of recognition where I realize I cannot afford the impact of the dramas, blame and dysregulation.

It is a challenging climb to that point of perspective, isn't it?

Whether my partner would do recovery work is out of my hands, I recognize.

I have heard indicators, at times - I just don't and can't know, I recognize.

So, I am trying to focus on my own life process and strengthening,

detach and prepare to "hold on to my hat", because a backlash (understatement) is more than likely.

I just can't and won't go on in that "dance" anymore.

Thank you again, allies

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Thelma, Sounds like you are in the right place.  Many with BPD have never been formally diagnosed because, in general, they are reluctant to undergo therapy and can't accept that they might have a personality disorder.

That you have reached a point where you are unwilling to go on with the drama and blame game is a positive development, in my view.  Glad to hear you are not doing the dance anymore.

You are right to brace yourself for some sort of backlash, which is fairly typical.

It's a rough ride but you seem on the right path, so hang in there and stick to your guns.

Lucky Jim

[ThelmaKiddo]

Thank you, Lucky Jim

Wishing Power to you and everyone for healthy paths and honoring your purposes.

Best,

TK