Getting my old job back and working with those who have BPD

[FreedomReigns]

I used to post in another forum (inlaws), but things have changed. My MIL passed away in 2012 and since then, things have been a lot better, for the most part (I still deal with the xSIL, but it is manageable). Now I have a new and different problem. I was recently hired at a local university. I will work for the Disability Resource Center, as well as Veterans Services. I have worked for the disability office before, but that was ten years ago. I start this new job on Monday. I did meet with my new boss and a co-worker for lunch last week, and one of the things they said was that there is a student who has been diagnosed with either NPD and/or BPD. She is also between 60-70 years old and always "threatens" to complain about one thing or another and has, in fact, gone above my boss's head to get what she wants. I so don't want to work with this lady. But I have no choice. Any words of advice? I was told to try not to engage in long conversations with her or I will never get any work done because she talks/complains incessantly. My xMIL did that, too, but this is different because I have to remain professional and not "stir the pot" so to speak. Any words of advice for me? Thanks.

Susan

P.S. You'd think that after all these years, I'd be a pro at handling such personalities. But no. It is a never-ending learning curve, isn't it?

[Alastor]

Hello,

Well, I guess the positive thing is that you have some idea of what this woman is capable of, at least compared to any layman from off the street. As we all know, there is no way of really dealing with a pwBPD, only awareness of what is going on and some useful techniques presented here to mitigate the situation. Are you perhaps fearing the worse with this woman?

It seems that, at the very least, your colleagues are aware of the diagnosis, so that could be a big plus; forewarned is forearmed. In fact, given your knowledge and experience on the subject, I bet you could provide them all with some insight. However, seeing as they know about her BPD, I find it odd that your boss's boss has also not been prepared for this?

[Botswana Agate]

What happens when she makes her "threats"?  Did they go into further detail?  How about prepping yourself with non-answers when she gets that way?  Like, she threatens to go to the upper-boss, you say, "oh, do you have his number?" and refuse to engage.  Stuff like that? (bear with me, I'm still learning!)

[Deb]

There are some techniques in the tools section. But I have found that being polite and firm, but not giving too much personal stuff helps.  If you get too friendly, you just give them ammo to twist up and use on you. Also, remember not to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Engage. When I have justified, argued or defended, the BPs in my life think they are right in what they accuse me of. It's really hard not to do that when you are being accused and attacked.

[FreedomReigns]

There are some techniques in the tools section. But I have found that being polite and firm, but not giving too much personal stuff helps.  If you get too friendly, you just give them ammo to twist up and use on you. Also, remember not to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Engage. When I have justified, argued or defended, the BPs in my life think they are right in what they accuse me of. It's really hard not to do that when you are being accused and attacked.

Thank you. Yes, I do need to research some of the techniques in the tools section. I am out of practice.

[FreedomReigns]

Hello,

Well, I guess the positive thing is that you have some idea of what this woman is capable of, at least compared to any layman from off the street. As we all know, there is no way of really dealing with a pwBPD, only awareness of what is going on and some useful techniques presented here to mitigate the situation. Are you perhaps fearing the worse with this woman?

It seems that, at the very least, your colleagues are aware of the diagnosis, so that could be a big plus; forewarned is forearmed. In fact, given your knowledge and experience on the subject, I bet you could provide them all with some insight. However, seeing as they know about her BPD, I find it odd that your boss's boss has also not been prepared for this?

He has been as prepared as he can be, I suppose. When she complained, she had emailed him. He then forwarded that email to the disability office and they either confirmed or denied what the woman was accusing them of. I just have to prepare myself now.

I don't know if I am feeling the worse with this woman or not. Having gone through emotional abuse with my xMIL, perhaps I am.

[FreedomReigns]

What happens when she makes her "threats"?  Did they go into further detail?  How about prepping yourself with non-answers when she gets that way?  Like, she threatens to go to the upper-boss, you say, "oh, do you have his number?" and refuse to engage.  Stuff like that? (bear with me, I'm still learning!)

They did not go into further detail; however, I am sure many details will come out when I begin working for them on Monday. I do know that he is a fairly new dean so he's still learning, too.

[FreedomReigns]

There are some techniques in the tools section. But I have found that being polite and firm, but not giving too much personal stuff helps.  If you get too friendly, you just give them ammo to twist up and use on you. Also, remember not to JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, Engage. When I have justified, argued or defended, the BPs in my life think they are right in what they accuse me of. It's really hard not to do that when you are being accused and attacked.

Thanks. I will research JADE. That is a new term for me, but I understand that perfectly. Boy, do I understand that! I still find myself "justifying" things with the xSIL, but she doesn't twist it around like her mother did.